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One, Stupid High.

On any average day, my glucose meter results are just mine.

… mostly.  I worry about lows while I’m driving my daughter or traveling alone, but while a low might be witnessed by someone else, it’s my body that goes through the experience.  (Not to minimize the experience of watching diabetes from a distance; that’s a whole other post.)  The long-term influence of diabetes is still a process-in-progress, but on the whole, the individual meter results are mine to mitigate.

Right now, though, every number on the meter isn’t mine and only mine.  These days, every high and low and all the bits in between belong to me and the baby I’m creating.

No pressure.

I take this job very seriously.  It’s easier to play by every, single rule during pregnancy because there’s a definitive start and end to this process.  40 weeks marks the duration of an average pregnancy, which means that I need to be on the ball, knocking it out of the park, and other sports analogies for that timeframe.  It’s important to plan ahead, if you can, and it’s important to keep at it once the baby is born, but diabetes is truly only shared in tandem for 40 weeks.

Which is why one stupid high is enough to send me into a spiral of panic and wtfuckery.

Yesterday, things got stupid for a few hours and I saw a number on my meter that made the string of curse words come easily.  A pump site that needed to be changed and a Dexcom sensor that was repeatedly throwing wonky numbers and a pregnancy that is moving into the “upped insulin resistance” phase didn’t help matters.  It took an injection of insulin and hours of frustration (because my body thought, perhaps, I had injected water instead) for the number to move in the right direction.  The anger was intense.  As was the guilt.

I know that days of highs, not hours, adversely influence a developing baby, but holy shit.  This wasn’t just MY HIGH but it was OUR HIGH, and that left me feeling helpless.  The best laid plains of NOD mice and women still had me higher than I wanted to be and higher than I felt safe being.  I can deal with  blood sugar fluctuations as a soloist, but bringing a baby into the mix makes me want to make my standard deviation less … deviant.

Eventually, the numbers started falling, and I cried – a wimpy, gross cry – when I saw the 74 mg/dL on my meter because it meant that I was back in the game.  23 weeks left to go, give or take, before diabetes is “all mine” again.

(Note: Crying is not limited to blood sugars.  I also cried when the mailman asked me to sign for a package.  Hormones are weird.)  

13 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jen #

    YAASSS. I remember crying ten zillion ugly cries during my first trimester with Bean because the First Tri lows were coupled with First Tri highs. It’s terrible to feel like an unfit mother when your child isn’t even born yet!

    03/23/16; 1:43 pm
  2. Christina #

    Been there. :/

    03/23/16; 2:09 pm
  3. Julie #

    Thank you thank you thank you for this post! I am 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby and the effect of a high showing up on the dexcom, plus the ‘insulin as water’ effect (i love that!!) is just overwhelming and smothered-in-guilt and sometimes emotionally intolerable. Means so much to me to read about someone else going through the same thing!

    03/23/16; 3:11 pm
  4. Martha #

    It is so much pressure! And yet you know that as hard as you try you won’t get perfect results because that’s just the nature of the beast. But I bet you’re doing great and yes, keep counting down those weeks!

    03/23/16; 3:56 pm
  5. Laura #

    Oh my goodness you brought back my experience when pregnant with both my babies. I know exactly how you feel and the stress of growing a baby and keeping it safe and then adding the crazy world of diabetes on top of it. Prayers for you and baby #2!

    03/23/16; 4:02 pm
  6. Such a good mom.

    03/23/16; 4:07 pm
  7. You are doing great! Thank you for sharing – such a marathon it is… Nice to remind yourself that it is finite and then the guilt will decrease because as you said it will just be *your diabetes again 🙂

    03/23/16; 4:53 pm
  8. Megan English #

    Hi! I really like your blog. It is interesting and inspiring. If you don’t mind, check out my brand new blog i just started! it is

    03/23/16; 6:00 pm
  9. April #

    I’m a T1 pregnant with my second and ashamed to say that my blood sugars have not been well controlled this time around. I’m 36.5 weeks and measuring 43! I love in northern Vermont but am seriously considering driving the 4 hours to Joslin for better diabetes care. My medical team is a joke ( my diabetes doctor told me to wake up in the night and do jumping jacks while 8 months pregnant to fight stubborn highs).
    Interestingly enough, in the past week I’m back to the chronic lows of the first trimester, but my doc has no idea why.

    03/23/16; 10:12 pm
  10. Kelin #

    Oh my goodness! The highs and lows! I remember having a 27 when I was pregnant with my first. Talk about scary. It just didn’t want to seem to come up either. So an hour later I’m still chugging juice and shoving whatever I could find in my mouth. Then I got a virus with my second and instead of going to the hospital (like a good diabetic would do…believe me I got chewed out by my high risk doctor the next day) I stayed home. I would vomit, my blood sugar would go down into the 40’s, drink juice, my blood sugar would go into the 80’s,vomit, 40’s, juice, 80’s…repeat. All night. God bless my poor husband.

    03/24/16; 9:12 am
  11. ria #

    “back in the olden days” (1974) (when I had my baby girl) there was no way of knowing your daily numbers.
    Technology has certainly come a looooong way since then
    I remember going to the doctor for a weekly blood test.
    That was how they evaluated my over all diabetes control.

    03/24/16; 12:41 pm
  12. Beth #

    Thanks for this. I’ve been a little frustrated lowly (feeling like burnout?) as I am 18 weeks and definitely shifting into the increasing resistance phase as well. Always helps to read that I’m not the only one. Hang in there (to you and me too).

    03/24/16; 5:55 pm

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