It’s been very quiet here on my blog, and this is because my body and mind entirely are being slowly devoured by the baby. I’m nine days away from my scheduled c-section (but past 38 weeks, so could go into labor on my own any time) and my body hasn’t ever been this pregnant before.
The baby apparently likes being in there, though. He’s content. Happy. Laid back and chillin’.
… good for him because I’m not as content or comfortable, by comparison. My body isn’t tiny to begin with, but a full term baby in my not-very-tall frame is making me waddle. And whine. And I might have burst into tears when I had to pee for the third time in thirty minutes while taking Birdy school shopping. Or when I realized that I saw 1 am, 2.30 am, 4 am, 5 am, and 6 am as a result of waking up and needing to scurry off to the bathroom multiple times due to a baby hanging out so low in my body that he could touch up my pedicure with ease.
And then there’s that weird rush of guilt for not feeling consistently hashtag blessed or hashtag grateful about the opportunity to experience pregnancy, to be having this baby. Getting this baby going was the longest and hardest thing I’ve ever done, clocking in at almost a full three years between the “hoping for baby” and the “holding baby in my arms.” I am beyond excited to meet my son. I am also beyond grateful to be bringing another little friend into our family. But here at the end of the pregnancy moments, I’m very, very whiny and my brain is in a dark space that I hope lets up a bit once I’m not as physically pressured. I’m gigantically pregnant and I kind of feel like a blob of discomfort. I’m beyond tired of sharing my diabetes with someone else, the pressure to be in range exacerbated by the panic of having diabetes adversely influence my child’s development.
I’m sort of emotionally done being pregnant, but my body isn’t quite done yet.
My body and I are at odds about this fact.
Weirdly enough, my body is completely fine with still being pregnant. Blood pressures were good in the first trimester, low for the second trimester, and have just started to creep back up a tiny bit in the last week or two, but I’m still not on any kind of blood pressure medication (was taken off it at the beginning of the second trimester, once my pressures were registering so low that it was causing exhaustion), so that’s a success. During course of this pregnancy, the protein levels in my urine are checked weekly and they’ve only flagged as suspicious once (about two month ago) and even the twenty-four hour urine collections came back entirely negative. My weight is stable and in range (though still WHOA because 38 weeks pregnant). I barely have any swelling in my feet and ankles. My A1Cs have been a source of pride for me, and hard-earned at that. Even my dilated eye exam (they do one every trimester) came back so unremarkable that I’ve been “downgraded” to visiting the eye clinic once a year instead of every three months.
This pregnancy, when pitted against the one with my daughter, is much healthier, by comparison. And for that, I am really hashtag blessed.
But today, at 38 weeks along and the weight of his little world on my pelvis, I’m hashtag tired. And hashtag done. And hashtag secretly hoping they decide that tomorrow is a good birthday for the little nugget because that would be fine by me. Once I am able to give him a good snuggle and kiss his head, I’ll be hashtag grateful all over the place. And hashtag complete.