On any average day, my glucose meter results are just mine.
… mostly. I worry about lows while I’m driving my daughter or traveling alone, but while a low might be witnessed by someone else, it’s my body that goes through the experience. (Not to minimize the experience of watching diabetes from a distance; that’s a whole other post.) The long-term influence of diabetes is still a process-in-progress, but on the whole, the individual meter results are mine to mitigate.
Right now, though, every number on the meter isn’t mine and only mine. These days, every high and low and all the bits in between belong to me and the baby I’m creating.
I take this job very seriously. It’s easier to play by every, single rule during pregnancy because there’s a definitive start and end to this process. 40 weeks marks the duration of an average pregnancy, which means that I need to be on the ball, knocking it out of the park, and other sports analogies for that timeframe. It’s important to plan ahead, if you can, and it’s important to keep at it once the baby is born, but diabetes is truly only shared in tandem for 40 weeks.
Which is why one stupid high is enough to send me into a spiral of panic and wtfuckery.
Yesterday, things got stupid for a few hours and I saw a number on my meter that made the string of curse words come easily. A pump site that needed to be changed and a Dexcom sensor that was repeatedly throwing wonky numbers and a pregnancy that is moving into the “upped insulin resistance” phase didn’t help matters. It took an injection of insulin and hours of frustration (because my body thought, perhaps, I had injected water instead) for the number to move in the right direction. The anger was intense. As was the guilt.
I know that days of highs, not hours, adversely influence a developing baby, but holy shit. This wasn’t just MY HIGH but it was OUR HIGH, and that left me feeling helpless. The best laid plains of NOD mice and women still had me higher than I wanted to be and higher than I felt safe being. I can deal with blood sugar fluctuations as a soloist, but bringing a baby into the mix makes me want to make my standard deviation less … deviant.
Eventually, the numbers started falling, and I cried – a wimpy, gross cry – when I saw the 74 mg/dL on my meter because it meant that I was back in the game. 23 weeks left to go, give or take, before diabetes is “all mine” again.
(Note: Crying is not limited to blood sugars. I also cried when the mailman asked me to sign for a package. Hormones are weird.)