The wheels on the grocery cart clatter against the store’s tile floor as my Internal Motivational Speaker and My Stomach wage war inside my head.
Internal Motivational Speaker: Oh Kerri, don’t those organic cucumbers look delicious! You can slice them up and eat them as a snack in the morning. Grab two of those.
My hands extend out and grab two cucumbers.
Stomach: Seriously, dude, if you don’t get me something to eat I am going to make that noise you hate. You know the one.
Internal Motivational Speaker: And raspberries! They are filled with flavonoids. Get those, too.
The raspberries make their way into my cart. I shuffle through the grocery store on autopilot.
Internal Motivational Speaker: Yes, yes. Baby spinach. Some sliced turkey and cheese for sandwiches for lunch. Good idea. Baby carrots …
Stomach: Baby spinach, baby carrots. You eat babies. Heh heh. FEED ME. I’m running out of patience.
I turn right and make my way down the granola bar and cereal aisle.
Internal Motivational Speaker: You liked those organic granola bars we bought last week. Grab another box of those. Keep walking past that cereal, too high in carbs for you. You know if makes you spike. How about some banana bread oatmeal? That worked out nicely.
The area just below my belly button lets loose with a low growl, like I’m hiding a ravenous bear underneath my workout shirt.
Stomach: See? Told you. You can’t go to the gym and then come straight here without feeding me. I’ve let the bear loose now. That guy over there just looked at you because it sounds like you are about to throw up. Ha ha ha. Because you eat babies.
Internal Motivational Speaker: Stomach, stop being so crude! We’ll be home soon. Just be patient.
Stomach: I am being patient. You don’t know what I’ve been through, lady. She did abs tonight. Do you know what that means? She spent way too much time crunching and now I’m all tense. Hey Kerri, grab those frosted mini-wheats. I’ve earned them.
Internal Motivational Speaker: No no! Frosting on the outside means high blood sugars on the inside, you silly prat!
Stomach: They say whole-grain. Do you see that, Kerri? Whole-grain. Grab ’em.
Whispering “Whole-grains are in these,” to myself, I add the mini-wheats to my cart.
Internal Motivational Speaker: I can’t believe this! You just went to the gym and now you’re adding “frosted mini-wheats” to the cart? I mean really, Kerri, you need to get your priorities straight. Now come on and put them back.
Stomach: Kerri, you have your priorities in fine order. You are eating well and exercising and torturing the hell out of me. Add those mini-wheats to your rabbit food carriage and let’s get on with this. I need a snack.
The bear growls again.
Stomach: Rocco’s getting upset. Better move on.
I move the mini-wheats underneath the bags of fresh vegetables. My Internal Motivational Speaker sighs deeply.
Internal Motivational Speaker: I can still see them, you know.
Stomach: Oh would you just shut up?
Internal Motivational Speaker: I will not. And another thing …
I hear the sound of a heavy chain snapping and the ravenous roar of a hungry bear.
Stomach: Sick ’em, Rocco!
Internal Motivational Speaker: Noooo!! Oh God, I can feel his breath on my motivational neck! Help!
Her voice trails off. And the mini-wheats stay in the cart.