I can’t always write about diabetes. Not lately.
Sometimes I feel like it’s too much on the forefront. I know the initiating purpose of this blog was to create an open forum for diabetes discussions and I feel that has been achieved. Between my blog and the talented company I find myself in, there are definitive forums for diabetics and their loved ones to come together and share. Or vent. Or just be reminded that they’re not alone. I find a lot of comfort in that. Not being alone.
I can’t always be Diabetic Kerri, though. I will test my blood sugar every day and be the Bolus Champion of the World but I don’t sit around thinking of myself as diabetic. It’s strange – so much of my life revolves around this endocrine core. I write about it. I talk about it. It is integrated into my daily routine. My friends and family are acutely aware of it. Even my cat seems to know when I’m dropping and wakes me up with her cold nose.
Lately, I have been thinking of nothing but numbers. Rising and falling blood sugar levels. Blood pressure numbers. Insulin to carbohydrate ratios. Fine tuning an aggressive exercise regimen. What’s my weight? What’s my A1c? What will my fasting sugar be in the morning? What is my cholesterol? How is my microalbumin level? What are the numbers? The numbers??? I was an English major in college, purely for the fact that I can’t add. Or multiply with any semblance of ease. And I think I may be slightly OCD. So dealing with all these numbers is making me crazy.
But I don’t want to think about it all the time. This is a venue for honesty, and I have to be honest: I am feeling overwhelmed lately. I have never felt sick before. No sicker than anyone else I knew, anyway. This whole bit with the cotton wool spot and my doctor’s recent allusion to a possible high blood pressure problem … my Brain and my Heart are having decisive battles over this information. Brain wants to find out more. Run more tests. Exercise and eat right and make diabetes my sole focus. Brain is frightened that Body will give out. And my Heart harbors the same fear, but a larger fear looms in the distance. I am afraid that, with my obsession with food, exercise, and all things mg/dl, I may miss out on the best parts of my life. What’s the point of all these neuroses if I forget to enjoy the life I’m working so hard to preserve? I need to have some fun.
I need to relax a little bit. I’m going to the beach this weekend. Napatree Point Beach is a twenty minute drive from my apartment and I’m there for the weekend. I am going to bring my friend Batman and my book and my new bikini. My pump site will make for an interesting tan line on my thigh, but other than that, I just want to take the weekend and mellow out. It’s been kind of a stressful last two weeks. I need to chill.
I’m trying to give more of myself than my numbers. I want to make it known that diabetes is just one facet of my life. Of who I am. So this explains the Top Five Game. (You guys were all fantastic players!) Even though I mentioned diabetes in that post, too. And I’m true to form on this post too, because even though I expressed my desire to write about something other than diabetes, this whole rant was endo-based. I don’t know how to separate myself from my disease.
Maybe that’s the point.
Coming Soon: A Post that will have NOTHING to do with Diabetes?