My health, in one word, is VARIABLE. As are my emotions related to it.
Since that question was asked on a day when I was watching giant Ms and Ws dance on my Dexcom graph, I wasn’t feeling empowered or particularly rah rah. I was pissed, because despite the fact that I had woken up at the exact same time and had eaten the exact same breakfast and taken the exact same insulin dose as the day before, the results were completely different. (One post-prandial was 146 mg/dl and the other was 288 mg/dl. What the fern?) So “variable” was a tamer way of expressing other “one words” I could have used, like “frustrating,” “infuriating,” “stressful,” and “bogus.”
However, if you asked me to finish that Tweet on Monday, when I felt like I had things figured out, I would have said, “My health, in one word, is achievable.” Or “resilient.” “Unflappable.” “Strong.” And it makes me wonder – are these positive words I’m using to describe my health, or myself? The negative words seem to point their wordy little fingers right at diabetes itself, but the positive ones seem to give the PWD a pat on the back. (And rightfully so, because a day of in-range blood sugars isn’t because of diabetes; it’s the result of the hard work of the person with it.)
Which is why “variable” seems to be the best word to describe my health, and my life, with diabetes. Every day includes diabetes, but not every day plays out the same way. Some mornings, I wake up to a flatlined Dexcom and a meter reading that would make my endocrinologist dole out a shiny gold star. But other mornings, the Dexcom is hollering at me and my endo would probably poke me with a stick and tell me to stop sleeping through high alarms. (She’s very nice, and I don’t think she’d actually poke me with a stick. Maybe she’d stick marshmallows on the end of a stick and poke me with that, which is what Chris and I have threatened to do to the cats in efforts to gently punish them. Marshmallow punches. Holy digression there.)
Diabetes is unpredictable. Hard to tame. Karen called it “complicated.” Cherise called it “wacko.” It’s demanding and pushy and relentless and difficult. It’s a child throwing a tantrum. It’s a lion with an attitude problem. It’s ever-changing. It’s variable.
How would you describe your health, in one word?