200 mg/dL.

Often, when I see a number like that, I think, “Oh, it’s okay.  It doesn’t define me.  It’s not an assessment of my self-worth.  I’m still a decent person despite an out-of-range blood sugar.”

And that’s true.  I’ve written about how true that is a pile of times*.  These numbers aren’t ME.

… but they’re still mine.

The problem with those statements, for me, is that they can lull me into a false sense of security.  They make me complacent.  “Meh.  200 mg/dL isn’t a big deal.”

The emotional load that diabetes brings to the table, daily, is tremendous.  I’m a little envious of people who seem (are?) able to remove the emotions from their data points and who can forgive themselves for extreme blood sugar excursions**.   I’m also a little envious of people who are able to look at their own data and go, “Nope.  No more excuses,” without a shred of self-loathing.  I carry some real guilt when it comes to blood sugar management because in a lot of circumstances, my actions influence my numbers.  Am I high right now?  Yes, because I had some breakfast and forgot to prebolus for it.  While my pancreases refusal to make insulin isn’t in my control, the day-to-day of my blood sugars are in my control.  I need to remember that, and act on that fact.

There are several dozen factors in play that influence blood sugars – the team at diaTribe put together this awesome analysis – and I can point fingers accurately at hormones, stress, and other “not me!” moments, but I need to give myself some tough love when it comes to blood sugars.  Part of what I am trying to work on lately is to be forgiving to a point.  Like I’ve forgiven myself for not prebolusing for breakfast, and also for being high.  But I don’t look at the number and shrug.  I’m trying to replace diabetes apathy with agency, holding myself accountable without buckling under the pressure.

I can do that.  It’s not cryabetes, after all.

*  You can pick up a copy of Balancing Diabetes here.  

** Blood sugar excursions sound FUN like my BGs are  on a white water rafting trip through Maine, but they aren’t cute or fun or any kind of party whatsoever.