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Over It.

It was sitting in traffic on the way to Boston for an endocrinologist appointment, spending more time in the car than in the actual care of my medical team.  The appointment was fine, and my A1c still holds steady in a range I’m comfortable with, and I even brought print outs of my meter results and a list of questions I had, but it felt like a wasted day.  A whole day.  I’m over it.

While I was printing out the meter data, I ended up a little pissed off because I couldn’t find the charger for my ancient PC, which meant I couldn’t boot up that computer, which meant I couldn’t download my Dexcom data.

A pump site completely gave up on me without any warning what so ever, with the tubing disconnecting from the housing cleanly and neatly and quietly, leaving me without insulin for an undetermined amount of time and bringing 6 am crashing in with ketones and the kind of thirst that you find yourself drinking gulps of water from the bathroom faucet without pausing for breath or to consider your canine behavior.

Another pump site came off too early (not even through day two) due to going to the beach and getting sandy and soggy.  A third pump site left one of those scaly rings that aren’t uncomfortable but are a visual reminder of where the device was once resting.

A CGM sensor came fresh out of the unopened packet with the adhesive edging all gaffed up, making the brand-new sensor completely unsticky and essentially unusable.  Yet I still tried to use it out of defiance and conservation, but it wouldn’t stick and was useless within a few minutes.  Waste of a perfectly good sensor.

I pulled another CGM sensor off my body while I was traveling last week, during a low I had while I was sleeping.  I remember reaching down to rub my leg (when I should have been reaching for glucose tabs) and gripped the side of the sensor and pulled it off.  I guess I wanted to stop the beeping, which had been going on for over twenty minutes.  After the low was over and I woke up to start my day, I grabbed a new sensor from my suitcase and stuck it on.  Thankfully, I had a spare with me. I always have a spare something on me.  I prepare for this stuff, and I’m doing all the necessary tasks to properly attempt management of my type 1 diabetes.  My blood sugars are good.  My averages are good.  I should be feeling good.

But at the same time, I’m over it.

And it’s not just the diabetes tech bits that are fueling my fire of frustration.  During the course of the ADA conference, all of the walking contributed to several lows that were nagging and stubborn.  Same for when I was traveling earlier in the month – lows that just cling and make my mouth go numb and my jaw feel unhinged, fogging up the lenses of my synapses.  Not fun, and made for an especially heavy purse, since I needed to carry so many extra glucose tabs while I was on the move.  (That, and I think I brushed my teeth seven times one day to keep from becoming a clearing house for cavities.)

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately:  so over it.  Aside from good lab work results at the doctor’s office, diabetes has been a pain in the ass lately, and I’m tired of its antics.  All the news I’ve received lately isn’t awesome, and I’m dealing with that as best I can.  I’m frustrated by technology.  Tired of the devices.  Enough with the toting around all the nonsense.  Enough with the lows.  Enough with the highs, too.  Eff preparedness.  I just want to leave the house with my car keys, not the contents of my medicine cabinet.  I want to go for a run without bringing tabs or caring what direction the arrows are pointing.  See also:  a momentary “waaaaaah.”

Reading about the bionic pancreas put words to my “meh.”  My brain is never quiet, never still, because of the work that goes into achieving the baseline that people without diabetes take for granted.

It’s not diabetes burnout.  It’s not depression.  It’s not a period of rebellion or particular frustration.  I’m sure I’ll shake off this funk in a few days (a proper night’s sleep wouldn’t hurt).  But I’ve hit a wall in the last few weeks, and it’s everything to do with diabetes.  I’m ready for a day off.  I’d like to wake up in the morning and take care of my family and my work without giving blood sugars and all their assorted bullshit a second thought.

I’m over it.

42 Comments Post a comment
  1. It sounds like you’re just tired and need some good rest, my friend. Hope you can get some!

    06/27/13; 10:50 am
  2. I just want to give you a great big hug!

    We’ve all been there, and I’m sorry you’re going through this right now!

    06/27/13; 10:53 am
  3. Me. Too.

    I was trying to discuss this with my therapist yesterday, and she was not getting it all, bless her heart. It made me miss you and everyone else so hard.

    I was explaining to her about the ups and downs and tubes getting caught on baby feet, and none of it was actual emergency stuff, but I’m over it.

    06/27/13; 10:54 am
    • I’ll rent a car and drive to you at FFL. xo

      06/27/13; 10:58 am
    • jen #

      Hang in there Kerri. Big hugs to you. Sorry you’re going through a funky time right now.

      06/27/13; 11:02 am
  4. Hugs. I hope you get some days soon with less diabetes.

    06/27/13; 10:56 am
  5. Hoping that words of encouragement will help your funk, I am here to give you some. I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum at the moment so I’m very ready with encouragement but I’ve been in those funks more times than I can count. This too shall pass. And I hope for you that is passes soon. But keep up the good work! That counts for so much too 🙂 xoxo Stacey and The Shoes

    06/27/13; 11:07 am
  6. Me too. This past couple of months sucked. My exact conversation with my endo yesterday, “The only difference I see is on paper. I feel like crap. I’m so tired of this!”

    I want to be in the bionic pacreas trial just so that I don’t have to think diabetes for a week!

    06/27/13; 11:10 am
  7. I reached the same place lately, only with weight loss combined with diabetes crap. I was doing sooooo good at watching what I ate, putting everything into MyFitnessPal, exercising, etc, and now I’m just tired of it all. Tired of all the work, tired of having a great day of eating right only to be blown to hell when my sugar crashes and I eat the entire refrigerator. It’s frustrating beyond measure.

    06/27/13; 11:11 am
  8. ria #

    My dear, sweet auntie used to say
    “tie another knot in your rope and hang on tight”
    I’d like to take that same rope somedays and strangle diabetes !

    06/27/13; 11:42 am
  9. The girls are at camp this week and shaking it up there to get a respite… should be some sort of camp for adults. Preferably in Hawaii, on a beach, with sexy male nurses that tote both T1d supplies and towels!

    06/27/13; 11:56 am
    • I would start fundraising for adult camp in Hawaii!

      06/27/13; 7:52 pm
      • Lindsay #

        OMG yes. Hawaii diabetes camp for adult T1s…where is the “register now” button?

        06/28/13; 8:45 am
  10. After 29 years of type 1, all I can say, like I would say to my daughter, type 1 also (7 years).

    “I understand.”

    06/27/13; 12:26 pm
  11. Nina marchese #

    I totally get it. I hope writing it down helped you feel some relief. I know reading it did for me. Thanks as always for sharing. Keep your chin up. You are amazing and your sharing has helped so many others.

    06/27/13; 12:40 pm
  12. Gianna #

    This! I’m totally there right now too! I’m also pregnant, so maybe that’s part of it – it just amplifies every single diabetes failure and frustration – but just wanted to say, yes, i hear you! and I’m really glad you’re writing about it so I know (you know, like, really know) that I’m not the only one. I had the same sort of feelings after reading about the bionic pancreas study too…

    06/27/13; 12:54 pm
  13. Thank you for sharing your frustrations and your OVER IT days! It really is helpful. I’m the mom of a 12 yr old T1 and I need the occasional reminder from someone else to be considerate of how she might be feeling, everything she is dealing with, and that she is not the only one in the world that wants to shout ENOUGH sometimes.

    And thank you for sharing all the day-to-day’s of your life with all of us, it gives the mommy in me hope and happiness to think that someday my little one will be a grown up successfully living a happy life with T1 as just part of who she is.

    06/27/13; 1:48 pm
  14. Lindsay #

    AMEN!!! So well written I may have to quote you. Love this!

    06/27/13; 4:38 pm
  15. andee #

    Amen sister! After I read the piece about the bionic pancreas I went home and sobbed; and I’m not usually a crier. All the minutia crap that takes up all the space in my head. Every day life is a struggle; even when I’m doing pretty good I’m still basically failing in some way – at least that’s how it feels. Here’s hoping my new omnipod will revive my enthusiasm for the fight!

    Thanks for putting words to so many of my feelings.

    06/27/13; 5:27 pm
  16. Michelle #

    Amen, sister. This crap life-support system the pharma industry keeps us on for profit just isn’t cutting it. I’M FED UP!

    06/27/13; 5:48 pm
  17. Diana #

    Amen! Thats exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing your frustrations it really helps me feel less alone.

    06/27/13; 5:51 pm
  18. Debra #

    I hope you will be able to feel how very MUCH you help the rest of us by using your writing skills to voice what we all feel at times. It is so impossible to describe it to someone who doesn’t live with it. That horrible claustrophobic feeling of realizing you can NEVER take a break from it, sometimes not even for a desperately-needed night’s sleep. HUGS to you, and thankyou for still giving to the rest of us when you are personally over it! <3

    06/27/13; 5:51 pm
  19. Courtney #

    About a year ago, while sitting in the audience of an event organized by the Bay Area chapter of the JDRF, I heard some GREAT advice from a fellow type 1er. A few times a year, he gives himself a day when he’s allowed to just wallow in the crapiness that often typifies life with diabetes. He calls off from work, tells his friends that he’s feeling like shit and that they should call him throughout the day to tell him how awesome he is, and then sets himself up in his bed, with a couple of good movies and several pints of ice-cream. He says that, usually, by the end of the second movie (and an undisclosed amount of ice-cream), as well as a couple of calls from friends, he’s generally over the wallowing and feels ready to face another day.

    I LOVE the idea of allowing ourselves to wallow. And I don’t just mean talking about how we’re feeling, but acting it out. I find that denying myself the chance to express the emotions that I’m actually feeling only adds to the stress, rather than releasing it and allowing me to move forward.

    I think he also mentioned running over his meter. I’ve tried it. It feels FANTASTIC! The crunching sound is unbelievably satisfying.

    06/27/13; 5:59 pm
  20. Deb #

    I wish I could say I know what you’re going through! But I can send you a virtual hug and give you a real one in Orlando! Your real-ness is just one of the bazillion reasons why people love the crap outta you!!

    06/27/13; 6:01 pm
  21. Jenny #

    It makes me better to call diabetes TOD. He seems human and he’s an annoying pain in the bum. When he plays up I say, “Oh TOD, you’re such an fk#us@fbd” and it makes me laugh. TOD has been with me 23 of my 31 years. Thanks for your blog xoxoxo

    06/27/13; 6:22 pm
  22. Dr. Jen Dyer #

    Hugs. 🙂

    06/27/13; 6:25 pm
  23. Michele Kennedy #

    Amen sista! I hear you. 32 yrs. of T1D here, and I am so over it. I wish I could just take a day or a week (or what the heck – the rest of my life) off from diabetes! We make it look easy, but it is anything but. The harder we try the harder it actually is, because we walk that fine line between a normal BG and a low. Hang in there, Kerri. Surely your sense of humor will get you through. Also, know that we of the DOC absolutely love reading your posts. {{HUG}}

    06/27/13; 6:51 pm
  24. Ali Williams #

    Thank you. Just discovered your blog a few days ago when searching for some advice for getting pregnant as a PWD and I may be officially obsessed with you after this post. SO true! Big hugs. I used to explain it like that greek mythology character that has to push the rock up the hill over and over again every day. Yup. Sick of it. Always. However, it makes us better right? Thanks for the post. -A

    06/27/13; 7:35 pm
  25. This is such a great post, Kerri! I’m over it, too.

    06/27/13; 8:21 pm
  26. Alexis #

    Kerri, I’m right with you!!! ::HUGS:: I’m coming out of my diabetes funk…I just came back from volunteering at The Harrisburg Youth Diabetes Camp. This was my 10th or 11th year and for some reason I was super emotional all week long. But seeing the kids really helped me shift my focus. THey were happy and mostly healthy throughout the week. It was tough but good!! Thanks for putting words to what only a Type 1 diabetic can relate to!! I appreciate what you do!!

    06/27/13; 10:15 pm
  27. Katie #

    I know exactly what you’re talking about! Totally been there this past year. It’s hard to shake that bad feeling, but one day you wake up and everything goes smoothly and diabetes once again gets masked a little bit more by the rest of life. I’ve read your blog for a while now, and you always inspire me to take better care of myself and hold my head up!! 🙂

    06/27/13; 10:38 pm
  28. Shaun M #

    I love reading your posts, I think we are on the same wavelength.
    I’ve been feeling the same way lately, it just seems like one thing after another.
    Constant lows, highs because of air bubbles or site issues.
    I’ve only had diabetes for 12 years, but I’m ready to be done with it. I realize its not going away anytime soon, so I need to just keep on truckin. Thanks for your post. Glad I’m not alone.

    06/27/13; 11:26 pm
  29. Amy #

    Sending love. Made me cry. I know my boy will be where you are, feel how you do one day … i fear it. And all I know to say is I am so sorry. For what it’s worth, you adult T1ers are amazing. All I know of you is what you write here … YOU are amazing. <3

    06/28/13; 12:08 am
  30. see also: I haven’t worn my dex in over a week. I hear ya lady. I say it’s a-ok to go through a rut every now and then. and THAT is my professional opinion 🙂

    06/28/13; 8:42 am
  31. Deb #

    thank you for sharing your (my) thoughts so eloquently. It really does help to hear someone else going through the same things and still getting up to ‘do another day’. I only hope our feedback helps YOU!

    06/28/13; 9:32 am
  32. Catherine #

    We had a person who was in the artificial pancreas trial at UVA, and he said the same thing that this other writer said about the closed loop system: that he had so much more time to think about something OTHER than diabetes.

    I felt tears of hope for the first time, listening to his story. When I hear about other participants, I still cry those same tears, even though a low of 35 or a high of 350 keeps me dry-eyed.

    When I have bad days, I think of the possibility of the bionic pancreas and just hope.

    06/28/13; 4:01 pm
    • Christine #

      I agree with Catherine (who is my real-life twin – she told me she commented and of course I had to, too). We’ve had TOD for 22 and 23 years, respectively, and we always talk to each other when we hit that moment when all you want to do is cry because your blood glucose has dropped below 40 for the third time in a day…but it is through sharing and yes, complaining, that we feel like we can (kind of sort of) deal with this disease. I read this post and couldn’t help but feel like you had read my mind, Kerri. Until the bionic pancreas- or better, a cure!! – comes out, I guess we have to settle for the drudgery that is the daily diabetes grind and hope that most days are better than “okay.”

      But we can still hope for 2017, and the hopeful release of the bionic pancreas (and in the meantime make that adult diabetes camp in Hawaii happen, of course).

      06/29/13; 1:35 am
  33. Amylia #

    I second that! Thank you for this. Your candor is much appreciated. Jo among us cat relate?!?!

    07/5/13; 11:34 am
  34. Cyndi #

    Thank you for posting this! Sometimes I feel like I am being a whiner or “feeling sorry for myself” but its nice to know that we all just have these days! I love your blog! Thank you for what you do!

    08/2/13; 3:21 pm
  35. david wilson #

    Dear Kerri,

    I met with you in Melbourne, I am the incompetent one who does not twitter, cannot get onto facebook because I keep forgetting things … don’t know how.
    but mercifully there is this little place to write and tell you that I think what you wrote is terrific. Not the way you felt, that was horrible. But the fact that you shared your down moments and doubts along with the good times. It really is balanced and authentic. I just want to say thank you. I am a type 2. I love food. I get depressed. I feel all sorts of negative things. But when I read what you are saying it makes me a little more balanced in between my visits to my psychiatrist. About my diabetes, I really need to take control and model on your behaviour.
    thank you,
    david from melbourne

    12/9/13; 7:42 pm

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