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You Take the Good, You Take the Bad.

… you take it all and then you have Life With Diabetes (LWD?).  (This is all sung to the tune of The Facts of Life theme song, which is the earworm to end all earworms, as far as I’m concerned.)

I can’t remember where I first read this sentiment – I think it was on a #dsma Twitter chat – but it stuck with me.  To paraphrase: someone was feeling down about their diabetes management and couldn’t find solace in the Diabetes Online Community because everything they saw online was way too upbeat and it made them feel strange/sad/isolated because they thought they might be the only ones bummed out by the daily duties.  (Only they managed to say all of that in less than 140 characters.)

I’m kind of in those kinds of moments these days.  Even though I have 100 mg/dLs that I could take pictures of and post to Instagram, I don’t feel like it.  Can I just post a picture of my Dexcom graph and spell “BLARGH” in yellow, white, and red letters?  I’m not in diabetes burnout mode (numbers-wise, my rotten old diabetes is fine and dandy), but I might be in social media burnout and sort of over the diabetes thing and am also working through quite a few non-diabetes-related moments that aren’t causing any harm but are eating up a lot of my brain space.

That sentence was a disaster.  But I don’t particularly care.

Yeah, it sounds like vagueposting but it’s not. Not intentionally, anyway.  It’s more that it’s not that interesting and I don’t feel like talking about the bulk of it.   (Do you really want to hear about how I spent four hours boxing up clothes that my daughter had outgrown?  No, you don’t.  It would make you the mayor of Yawn Town, and me the Town Crier.)

I am a little eh about diabetes these days.  My meter average is fine and my insurance company continues to cover the same shit it has always covered, but I’m so meh and blah and YAWN about the whole thing.  It’s a whole lot of work with the payoff being to do a whole lot of work again tomorrow (and the next day, and the next) and it’s giving me run-on sentences.

It feels counterproductive to post Tweets that say, “Sometimes I have nothing positive to say.”  Or “I don’t like the way that focusing on diabetes makes me feel some days.”  I like playing the positivity card because it is usually how I feel and also because it feels better than throwing down the “diabetes can go screw” card, but – being honest – the positivity thing feels better because it doesn’t feed into itself.  If someone posts a “Hey, check out my no-hitter!” graph, the kneejerk response of, “Way to go, you!!” is easy to send out.  But someone posts:

… finding the right response can be a challenge and the silence can feed into the negativity. But it’s not all happy moments. There are some downer moments mixed into the flow of things, and not acknowledging them alongside the happiness feels disingenuous.

I don’t know. Diabetes can be an overwhelming little mess at times, and more often than not this week, I’d rather throw my meter after checking my blood sugar. And not because the result itself is crap, but because I’m low on the positivity thing as of late. I need a reboot. This morning, after doing some prep work for this week’s AADE conference, I didn’t feel like posting anything so my kid and I went to the zoo. Maybe I need more of that.

There’s no succinct end to this post. It sort of trails off because I don’t know what else to say. Other than hey. And blah.

24 Comments Post a comment
  1. Meh and blah and YAWN but you are still delightful to read.

    08/4/14; 5:29 pm
  2. Kerri, you’re a person with a daughter first, and a person with diabetes second. And if taking Birdy to the Zoo sounds more fun than cheering a broken body part, then…well… you’re completely entitled to make that choice. And you’d be right, too.

    08/4/14; 5:30 pm
  3. Funny thing.

    I was about to comment, noting that I just had my 30 year diaversary last month, and this month day #11,000 is coming up. And how I was ‘ho hum’ about it.

    Another day in the continuing adventures of Brian and his pal diabetes.

    But first, I went to read the link of your June 2013 Over it. post first. Reading the comments there I found one that I wrote.

    After 29 years of type 1, all I can say, like I would say to my daughter, type 1 also (7 years). “I understand.”

    I guess all I can say now is Ditto.

    Thanks for all your efforts to communicate these thoughts and feelings so well with the rest of us in the peanut gallery.

    08/4/14; 5:44 pm
  4. Well said, as always. I’m there, too. I have a ton of stuff I could say about diabetes (camps, travel, etc) but it’s just not happening right now. Not burnout, just other stuff. I think I’ll enjoy a bit more summer before I get back to it.

    08/4/14; 5:46 pm
  5. I think the end of this post is pretty perfect.

    08/4/14; 6:47 pm
  6. Laddie #

    Those of you who have Type 1 and earn your living with conferences, consulting, writing, etc. about Type 1 are vulnerable to a kind of burn-out that is different from “regular” burn-out. I remember once reading that you mentioned someday writing a book that wasn’t about diabetes. Someday that might be a really good idea. After all, you’re not defined by your diabetes:-)

    08/4/14; 7:16 pm
  7. I just want diabetes to fuck off lately. I’m glad I’m not alone, but sometimes I wish I was.

    08/4/14; 7:36 pm
  8. You know Kerri, I didn’t come away from FFL recharged and energized like I normally do… sometimes I wonder if it becomes a bit ‘old had’ at times. Same crap, different day

    08/4/14; 7:53 pm
    • Kim #

      I felt the very same way about FFL this year too, Scott – I wanted to feel that, “Yeah! Woo!” feeling again, and I just didn’t.

      08/4/14; 9:27 pm
  9. You know, I completely agree. Heck, I compartmentalize the dang D thing, and keep doing the things I’ve always loved to do.

    You’re a busy advocate and a fierce fighter, but even the fiercest of fighters need a little R&R.

    08/4/14; 8:45 pm
  10. Danielle #

    Thanks for sharing. One of my favorite things about the DOC and the thing that makes me NEED it so much is that we’re not afraid to share the meh days as well. Some days I am excited to share when a stranger notices my CGM. Some days i just don’t feel like being a diabetes advocate. Thanks for verbalizing and validating the way we feel sometimes. And enjoy those days away from the laptop!

    08/4/14; 9:54 pm
  11. Dana #

    While I always appreciate your positive outlook (reading your posts has a way of making a tough D day better), I also appreciate knowing you are human, and you have these days too. Thanks for sharing both sides with the DOC

    08/4/14; 10:04 pm
  12. Chris A #

    Yup, right there with you on the blah blah thing. I’m blaming the damn lunar phases. Damn you Moon.

    08/4/14; 10:20 pm
  13. Thanks for sharing this part of your story, too, Kerri. I think it’s important for us to do.

    08/4/14; 11:14 pm
  14. I so understand! I’ve got some thoughts on it for myself (that I don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly yet) because I think I understand why.

    08/5/14; 12:24 am
  15. Sarah Linn #

    “I’m so meh and blah and YAWN about the whole thing. It’s a whole lot of work with the payoff being to do a whole lot of work again tomorrow (and the next day, and the next) and it’s giving me run-on sentences.”

    this sentence of yours cracks me up! it makes perfect sense that sometimes diabetes is just one more chore – even on the good days, when all is going well and there are no roller coaster readings…it’s not unlike dishes or laundry or the other mundane endlessly repetitive stuff, in that sense. So the ZOO seems like the right cure for the daily grind. I’m working on 37 years with T1, and I do think there’s a weariness factor sometimes, which is why exotic animals and other inspirations can be helpful….

    08/5/14; 2:35 am
  16. Jochen #

    Just wanted to send you some good vibes from over the ocean…

    And thanks for sharing your Hey and blah.

    08/5/14; 4:08 am
  17. Stefan Rubin #

    Everyone who has done this for longer than a week understands. In the last two years I lost both of my parents and everything, but especially diabetes feels different. As I am no longer the beloved kid with T1, but the only adult in charge. I am seeking and finding support from people like you. Thanks for sharing the ups and downs.


    08/5/14; 9:45 am
  18. I love this. This is pretty much how I feel about diabetes sometimes, but my 14 year old son is the one who has T1D and he pretty much feel like that all the time… just doesn’t even want to give it any airtime…online or in conversation. I think that might be the adolescence, though.

    08/5/14; 10:37 am
  19. Sending you my best, Kerri, with some of my own personalized YAWNS and BLAHs mixed in there. Have you had much of a chance recently to get over to the New England coast and light-tours? I remember you writing about how awesome that was, in recharging. I have one of those coming up in late September to Upper Peninsula, and will be totally offline – can’t wait, and think that will do more recharging for me than anything in quite a while.

    08/5/14; 10:42 am
  20. ria #

    we D’s live this Every day, minute, second
    when we are doing ok in the D world, and when we are not
    if you don’t blah and eh, you scream
    6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of another
    hope you had a fun day at the zoo

    08/5/14; 10:50 am
  21. This is why I find it impossible to write solely about one disease process. After 10 years of breast cancer there just isn’t that much more to say about it. Type 2 diabetes is the same old stuff day after day. So I write about my family and my job and what I made for dinner and in the end I realize that all of the above are affected by diabetes and cancer and heart disease. Still, with blogs the most successful ones are focused on one thing. I just can’t do that.

    08/5/14; 12:20 pm
  22. suki #

    About diabetes, I always say, “It’s been fun while it lasted, but I’m ready to be over it now!” Sometimes, I think about doing this routine day in and day out, stretching out to the horizon of the end of my life, however long that may be, and I wonder how I will ever keep at it…!

    08/5/14; 12:49 pm

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