200 mg/dL.
Often, when I see a number like that, I think, “Oh, it’s okay. It doesn’t define me. It’s not an assessment of my self-worth. I’m still a decent person despite an out-of-range blood sugar.”
And that’s true. I’ve written about how true that is a pile of times*. These numbers aren’t ME.
… but they’re still mine.
The problem with those statements, for me, is that they can lull me into a false sense of security. They make me complacent. “Meh. 200 mg/dL isn’t a big deal.”
The emotional load that diabetes brings to the table, daily, is tremendous. I’m a little envious of people who seem (are?) able to remove the emotions from their data points and who can forgive themselves for extreme blood sugar excursions**. I’m also a little envious of people who are able to look at their own data and go, “Nope. No more excuses,” without a shred of self-loathing. I carry some real guilt when it comes to blood sugar management because in a lot of circumstances, my actions influence my numbers. Am I high right now? Yes, because I had some breakfast and forgot to prebolus for it. While my pancreases refusal to make insulin isn’t in my control, the day-to-day of my blood sugars are in my control. I need to remember that, and act on that fact.
There are several dozen factors in play that influence blood sugars – the team at diaTribe put together this awesome analysis – and I can point fingers accurately at hormones, stress, and other “not me!” moments, but I need to give myself some tough love when it comes to blood sugars. Part of what I am trying to work on lately is to be forgiving to a point. Like I’ve forgiven myself for not prebolusing for breakfast, and also for being high. But I don’t look at the number and shrug. I’m trying to replace diabetes apathy with agency, holding myself accountable without buckling under the pressure.
I can do that. It’s not cryabetes, after all.
* You can pick up a copy of Balancing Diabetes here.
** Blood sugar excursions sound FUN like my BGs are on a white water rafting trip through Maine, but they aren’t cute or fun or any kind of party whatsoever.
Cryabetes, I love it! I was so preoccupied this evening it seems I forgot I had diabetes at all. Missed a bolus for biscuits and tea altogether! Now having to practice a bit of forgiveness and a bit of suck it up princess.
I blew through a lunch and forgot to bolus yesterday and I have to say that 192 was shocking. I hate it when my blood sugar goes like that because of my own stupidity. So a rage bolus, an hour and I was back to,, well that is a different story.
I’m okay with forgetting things sometimes, as prebolussing or an bolus altogether. BUT I’m enraged when either I do something despite I should have known better OR when I do everything correctly and I nevertheless get an unexplainable high blood sugar and I cannot figure out why. (Probably it’s hormones mostly but thex don’t show up exactly on my meter. That would be so convenient.)
Only in the first case I’m angry with myself though. In the second case I’m just angry with the unfairness of the world.
Oh yes, this is the very thing that gets me too. Finding that balance between “blame diabetes” and “I can (and should) do better”. I suppose when I know I’ve honestly tried my best and thing didn’t work out, I need to cut myself some slack. But when things didn’t work out because I’ve simply been sloppy with my diabetes management? Well then I can hold myself somewhat accountable and (hopefully) use it as motivation to be less sloppy next time….