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From Abby: Relationship Problems.

I'm still in Philly, but thankfully Abby is on the ball.  Unfortunately, she's dealing with a little bit of diabetes burnout overload, but she's not alone.  (As I just consumed about fifteen glucose tabs this morning, and now I hate everything orange and chalky.)

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You know that saying "ignorance is bliss?"

I totally get that, in a big,fat pancreatically-challanged way.

I get it in a "I'm pretty sure the first ten years I had diabetes I was in burnout" sort of way.

I get it in a "I used to be stoked with an A1C of 8.0 and now I freak out if my blood glucose is over 300 mg/dL" way.

I feel as though the more I talk/think/learn/do about the way I handle my own diabetes, the more freaked out and resenting I feel toward it.  And I have no idea what to do with this feeling.  I love learning about diabetes, I love talking to people about it, and helping my friends when they are stuck with a diabetes problem.  I love helping little kids get through a life roadblock and fitting diabetes into it. I love talking to freaked out parents of tiny type 1s and reassuring them that their kids are going to be totally fine.

I don't love, however, explaining why I'd rather not have a beer while hanging out because I've had a wicked blood sugar roller-coaster day. Or why I order food at restaurants that I don't completely mouth-water for sometimes because I opt for the easier to carb count meals.

I resent diabetes in my life, for now.  The past few years I have basically surrounded myself with diabetes things in my life, between becoming involved with the DOC, accepting the job as Charge Nurse at CBC, and working extremely hard to keep my A1C under 7%, I have realized that I freeking hate diabetes.

In like a "now I have to face it and take control and stop avoiding it" way.

My relationship with this stupid disease needs marriage counseling... does this happen to everyone?

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We all need a little hope sometimes.

What resonates for me in this post is that whole "loving being part of the DOC but having some friction with how I feel about diabetes" mentality.  I can't imagine life without the online community, and I know my health benefits as a direct result of being part of this community, but sometimes it's hard to keep my head in the game.  (Especially since my pancreas has decided to enter full-on couch potato mode.)
  How do we, as a community, stay involved with one another and still manage that burnout?

Comments

I can relate to your post. I was 11 when diagnosed and managed it. However, after college I got really sick of diabetes being a part of my life. I had to come to terms with it and find peace with it. That took a while. I think it may always be a work in progress for me.

From my dsma blog carnival post....
"If I didn’t laugh and point at my Misbehaving pancreas, I would probably have sold it for a bag of magic beans by now."
I sure do feel your diabetes pain

Abby,
I definitely feel your pain on this one. I am crazy finatical about my A1c. I have been in the 5s for the last few years and one nurse told me I had a reading of 6.5 and I should be very happy with that. I was so upset I started to cry. I find myself getting mad at this crazy life companion for messing with my brain and my confidence at times. I also bounce back and forth from freaking out about readings over 150 to just not caring anymore and this can be 2 consecutive days. How is it that one little malfunction in our bodies is at the root of all this? You and Kerri are some of what helps me get through each rough patch as they come. If you two share successes it reminds me I can do it too. When you share struggles it reminds me that I am not alone. The two of you have a way of making me laugh through the anger, tears and joy. Without the online community I don't think I would be able to face this challenge every day like yesterday didn't exist.
I wish you the best on your struggle.

I also connected to this post. Some days it's easy to forget about diabetes and just have it be a part of life. Other days it hijacks life and makes it miserable and no matter how much you negotiate with it you just can't win. It's totally okay to tell diabetes you hate it, to vent, and to whine. It won't listen but you'll feel better...and this moment will pass!

This post is totally like a dart zeroing in on my D-heart, and it hit the bullesye. Completely on this page, and it's a question I am often asking myself these days. The DOC seems to keep me accountable to myself on my own D-care, and that's almost a side benefit of being involved and connecting with others where I hear their stories and share in friendship. Finding that balance is so incredibly important and lately I've been so stressed and unconnected, that my D-Management is also out of whack. It's time to get re-connected and interested in my D again... hope we can both get past our burnout and get to where we need and want to be. Good luck, Abby!

Amen!! This is my life. The more I work at it, the more I hate it. :/ Gah!!

Oh sweet Abby how I feel your purple pain. We survive somehow. Every day is different for each one of us who have T1 and some days are so much worse than others, it's true. I am living "courageously", as Joslin Diabetes Center says, for almost 43 years next month and it STILL grabs me by my heartstrings each and every day. The good news is that when I really resent this dreadful disease, I opt to give it to the devil and that is the only thing that makes me feel better! I am thankful each day I am alive to experience this wonderful life and all of God's blessings. Especially my wonderful, loving husband of 24 years and our 16 year old daughter. Now they are worth fighting every day for...I know you know what I mean. Just sharing. Your post was very touching, honest, and true and I thank you for sharing with all of us. We all can connect with you Abby. Peace and joy to you always!

Wow, this made me cry. I'm not even that far into this disease and I'm feeling burned out. I have trouble choosing where or what to eat, because I'm tired of counting all the carbs and trying to fit the right amount of protein in. And I'm tired of walking by the front counter where they are selling the miniature candy bars and having to tell myself that it's just not worth it. And sometimes I just would like to go back to not having to think about it. So thank you for making me feel not so alone in this.

Yes, I need a marriage counselor because my relationship with diabetes is a rollercoaster! Thanks for posting about your emotional rollercoast with T1D; it helps me remember that I'm not the only one feeling this way. And thanks to your post I decided to check my blood sugar after a bad morning that left me feeling like I was ready to throw in the towel.

YES YES YES.

I think it is especially hard if you are in the medical field-- I am in medical school, and I LOVE being able to use that to make a difference in the lives of PWD... but then it is still hard to go home and make a difference in my own diabetes. Sometimes it is just too much of a pain in the ass to deal with everyone else's diabetes and my own. I also have spent many summers working at diabetes camps... and while it would make more logical sense that while I'm at camp I have some of the best management ever, that is never the case. I get TIRED of diabetes--- especially when I am thinking about it more often because I am thinking about it with respect to others. Hopefully I can improve this, because I'd like to be a ped endo. I think the thing to remember is this: Diabetes is pretty crappy, even though it can direct our lives to some pretty awesome places. Just because we appreciate that does not mean we have to appreciate diabetes itself.

I've been diabetic for 19 years now and it was during college that i hit burnout,this post totally says everything I feel about my ilness, totally don't feel so alone now. Thank you so much.

Hugs to you, Abby.

Abby, you just described how I feel right now. I'm in one of those moods where, as ironic as it seems, the only solution to my problem is eating a big ol' milkshake and wearing sweat pants. Not even the thought of getting a brand new, shiny insulin pump (diabetechy joy!) tomorrow can get me out of this funk.

My day started with an early-morning trip to the diabetes doc, in which I got stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, forgot the form the state makes my endo sign saying I'm allowed to drive, missed my exit, and finally arrived 20 minutes late to my 30-minute appointment. Then I found out that my A1c had spiked to 7.5, I had to have my blood drawn (which is always an awful process for me and the poor phlebotomist who has to find a vein), that this entire process would take much longer than planned, and I would be extremely late to work.

Needless to say, diabetes sucks and the only way to cope is to vent to the DOC (which I'm apparently doing right now). Hang in there, because as heartless as it sounds, I've decided it's my (our) only choice!

Oh, yeah. I love the DOC, educating and learning about diabetes. But being sourrounded by the disease 24/7 sometimes gets just too much. If it was just possible to take a break!
(My way of taking a break is reducing everything D-related to a minimum: no logging, not even reading D-blogs, visiting tuD etc. I know it sounds hard, but it gives my heart space to breath non-D-related air and to escape the always spinning D-thoughts.)

Anyways: I hope you're feeling better soon. You're not alone in this. All the best across the big pond!

I am sick of diabetes too, but not enough to get sick over it.

Abby:

I ditto your feelings. I have had T1 for over 25 years and have been rollercoasting for the past 25 years! It never goes away, that OMG feeling, why can't I be normal. And you never can remember that OMG feeling when you have a great A1C. They are so few and far between. Thanks for putting into words what we are all feeling!

Hi!Dearest Abby, I've been reading your blog ever since I got diabetes type 1 at 23, 2 years ago. I've also been hating my diabetes. A lot. But today, actually, I thought about the 23 diabetesfree years I had. And I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Life is exactly the same! It took a couple of months or so to get used to everything, but life is the same. I'm as happy with diabetes as I was without it. I know you don't remember much from life without diabetes. But I hope that you don't think diabetes has made your life less great. We are magically adaptable creatures, we humans. AND WE CAN DO IT! Lots of love from norway :)

I completely relate to this. I have recently had a downward spiral with my diabetes as well as my other diseases combined. I did not express it the same way, with the same words, but you spoke from my heart. Strangely relieving to know we are not alone, even in the darkness. I am certainly getting addicted to your site, but appreciate every minute of it. Thank you
antibodyninjagirl.com

I love what Bergit said... i was not diagnosed until age 24, 12 years ago. the last decade has been the best of my life. I wish i didn't have diabetes, but on the other hand, there are so many other challenges people face. it's all about how we cope. i think part of that is being understanding with ourselves, and accepting that some days we won't do our best.... adaptation is an ongoing process when it comes to chronic disease and we will have times we grieve this disease all over again. so we have to fight for better diabetes care, increase public understanding, take care of ourselves... a tall order but the most worthwhile things in life are not usually easy! hugs abby! Michelle

Abby & All,
I too feel this pain, just about every day. Some days are worse than others... like days when you wake up in the morning to a blaring Animas warning of "20 units or less" and the "oh shoot" thought of "I forgot that I have to change my site today so now I have to work it into my morning routine and now as I am frantically trying to change my site I just spilled insulin all over my clothes and I missed the bus to class and this new site I just put in is killing me but I have to step out into the world and at least pretend like I don't want to scream or cry or both.. Awesome". And although diabetes has completely ruined plenty of my mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights I have to remind myself all the time that I am not alone. Reading this post and all of these comments are a great reminder to my eternally "comatose" pancreas and to my heart that we are not alone in our struggles and our burnouts.
My all time favorite reaction that I get from people when they first find out that I have T1D is "Oh my god, I could NEVER do that, I could never prick my finger and do all of that"... To their shocked proclamations I always give the same response...
"Well you really wouldn't have a choice, if you wanted to live you would do it."
So we have to keep fighting the fight and keep our fires glowing brightly even through what can sometimes seem like daily burnouts of managing this disease.

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