“Thank you for calling [insert every company name I had to call yesterday here].  Please listen carefully, as our telephone options have changed.”

“Please press one to continue in English, para español oprima dos.”

“Press two if you are a patient, press three if you are a provider, press four if you are a member of the media, press five to return to the main menu, press one if you noticed that we skipped right to two and didn’t mention one.”

“Enter your twelve digit prescription number.”

“Enter your date of birth.”

“I’m sorry – your date of birth is not valid.  Please re-enter your date of birth starting with a two digit month, two digit date, and four digit year.”

“Enter your six digit group number, followed by the date of birth of the primary policy holder.”

“What is your shipping address?”

“I’m sorry – I didn’t understand that.  Can you please confirm your shipping address?”

“Your shipment will be to you in seven to ten business days.  One of your orders requires special packaging and will arrive on your doorstep wrapped in pillows of ice with penguins stamped on the side and your neighbors might think you have ice cream delivered every three months in bulk but you and I both know it’s just insulin – wink, wink.”

“Your confirmation number will be given to you at the end of this call.  Please be sure to write that confirmation number down.”

“If you’d like to enroll in our automatic refill program, please listen to the following message.  If you don’t want to enroll in our automatic refill program, please listen to this message because you can’t hang up until you hear the confirmation number.”

“Please hold while we process your request.  Do not disconnect before hearing your confirmation number.”

“Your confirmation number is the sum of 5+4-(323 x 423)/9.  Would you like me to repeat your confirmation number?”

“Press three to speak with a customer service representative.”

“Are you sure?  Press three again, twice and really fast, to speak with a customer service representative.”

“Please hold while we transfer your call.”

“Thank you for continuing to hold.  Please continue to hold.”

“Thank you for holding.  We heard you pee, even though you thought we were on mute.  Thank you for washing your hands.  Please continue to hold.”

“Hoooooooooooold.”

“Still hold.”

“Thank you for calling.  Please listen carefully, as our telephone options have changed.”

 

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