You Take the Good, You Take the Bad.
… you take it all and then you have Life With Diabetes (LWD?). (This is all sung to the tune of The Facts of Life theme song, which is the earworm to end all earworms, as far as I’m concerned.)
I can’t remember where I first read this sentiment – I think it was on a #dsma Twitter chat – but it stuck with me. To paraphrase: someone was feeling down about their diabetes management and couldn’t find solace in the Diabetes Online Community because everything they saw online was way too upbeat and it made them feel strange/sad/isolated because they thought they might be the only ones bummed out by the daily duties. (Only they managed to say all of that in less than 140 characters.)
I’m kind of in those kinds of moments these days. Even though I have 100 mg/dLs that I could take pictures of and post to Instagram, I don’t feel like it. Can I just post a picture of my Dexcom graph and spell “BLARGH” in yellow, white, and red letters? I’m not in diabetes burnout mode (numbers-wise, my rotten old diabetes is fine and dandy), but I might be in social media burnout and sort of over the diabetes thing and am also working through quite a few non-diabetes-related moments that aren’t causing any harm but are eating up a lot of my brain space.
That sentence was a disaster. But I don’t particularly care.
Yeah, it sounds like vagueposting but it’s not. Not intentionally, anyway. It’s more that it’s not that interesting and I don’t feel like talking about the bulk of it. (Do you really want to hear about how I spent four hours boxing up clothes that my daughter had outgrown? No, you don’t. It would make you the mayor of Yawn Town, and me the Town Crier.)
I am a little eh about diabetes these days. My meter average is fine and my insurance company continues to cover the same shit it has always covered, but I’m so meh and blah and YAWN about the whole thing. It’s a whole lot of work with the payoff being to do a whole lot of work again tomorrow (and the next day, and the next) and it’s giving me run-on sentences.
It feels counterproductive to post Tweets that say, “Sometimes I have nothing positive to say.” Or “I don’t like the way that focusing on diabetes makes me feel some days.” I like playing the positivity card because it is usually how I feel and also because it feels better than throwing down the “diabetes can go screw” card, but – being honest – the positivity thing feels better because it doesn’t feed into itself. If someone posts a “Hey, check out my no-hitter!” graph, the kneejerk response of, “Way to go, you!!” is easy to send out. But someone posts:
I am just not feeling it today.
— Kerri / Diabetes (@sixuntilme) August 4, 2014
… finding the right response can be a challenge and the silence can feed into the negativity. But it’s not all happy moments. There are some downer moments mixed into the flow of things, and not acknowledging them alongside the happiness feels disingenuous.
I don’t know. Diabetes can be an overwhelming little mess at times, and more often than not this week, I’d rather throw my meter after checking my blood sugar. And not because the result itself is crap, but because I’m low on the positivity thing as of late. I need a reboot. This morning, after doing some prep work for this week’s AADE conference, I didn’t feel like posting anything so my kid and I went to the zoo. Maybe I need more of that.
There’s no succinct end to this post. It sort of trails off because I don’t know what else to say. Other than hey. And blah.