I read Teks’ post tonight and felt very overwhelmed. Maybe that’s the theme of the O.C. of late.

It’s been a difficult 24 hours out here in Rhode Island, medically speaking. I’ve been sporting moderate ketones for the better part of a day now. Changed the infusion set twice. Injected via syringe once. Haven’t eaten much due to fear of high bloodsugars. Actually called out of work today because of the ketone issue and my need to be focused and constantly hydrated.

Feeling exhausted.

Wondering how many times I can test for ketones over the course of a day and still be surprised at the dark pink appearance on the urinalysis strip. Wondering if it was being disconnected from the pump while I was at the gym yesterday that did it. Wondering if it was the combination of a potentially kinked pump cannula and a maybe partially spoiled bottle of insulin that started this chaos. Wondering if I can afford wasting all these test strips, infusion sets, insulin units, and days off from work. Wondering if I will always be working for medical insurance instead of for the love of the job. Wondering if writing this book will bring me peace or make me sad. Wondering how much patience we are allowed per day, and if I’ve just now reached my cap.

At one point this morning, I was at a bloodsugar of 52 mg/dl and sporting small ketones. Too much insulin after that Rage Bolus, not enough hydration to have flushed out the ketones. Strange feeling, that one, to be dizzy and shaky from the lack of sugar but aching and lethargic from its excess.

My body must be confused. I know I am.

Tomorrow is another try at this. So is the day after. And the day after that.