Ahh bullet points. Ye be the only(e) way I can process things at the moment.
- I don’t have a lot to say over here lately, and there are a dozen different reasons for that. One is that the new baby kiddo keeps me extremely busy, what with his cluster feeding and chatty ways, and also the fact that he is still not much of a nighttime sleeper, with his sleepless nights becoming my sleepless nights. Which translates into not a lot of creative brain power during the daylight hours.
- (But holy fuck am I creative at night. I make up songs on the fly, can produce ounces of breastmilk without a second thought, and have taken to texting writing ideas to myself with one hand while hugging Guy Smiley with the other. The problem is executing on these ideas once the sun rises, because it’s then that I fall apart.)
- The baby is getting much bigger, though, and even though we’ve had some issues getting him to gain weight (not a problem now – more on that tomorrow or Friday), he’s thriving perfectly now. He has also entered that super smiley/finally giving feedback stage, which I love. The baby grins and gurgles are my favorite. He sounds so much like his sister at this stage, and yet he’s so distinctly himself. His smile lights up the room, even when he’s spitting up into my freshly washed hair.
- My kids are my focus these days, which keeps my heart full but my blog kind of empty-ish.
- I’m also reluctant to get political in public, mostly because the diabetes community is united by busted pancreases and political discussions have the potential to cut our crucial community in half, but the election did not go the way I had hoped and I have grave concerns about health insurance, safety, and social issues these days. This is contributing to the maelstrom of thoughts in my head, and the CGM frowns on my desire for Tylenol.
- The election circus also sort of sucked the wind out of my sails in terms of diabetes awareness month activities, as well. I’m having a difficult time focusing on the diabetes community when the country as a whole seems to be imploding to a certain extent. I wear my blue circle pin when I’m out and I gave a presentation at a local hospital system last night, but for the most part, I’ve felt quieter than normal these days.
- And another reason for my silence is that diabetes isn’t fun to talk about lately. Back when I first started blogging, I would share a lot of the minutiae because I’d never had the chance to get that sort of stuff off my chest before. Talking about a rogue low blood sugar that hit while I was in the shower? That story came out easily. But all of those diabetes moments feel redundant lately. Yes, I was low. I was high. I was frustrated. I was burnt out. I was empowered. I made steps forward in some areas, backwards in others. It isn’t interesting to me at the moment. When I think about diabetes, it’s this hamster wheel of the same tasks and the same emotions earning similar outcomes. I’m still living with this disease, still trying to manage it, still having good and bad days. Documenting those moments isn’t coming as easily to me anymore.
- Maybe it’s because of my increased desire to keep more things private, even in the health space. I looked back at some of my past blogs and saw that I’d chronicled a lot more of my pregnancy with Birdy than I did with my son. I definitely blame infertility and fear of losing another pregnancy for that silence, but even now that my son is out and safe, I’m still reluctant to share a whole bunch about him. I have a monthly letter than I’ve been writing to him (there’s two done already and a third one is in my mental queue … maybe I’ll feel up to sharing that third one here sometime) but I like keeping those in his email account (password to be given to him when he’s older).
- Maybe this privacy surge is a result of being older. Or tired. (Or maybe being tired is a result of being older. See also: non-sleepy cute infant person)
- I love the diabetes community – truly love it – and I remain a big fan of blogging, but maybe long form blogging is starting to shift a little bit. Lots of activity on Instagram and Twitter (never got into Snapchat – my luck, the cat would walk by and puke while I was recording a video or something), but the long and winding blog posts are harder to find these days. Do they require more effort to read? I keep seeing things on Medium marked as “long reads” that are also marked as “8 minutes” and that sends me into “get off my lawn” mode because is eight minutes really a long read? Does that means all books are becoming pamphlets and Jodi Picoult will suddenly start writing her tomes in tiny tattoo form?
- I think I’m a little tired, overall. Tired of diabetes (post-pregnancy burnout in full swing, thank you very much) and tired from adjusting to the arrival, chaos, and joy of a newborn baby. (I think there’s some guilt half-baked into that, because I wanted my son so much that I feel a little guilty about some of the exhausted frustration I’ve felt. I could not possibly love him more, and I simultaneously could not need a nap more.)
Things will settle down. I’ll post here as time allows and as inspiration strikes. Diabetes will always be here, right? It’s okay to take a breather from talking incessantly about it.