It was sitting in traffic on the way to Boston for an endocrinologist appointment, spending more time in the car than in the actual care of my medical team. The appointment was fine, and my A1c still holds steady in a range I’m comfortable with, and I even brought print outs of my meter results and a list of questions I had, but it felt like a wasted day. A whole day. I’m over it.
While I was printing out the meter data, I ended up a little pissed off because I couldn’t find the charger for my ancient PC, which meant I couldn’t boot up that computer, which meant I couldn’t download my Dexcom data.
A pump site completely gave up on me without any warning what so ever, with the tubing disconnecting from the housing cleanly and neatly and quietly, leaving me without insulin for an undetermined amount of time and bringing 6 am crashing in with ketones and the kind of thirst that you find yourself drinking gulps of water from the bathroom faucet without pausing for breath or to consider your canine behavior.
Another pump site came off too early (not even through day two) due to going to the beach and getting sandy and soggy. A third pump site left one of those scaly rings that aren’t uncomfortable but are a visual reminder of where the device was once resting.
A CGM sensor came fresh out of the unopened packet with the adhesive edging all gaffed up, making the brand-new sensor completely unsticky and essentially unusable. Yet I still tried to use it out of defiance and conservation, but it wouldn’t stick and was useless within a few minutes. Waste of a perfectly good sensor.
I pulled another CGM sensor off my body while I was traveling last week, during a low I had while I was sleeping. I remember reaching down to rub my leg (when I should have been reaching for glucose tabs) and gripped the side of the sensor and pulled it off. I guess I wanted to stop the beeping, which had been going on for over twenty minutes. After the low was over and I woke up to start my day, I grabbed a new sensor from my suitcase and stuck it on. Thankfully, I had a spare with me. I always have a spare something on me. I prepare for this stuff, and I’m doing all the necessary tasks to properly attempt management of my type 1 diabetes. My blood sugars are good. My averages are good. I should be feeling good.
But at the same time, I’m over it.
And it’s not just the diabetes tech bits that are fueling my fire of frustration. During the course of the ADA conference, all of the walking contributed to several lows that were nagging and stubborn. Same for when I was traveling earlier in the month – lows that just cling and make my mouth go numb and my jaw feel unhinged, fogging up the lenses of my synapses. Not fun, and made for an especially heavy purse, since I needed to carry so many extra glucose tabs while I was on the move. (That, and I think I brushed my teeth seven times one day to keep from becoming a clearing house for cavities.)
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately: so over it. Aside from good lab work results at the doctor’s office, diabetes has been a pain in the ass lately, and I’m tired of its antics. All the news I’ve received lately isn’t awesome, and I’m dealing with that as best I can. I’m frustrated by technology. Tired of the devices. Enough with the toting around all the nonsense. Enough with the lows. Enough with the highs, too. Eff preparedness. I just want to leave the house with my car keys, not the contents of my medicine cabinet. I want to go for a run without bringing tabs or caring what direction the arrows are pointing. See also: a momentary “waaaaaah.”
Reading about the bionic pancreas put words to my “meh.” My brain is never quiet, never still, because of the work that goes into achieving the baseline that people without diabetes take for granted.
It’s not diabetes burnout. It’s not depression. It’s not a period of rebellion or particular frustration. I’m sure I’ll shake off this funk in a few days (a proper night’s sleep wouldn’t hurt). But I’ve hit a wall in the last few weeks, and it’s everything to do with diabetes. I’m ready for a day off. I’d like to wake up in the morning and take care of my family and my work without giving blood sugars and all their assorted bullshit a second thought.
I’m over it.