When Chris and I first started dating, I had him fooled. Because I was able to maneuver in high heels and I hadn’t yet fallen in front of him (just for him … aww?), he didn’t have any reason to think I was a clumsy fool. But I remember the moment, after we had been dating for a few months and I had just fumbled my keys four times while trying to unlock the car, when he said, “Baby, I believe you now. Maybe you aren’t graceful?”
Grace isn’t my middle name. (My middle name is Morrone. Maiden name for the win!) Graceful isn’t ever a word anyone who knows me would use to describe me. And this last week has proven precisely why.
In the last seven days, I have become Destructo Kerri. To recap:
- I somehow ruined my phone’s ability to send emails, and then smashed the replacement phone very thoroughly against the kitchen floor. Now I can answer phone calls, but can’t end them. Makes for creative conference calling.
- I ruined two different gel cases for my Dexcom receiver; one destroyed with the help of BSparl, who thought Dexcom receivers were for teething, and the other case got caught on my engagement ring and tore. (Diamonds might be a girl’s best friend, but they are a gel case’s worst enemy.)
- I accidentally smashed my backup One Touch Mini meter when it got caught in the bathroom closet door. Little shards of hot pink plastic are everywhere now. And the meter is obliterated.
- I cut my thumb when trying to take the skin off a mango and didn’t realize it until the fruit was red with blood. At that point, I was totally grossed out at the zombie mango that I had to throw it out.
- I’d like to think it’s not my fault that the FedEx truck backed into (a non-essential, but still needs to be fixed) part of my house, but I bet my klutziness influenced the event, somehow. I mean, when you’re brushing your teeth and you hear this massive BANG! and the whole house shimmies, that’s not a good sign.
- My pump almost ended up dragged down 95 South when I left an appointment. Thankfully, I noticed that the pump wasn’t in my pocket when I went to put the car in reverse. And also thankfully, the tubing didn’t sever when I slammed it in the door. (Pumps are durable little suckers!)
- I accidentally tested the lower pad of my finger (where the second knuckle is, instead of your standard “finger tip”) when I sneezed while deploying the lancet. Seriously – who does that?
- And I came pretty darn close to dropping the baby monitor into the garden watering can. Don’t even ask – I can’t pretend to know how I did that, either.
Being clumsy is dangerous. And expensive (read: replacing yet another cell phone). And awkward as eff. At the suggestion of Briley, I’m planning to wrap myself in bubble wrap and hide out until the weekend.