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What I Want Her To Know.

After a tough low this morning: 

I love my daughter, too.

I want her to know that she was wanted so much, well before she arrived, and that her parents went to great lengths to make sure her arrival was as safe as they could manage.

I want her to know that those moments when she has to wait while I test or while I bolus or the times when I have to set her in her crib and gulp down grape juice while she stands there, her big, brown eyes staring at me while her mouth tugs into an impatient smile, that I love her and I just need to deal with diabetes for a few seconds so I can be the best mommy I can.

I want her to know that if my eyes don't get better, it's not her fault.  It's not my fault, either.  The fault lies with diabetes.

I want her to know that the reason I'll sometimes frown at a soggy diaper or a voracious pull from the bottle isn't because she's being "bad" or doing something wrong, but because I'm worrying.

I want her to know that just because I have it, and because some of her best buddies have it, doesn't mean that she will have it.  But I also want her to know that if a diagnosis of any kind ever touches her life, we'll manage just fine and take the best care of one another that we can.

I want her to know that when she smiles at me, it's like a thousand online communities inspiring me all at once.  That the hope of her was once the biggest incentive to improve my health, only to be superseded by her arrival in my arms.

I want her to know that regardless of what she may hear about this "diabetes," her mama is going to be just fine. 

Just fine.

Comments

I love this plain & simple. Lucky lady you have there, Miss Kerri.

Thanks for making me cry!

She's so lucky that she'll be able to see this someday. And to have you.

Have a good weekend!

You are such an awesome mama. And she is such a lucky (and adorable) little girl!

I love this. You are such an inspiration to those of who have been told by medical professionals at some point or another that being diabetic and having a healthy pregnancy and baby would be impossible. Thank you for making me believe that this dream of mine can come true, and for giving me the motivation to keep doing everything possible to make myself healthy. You rock.

Not only are you an awesome mom, but you give fellow T1's confidence to know we can all do this! thank you!!

She does know and she will always know.

Wonder if it's in the air? I had a horrible night too. So scary, but we do our best and thank God we have people who make the efforts and struggle worth it and more manageable. Best to y'all!

This is just what I needed to read...and now I'm in tears!
Working on lowering my A1c so I get the green light for pregnancy.
A million worries have been going through my mind this last week.
Glad to see you did it and are continuing to do it well!

Hi. I'm officially de-lurking myself. I don't have diabetes, but I have a condition called reactive hypoglycemia, which means that I'm low a LOT. But this post made me de-lurk myself because it makes me happy that my T1 friend who's recently married will not let anything stop her from being a mommy-and I can show her this post for proof that it's possible!

Kerri- Did you make this or purchase it from somewhere? I love it! Too cute- and your sentiment behind it left me teary-eyed as well.

Kerri - you make me cry! I love reading your blog. It is so inspirational. I am 7 months pregnant and have had T1 for 11+ years. Thank you so much for writing of your experiences of being T1 and pregnant. It's a lot more involved than my sister's pregnancies! But, I love to hear well your little bird is doing. It gives me hope! Thanks again!

Man, I think your post was slightly more positive than mine this morning. Love to you and yours Kerri.

Kerri you re a great gal:)

Kerri I just want you to know I love your blog and thanks for sharing!!

I want her to know that you wrote this post. Make sure you show it to her when she's older and is mad at you for whatever reason. :-)

Remind me NEVER to read your blog while at work. No one believes I have dust in my eyes!!

I live in constant fear that my son will get type 1, like I have. I hope he's able to forgive me if it happens. And I hope I'm able to forgive myself if it happens.

Thank you for letting me know that it's going to be okay. I needed that today.

She will know.

Absolutly beautiful post, Kerri.

She does know... and she will continue to know. And NOTHING will ever make you less than perfect in her eyes.

Kerri,

Your post today made me smile. I know an odd reaction, but I connected to it because I viewed it from your daughter’s point of view. I am the daughter (one of 3) of a mom with type 1 (diagnosed in the late 60s), and I also am the mom of a type 1. Growing up with a mom in the dark ages of diabetes, who is as stubborn as they come, who also had diabetes didn’t feel any different, at least not in my mind. To me it was natural to have my mom eat two packs of peanut M&Ms while grocery shopping and not share any. It was natural to have insulin in the fridge and a diabetes diet hanging on the fridge that never got used. Needles and the smell of insulin and the sound of the vial clinking against her wedding ring as she rolled it between her hands was just a part of my mom. It didn’t define her, still doesn’t, but it was just a part of our family. In many ways it never stood out, it just was there. I have many memories regarding diabetes, but they are few. Some did make a lasting impression and haunt me to this day, especially as a mother of a child with diabetes. However, I feel I am a much better mother today because of my mom’s diabetes, especially now with my child with diabetes. I know my mother worried over her three children, especially wondering if they would ever develop diabetes. There were pee tests, and after 1980 or so there were the occasional finger stick and for me a fasting hospital stay. I don’t blame her for my child’s diabetes and as far as I know, she doesn’t blame herself. It is what it is and we can’t change it, just have to deal with it. The complications my mother has experienced are just a rotten part of her life, and we do our best as a family to get through them and rise above them. My mom and I have our differences in how we handle diabetes, mom is still very old school and doesn’t want to learn as she believes what she is doing works and she is living life, and I’m pro learning new things and trying new technologies to help my daughter deal with this disease. BUT Mom having diabetes is what prompted me to get my daughter checked, and has helped in so many ways I can’t even begin to count, even though our approach to the disease is totally different in many ways. I just wanted to let you know that you will be and ARE a great mom, no matter what diabetes brings your way. And that diabetes will just be a part of her life, and she will thrive just fine. Just like me.

Thank you for writing what other people are sure to think, but are unable to put into words and for all you do for the DOC.
Jessica
Daughter of a type 1
Mom to a 9 year old daughter with type 1 for 3 & ½ years

After a week of super soggy diapers and crazy bottle drinking you have - once again - posted just the right thing to make me feel not soo alone in this world.

I am almost paralyzed by the fear of "will this affect him too?" ~ and holding back from testing him just to make sure ... There are no signs, but I guess being a diabetic mommy makes one more in-tune and wary of the big "IF" that's lurking. I pray daily that we'll never have to face that and that this is JUST mommy's disease - the one thing that I don't want to share with my son (or anyone else for that matter).

So, thank you Kerri for your inspiring posts that seem to keep me going and helping me see that everything is going to be just fine. Thank you so very much!

I LOVE this post! As a new mommy myself, this really hit home!! (And I had my first Mommy/diabetic moment today - my Omnipod PDM got "stolen" out of my diaper bag by a toddler at a playgroup - it took a LOT of work to track that thing down across town hours later while I was freaking out! I think it was one of just many "firsts" related to mommyhood and diabetes...)

**SNIFF SNIFF**

I loved reading this. I am the mother of two (3 years and 1 year) and have had T1 for 11 years. I hate saying just a second I am checking my blood. I also live in fear that I will miss something and have a bad low and as a result will hurt one of them in some way. But thank you for the post and all of your posts.

I really love this. You have, and are, a lucky girl.

It's not easy, being the diabetic mommy. But you are handling this new chapter in your life with the grace and humor I expected you would. So bravo. And I'm looking forward to seeing pictures from her first birthday partay!!!!!

Used up my last roll of tissue...thanks for the heart felt post.

I want my baby girl to know all the same things. It's funny how mothers with T1 can have all the same worries and guilts. Thanks for describing this so well.

~Layne

Wow what an amazing post!

I am sobbing. Thanks Kerri. I feel the exact same emotions and I am 100% guilty of taking my 3 year olds blood sugar the other morning (as she cried "I don't NEED my blood sugar!", yeah well I wish I didn't either kid but I have no choice), anywhoo, because she had a tummy ache for three days and had asked for more water than normal. I am TERRIFIED that she will develop this disease, as I am her terrified her litle sister will too, so I will check her as I see her fit. Either way I'm a lunatic. :)

I feel the same way.

My girls came to me through adoption so they don't have a risk of getting my type I. BUT, they do have a risk of type I (just like any kid) and a high risk of getting type 2 because they are African American. That scares me. Diabetes sucks! I do not wish it upon anyone.

This post is just one of the reasons I love you and I keep coming back her, K. Beautiful. Sending you a lot of love. xo

Probably one of the most challenging events that a person with diabetes faces is having a healthy baby. What a beautiful testimony. Thanks for sharing!

Kerri,
You are such an amazing mother and such an inspiration to us all. Such a powerful post and one that resonates with so many of us. As the wife of a Type 1 who told me that diabetes was his greatest strength, I can only reassure you that it is my Type 1 daughter's greatest strength as well. You all amaze me.
Tamara

Dear Kerri,

You wrote exactly what I have wanted to express to my own three boys. Thank you for writing what so many of us are feeling.

s.

I am just so glad I found your blog, thank you times a million for writing this.

Awesome. Made my eyes wet. Thanks for the inspiration.

I remember thinking just these things when my littlest one was so young. I was GD who had the luck to keep the diabetes and watch it grow worse and worse. With every stick, every finger poke, every labored breath when its high, I think about how I would do it a million times over to see that healthy little face.. nothing, not even my worst diabetic day would make me even think to consider what if she hadn't come into our lives.

Now that my kids are older, in school, they are so used to momma and the needles, the insulin in teh fridge, testing 8 times a day. Some days it seems unfair that they should have to know how to recognize the signs of trouble, that they should know how to give a shot of insulin or check my sugar when they are in gradeschool. But I am blessed.. kids are so resiliant, and they get excited about helping give me my meds, to the point we had to set up a chart on whose turn it is. They are my heroes, keeping me going..

Thank you for your post.. it truley inspires!

OMG - your picture teared my eyes even before reading the article. I am the mom of a type 1, who is now 20 1/2, been diabetic since 14 months....I have occasionally wondered what her life as a mom can be - and you summed it up perfectly. Keep up the fight - and god willing your baby does not develop the disease

Awww Kerri - you bring back memories of when I was expecting #2 and coming back from a low---my 3 yr old Amanda with a empty juice glass and sugar bowl, crying "mommy - mommy wake up". Silly happy memories of the stickiness from that day remain for both of us. That same 3 yr old is now expecting her 3rd child, and to this day I worry about all my offspring. We all survive, one day at a time, with diabetes being just another part of parenting (and grandparenting). These days, all my grandkids get a sweet treat (glucose tab) only when I open mine up for a low... they know its time to sit and snack with grandma! Keep growing those happy memories with your little one(s).

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