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Month 8,455 of Pregnancy.

It’s been very quiet here on my blog, and this is because my body and mind entirely are being slowly devoured by the baby.  I’m nine days away from my scheduled c-section (but past 38 weeks, so could go into labor on my own any time) and my body hasn’t ever been this pregnant before.

The baby apparently likes being in there, though.  He’s content.  Happy.  Laid back and chillin’.

… good for him because I’m not as content or comfortable, by comparison.  My body isn’t tiny to begin with, but a full term baby in my not-very-tall frame is making me waddle.  And whine.  And I might have burst into tears when I had to pee for the third time in thirty minutes while taking Birdy school shopping.  Or when I realized that I saw 1 am, 2.30 am, 4 am, 5 am, and 6 am as a result of waking up and needing to scurry off to the bathroom multiple times due to a baby hanging out so low in my body that he could touch up my pedicure with ease.

And then there’s that weird rush of guilt for not feeling consistently hashtag blessed or hashtag grateful about the opportunity to experience pregnancy, to be having this baby.  Getting this baby going was the longest and hardest thing I’ve ever done, clocking in at almost a full three years between the “hoping for baby” and the “holding baby in my arms.”  I am beyond excited to meet my son.  I am also beyond grateful to be bringing another little friend into our family.  But here at the end of the pregnancy moments, I’m very, very whiny and my brain is in a dark space that I hope lets up a bit once I’m not as physically pressured.  I’m gigantically pregnant and I kind of feel like a blob of discomfort.  I’m beyond tired of sharing my diabetes with someone else, the pressure to be in range exacerbated by the panic of having diabetes adversely influence my child’s development.

I’m sort of emotionally done being pregnant, but my body isn’t quite done yet.

My body and I are at odds about this fact.

Weirdly enough, my body is completely fine with still being pregnant.  Blood pressures were good in the first trimester, low for the second trimester, and have just started to creep back up a tiny bit in the last week or two, but I’m still not on any kind of blood pressure medication (was taken off it at the beginning of the second trimester, once my pressures were registering so low that it was causing exhaustion), so that’s a success.  During course of this pregnancy, the protein levels in my urine are checked weekly and they’ve only flagged as suspicious once (about two month ago) and even the twenty-four hour urine collections came back entirely negative.  My weight is stable and in range (though still WHOA because 38 weeks pregnant).  I barely have any swelling in my feet and ankles.  My A1Cs have been a source of pride for me, and hard-earned at that.  Even my dilated eye exam (they do one every trimester) came back so unremarkable that I’ve been “downgraded” to visiting the eye clinic once a year instead of every three months.

This pregnancy, when pitted against the one with my daughter, is much healthier, by comparison.  And for that, I am really hashtag blessed.

But today, at 38 weeks along and the weight of his little world on my pelvis, I’m hashtag tired.  And hashtag done.  And hashtag secretly hoping they decide that tomorrow is a good birthday for the little nugget because that would be fine by me.  Once I am able to give him a good snuggle and kiss his head, I’ll be hashtag grateful all over the place.  And hashtag complete.

12 Comments Post a comment
  1. Amylia #

    Thanks for keeping it real. That guilt from not feeling completely grateful for being pregnant is one I felt often with my pregnancy, eps at the end. Once I could hold her and know she was ok I knew all was right in my world and I could breathe again a huge ass sigh of relief. Almost there. So happy for you and your family.

    08/22/16; 2:02 pm
  2. Laura #

    Hang in there!! I was sooo miserable with Mason at the end that I had my ob schedule my induction date 3 days early because I couldn’t take it anymore (increasing swelling and carpal tunnel that was keeping me up all night and in pain all day long). Those boys love their mamas and want to keep put as long as possible, right!? Don’t worry at all that you’re not hashtag blessed 24/7 now or even when he comes and you’re not sleeping again for 7,538 months, getting pooped on, and dealing with all things baby. You love him with all your heart but you’re also allowed to be DONE with the less than fantastic parts of pregnancy. I’m so excited for you guys though!! xoxo!

    08/22/16; 2:27 pm
    • AHHH YES the carpal tunnel is wicked bad this time around. But it is all worth is, even if the last week or two feels bananas. xoxo to you guys!!

      08/22/16; 2:53 pm
  3. #awesome

    08/22/16; 2:57 pm
  4. Oh man and I thought he was out and about by now 🙂 But it’s so awesome that your pregnancy is so healthy he is still happily cooking ❤️ I feel bad now for feeling like a whale with a whole trimester to go – I guess the uncomfortable part is just beginning for me lol

    08/22/16; 3:40 pm
  5. Susan #

    Thanks for the laugh Kerri, although I know it’s no laughing matter. We were due at the same time however our little one arrived 12 days ago. A little bit earlier than we hoped but my body is infinitely grateful. Wishing you all the best in the coming days.

    08/22/16; 5:08 pm
  6. Well, today is my birthday. And I say, the more the merrier. If he’d just pick up the speed a bit, I’d be glad to share it with him. :o)

    08/22/16; 5:14 pm
  7. This was certainly a good read! I was hoping for one more post before little man arrives. If you’re crying when you drop things, or farting when you try to reach for something (oh yes, I did) you’re ALMOST THERE. Oh, the things they don’t put in those darn “What to Expect” books!

    Hang in there!!

    I hope you have a friend who has come over to paint your toenails.

    08/22/16; 8:23 pm
  8. So so so glad you’re blood pressure is cooperating with you this time! Even if you’re not feeling hashtag blessed and hashtag grateful! 😉 LOL. Thinking of you!

    08/22/16; 10:55 pm
  9. Thanks for sharing those last precious moments before your baby comes whooshing into the world. Fingers and toes crossed for a smooth birth!

    08/23/16; 1:43 am
  10. Laura #

    I think our due dates were about a week and a half apart, and our little guy was served his eviction notice at 37+ 5; about a week and a half ago. Those last couple weeks weeks were killer, especially with the heat we have down South, but well worth it! Just think of all those newborn baby snuggles coming up soon.

    08/23/16; 1:15 pm
  11. Sandy Brooks #

    I for one am #grateful for u and ur blog and being so open about all the not so pretty or grateful stuff!!

    U’ll get there!! In ur heart ur #grateful but ur only human & a petite human can only take so much!! Being vertically challenged myself & having been pregnant although a long time ago, I can relate!!!!

    So, excited u and ur family will be snuggling with ur newborn soon!!!!

    Sandy

    PS- if u need anything while ur in the Boston area, don’t be afraid to shout. I’m right in Braintree and am a PRO at Longwood Area Medical traffic!!!! I even know the back way into the city!! LOL!!!!

    Good Luck!! We’re all rooting for u!!!!

    08/24/16; 2:31 pm

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