Daddy and I are at the halfway point in our journey to meeting you, and I’ll admit – I’m a little surprised at how quickly this is happening. I feel like I was just in Spain, hoping you were there with us, and then just at Joslin, wondering if they were going to tell us you were indeed hidden inside of me.
Baby, we know you are a little girl, and that every week, different parts of you progress in their development. Daddy and I read through those books we bought and marvel at what’s actually happening inside, when my outside just looks bulgy. “She can hear us now!” “She’ll start kicking any day.” “Will we catch her sucking her thumb in the next ultrasound?” “Does she realize I don’t know the lyrics to ANY songs, not even Christmas ones?”
And I’ve felt pretty healthy, Baby. I am about 13 lbs heavier and wearing maternity clothes now (you’ll see them when you’re born – the crazy pants with the elastic waist bands that everyone was jealous of at Thanksgiving?), but a lot of the “pregnancy woes” aren’t part of our lives yet. Like heartburn. And stretch marks (yet). Just some back pain and I feel pretty tired a lot of the time. Heating pads and naps work wonders these days.
But Baby, I get very nervous about things that other people don’t know about. The stuff that isn’t mentioned on the “What to Expect” websites. We visit the doctor every two weeks, and I’m being followed very closely by my medical team, but sometimes my mind gets panicked about how capable my body is of taking the best care of you. I can’t lie – I know that diabetic women have healthy babies all the time, but Baby, when my blood sugars ring in at 200 mg/dl after a meal, no matter how carefully I’ve counted carbs and bolused insulin, I’m terrified that I’m hurting you. Or this morning, when I woke up at 135 mg/dl at 7 am, I felt a pit in my stomach because I know that it’s best for me to be under 100 mg/dl first thing. I wonder, when the infusion set really stung yesterday morning upon inserting it, do you feel that pain? Is it normal to worry about every little thing when it comes to your well-being?
Of course it is, moms and dads who have done this before will tell me. It’s completely normal for me to want the very best for you and to hope and pray for your good health and safety. And it’s also completely normal for me to worry about every little thing. But what I worry most about are the things I am scared to talk about. The things like blood sugars and hypertension and diabetes-related complications for you and I alike, that other people in my life think I have figured out but I just don’t know how to do it right every day. And the idea of doing it “wrong” makes my breath catch in my throat. My numbers seem “good enough” and my A1C is lower than it’s ever been, but those 200’s that are creeping back in at at times terrify me. So does the 31 mg/dl in the middle of the night. And so does every single thing that threatens to affect you in any way. Will I keep you safe enough?
Diabetes is the shifting sand I’m trying to build my life on, and I can handle my being affected, but I don’t want it to touch you. Not even for a moment.
I love you endlessly, Baby. I’m so grateful to even be this far, and I appreciate every moment I have with you, and will have with you in the future. Don’t worry, Baby. I’m not spending every minute of our pregnancy in a panic. It’s just sometimes I feel so scared that I’m not able to provide to you everything that you deserve. I’m very protective of you already, and I want to be a good mom to you. When I feel you kicking around inside of me, I know you are exactly what I’ve always wanted. You are a new life that your father and I created together, and I hope that I can give to you even an ounce of the joy you’ve already given to me in the last five months.
I can’t wait to meet you, and hold you, and know that you’re okay.