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Time Consuming.

“Thank you for calling [insert every company name I had to call yesterday here].  Please listen carefully, as our telephone options have changed.”

“Please press one to continue in English, para español oprima dos.”

“Press two if you are a patient, press three if you are a provider, press four if you are a member of the media, press five to return to the main menu, press one if you noticed that we skipped right to two and didn’t mention one.”

“Enter your twelve digit prescription number.”

“Enter your date of birth.”

“I’m sorry – your date of birth is not valid.  Please re-enter your date of birth starting with a two digit month, two digit date, and four digit year.”

“Enter your six digit group number, followed by the date of birth of the primary policy holder.”

“What is your shipping address?”

“I’m sorry – I didn’t understand that.  Can you please confirm your shipping address?”

“Your shipment will be to you in seven to ten business days.  One of your orders requires special packaging and will arrive on your doorstep wrapped in pillows of ice with penguins stamped on the side and your neighbors might think you have ice cream delivered every three months in bulk but you and I both know it’s just insulin – wink, wink.”

“Your confirmation number will be given to you at the end of this call.  Please be sure to write that confirmation number down.”

“If you’d like to enroll in our automatic refill program, please listen to the following message.  If you don’t want to enroll in our automatic refill program, please listen to this message because you can’t hang up until you hear the confirmation number.”

“Please hold while we process your request.  Do not disconnect before hearing your confirmation number.”

“Your confirmation number is the sum of 5+4-(323 x 423)/9.  Would you like me to repeat your confirmation number?”

“Press three to speak with a customer service representative.”

“Are you sure?  Press three again, twice and really fast, to speak with a customer service representative.”

“Please hold while we transfer your call.”

“Thank you for continuing to hold.  Please continue to hold.”

“Thank you for holding.  We heard you pee, even though you thought we were on mute.  Thank you for washing your hands.  Please continue to hold.”


“Still hold.”

“Thank you for calling.  Please listen carefully, as our telephone options have changed.”


16 Comments Post a comment
  1. Deb #

    “Your call is important to us.”. No, it f$&@ing is not! If it was, you’d hire some more customer service representatives!!!!

    07/15/15; 9:39 am
    • Martha #

      No, you have to say “your call is VERY important to us.” And you have to say it very slowly.

      07/15/15; 5:14 pm
  2. Jennifer #

    So my life the last week!! Want to scream!! And I don’t know which is worse – company ads while you hold, or 80s muzak.

    07/15/15; 10:15 am
  3. It’s funny because it’s true. Which, actually, makes it not funny at all, if I really think about it. (But still, I laughed because you have a way of making unfunny things really funny!!)


    07/15/15; 11:17 am
  4. ria #

    hahaha !
    so true !
    my husband always asks why I am using my “angry” tone of voice when I am talking to a recording

    07/15/15; 11:36 am
  5. So hysterical, and so true!

    But we can’t forget the part when you FINALLY reach a representative, and they ask for your name, birthdate, and member ID number. Because the automated system doesn’t really use it for anything…it’s just an evil trick to keep you occupied and make you think you’re not being neglected while on hold.

    07/15/15; 2:15 pm
  6. Gah…. Currently crying over a phone call like this. It made me smile. Good to know I’m not alone.

    07/15/15; 7:09 pm
  7. Nolan Kienitz #

    I’m now on Medicare. The wait times are worse than terrible. And it is close to impossible to get any insulin for my pump due to Medicare. They consider insulin (used in a pump) as a Durable Medical Equipment. Try and find a pharmacy that knows how to process that order?

    I’ve been working for over two weeks now to get my insulin RX filled for my pump. I’m not sure if I’m closer to the end of the effort or about to yet again start over.

    07/15/15; 7:14 pm
  8. Carol Coombes #

    And if you are north of the border… 1 for English, presser le 2 pour francais

    07/15/15; 7:21 pm
  9. Abbott Smith #

    Press 1 if you’ve realized that we do not have a healthcare system. We have an insurance system.

    Press 2 if you realize that our medical decisions are being made by legalized bookies. We bet that we will be sick. They bet we will be healthy and the House always wins.

    Press 3 if you realize that these bookies then launder the profits through their lobby and capital investment services and that this secures their place in the power infrastructure.

    If you pressed 1,2 or 3 your call will now be disconnected. Please try again later.

    07/15/15; 9:56 pm
  10. Laura #

    My favorite part of the penguin box is that on mine they appear to be wearing little bowties but they have the big red circle with a line through it on top of them. So it’s all “NO PENGUINS WITH BOWTIES!!!!” On the plus side, I’ve never seen one try to take my delivery box from my stoop, but I’m keeping my eyes open. Tricky well-dressed penguins….

    07/15/15; 10:18 pm
  11. This makes me laugh 🙂

    07/16/15; 6:57 am
  12. My goodness, this was on point! You inspired me yesterday in your tweets. I joined you in misery and made all the phone calls that I’ve been putting off. Today is a new day. I miss talking to real people and often shout “REPRESENTATIVE” into the phone hoping it works. I get lucky 50% of the time.

    07/16/15; 12:15 pm
  13. Kristin #

    Love it. Thanks for the laugh.

    07/16/15; 7:53 pm
  14. This is too funny for words!

    CVS Caremark pharmacy always has me key in all the numbers for my scripts, then it always tells me I may need to give them a credit card number (I don’t), then it finally dumps me over to a real person where I start all over on it again.

    07/19/15; 11:36 pm

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