From Abby: Relationship Problems.
I'm still in Philly, but thankfully Abby is on the ball. Unfortunately, she's dealing with a little bit of diabetes burnout overload, but she's not alone. (As I just consumed about fifteen glucose tabs this morning, and now I hate everything orange and chalky.)
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You know that saying "ignorance is bliss?"
I totally get that, in a big,fat pancreatically-challanged way.
I get it in a "I'm pretty sure the first ten years I had diabetes I was in burnout" sort of way.
I get it in a "I used to be stoked with an A1C of 8.0 and now I freak out if my blood glucose is over 300 mg/dL" way.
I feel as though the more I talk/think/learn/do about the way I handle my own diabetes, the more freaked out and resenting I feel toward it. And I have no idea what to do with this feeling. I love learning about diabetes, I love talking to people about it, and helping my friends when they are stuck with a diabetes problem. I love helping little kids get through a life roadblock and fitting diabetes into it. I love talking to freaked out parents of tiny type 1s and reassuring them that their kids are going to be totally fine.
I don't love, however, explaining why I'd rather not have a beer while hanging out because I've had a wicked blood sugar roller-coaster day. Or why I order food at restaurants that I don't completely mouth-water for sometimes because I opt for the easier to carb count meals.
I resent diabetes in my life, for now. The past few years I have basically surrounded myself with diabetes things in my life, between becoming involved with the DOC, accepting the job as Charge Nurse at CBC, and working extremely hard to keep my A1C under 7%, I have realized that I freeking hate diabetes.
In like a "now I have to face it and take control and stop avoiding it" way.
My relationship with this stupid disease needs marriage counseling... does this happen to everyone?
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What resonates for me in this post is that whole "loving being part of the DOC but having some friction with how I feel about diabetes" mentality. I can't imagine life without the online community, and I know my health benefits as a direct result of being part of this community, but sometimes it's hard to keep my head in the game. (Especially since my pancreas has decided to enter full-on couch potato mode.) How do we, as a community, stay involved with one another and still manage that burnout?