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Postsecret.


I scrolled through this Sunday's PostSecret and this postcard submission jumped out at me because I saw diabetes written in invisible ink underneath that frosting.  (Also, the photo permalink URL included "onbackdiabetestype1forever," so that was a bit of a hint.)  And I realized, thankfully, that I don't hold any secrets about diabetes, because I've had the good fortune of this community to help me feel supported and empowered enough to deal with all my diabetes demons openly and unabashedly. 

I've had a few ideas for a non-diabetes related PostSecret postcard in my head for a few years now, and I took these pink cookies as a sign that 2011 is as good a time as any to let some things go.  PostSecret is kind of like Pandora's box, only the secrets that are released come from inside of you.  Like blogging, it's a unique kind of free therapy, and who can't use that every now and again?

Thanks for the inspiration, diabetes postcard writer. 

What would be on your PostSecret submission?  Feeling brave?  Leave an anonymous comment here, if you want.  Or submit your own PostSecret to Frank (does he have a last name, or is he like Cher?). 

Comments

One of the things I've done with my blog is to discuss some things that I've felt shame about but, objectively speaking, amount to no more than harmless quirks of personality. I've found it very helpful.

the "big D" sucks!!! Sometimes I'd like to say screw it and spend the day in a giant bathtub filled with chocolate and eat powdered sugar from the bag with my hands. I'm so frustrated with this darn disease. . . I'd like to scream how it isn't fair. . .I don't deserve this. . .Why can't I just be normal like everybody else. . .instead, I'll just slap on the brave smile, be thankful it's diabetes and not cancer and try to remind myself nobody's normal. . .

I feel that despite my best efforts, I will still end up suffering with complications, and I will have to live with the guilt of feeling like I did it to myself.

It's Frank Warren. :)

I wish I was brave enough to say out loud that I wish my child had it instead of me so it would be more socially acceptable for me to ask for donations and empathy.

Thanks for letting me say this.

Although I like to say that diabetes isn't who I am, there are bad days when I wrap it around myself like a cloak of self-pity and resentment. Bad days when I hate myself more than I hate diabetes.

I have T1D and my husband and I haven't told anyone that I'm pregnant! :)

Wow, powerful image! Worth a thousand words... Thanks for sharing, Kerri.

I stayed type 2 off for 30 years with diet and exercise and now that it has happened anyway I resent that my endo thinks I should have done more.

I worry that when I talk about my treatment plan and my test results, people think I'm faking rather than honeymooning.

A big CONGRATULATIONS to the expecting T1D. Such a blessing :)

Though my husband and I are trying to get pregnant, I'm actually a little glad that the tests have been coming back negative each month - because that's one more month I can drink, eat feta cheese, and not embark on the scariest thing I might ever do. Pregnancy frightens the ever-living crap out of me, as a T1 diabetic, because I can't get over the feeling that I'll screw it up, somehow. Or that I won't be a good parent.

I fear my children getting diabetes, even though I pretend to be tough about it.

I also fear gallows humor coming true some day.

Thanks to all the readers who are letting me put this secret out there and not judging me for it.

I also secretly wish I had a blog so I could say all the things in my head about diabetes outloud to someone, anyone. :0)

Thank you Kerri for sharing what I too feel some days. People are fortunate to be naive about the implications of our state of dis-ease and I envy their lack of knowledge while try to patiently explain to them in "layman's" terms what we deal with day to day.

To the T1D "trying" to get pregnant. You can do it! It may be scary but let your fear motivate you to take the best control you can of your diabetes. I just had a baby in August and am so thankful for both of our health throughout pregnancy and now.

PS- You can eat, drink and eat feta cheese once the 9 months are over. :)

Diabetes has always made me feel flawed . . . . like the human equivalent of a factory second.

powerful image is right. thank you for sharing the photo and the postsecret site.

I lie about my A1c results to my wife.

I'm afraid that my lack of diabetes self-care when I was a younger has damaged my chances of having children. I feel like a failure and am so incredibly alone in this fear - it's something I can't share with anyone, and can't even bring myself to get tested because I'm scared of the answer. So, I post here: even anonymously, at least I can share this. Thank you.

I participate in clinical research so that all my stuff is paid for, and allow my family to believe it's for a nobler cause.

I feel guilty for being overweight and when I do "eat what I want" and treat it, the guilt is even heavier.

I too, feel like the human equivalent of a factory second (well-said, BTW).

Nobody is normal, I agree, we all have our crosses to bear -- some just heavier than others.

Thanks for the opportunity to dump.

I think diabetes does define me, and I feel weak for feeling that way.

I wish people knew how much I just want to bang my head against a wall till I go unconscious or stay in bed crippled in fear each morning-all because of diabetes. Just because I don't do the above doesn't mean I don't feel like doing it.

I am 35 weeks, 4 days pregnant and I am scared. Things have been going well so far, but I am scared about how this baby has been impacted by diabetes and how it will continue to be impacted by my diabetes for the rest of his life. I am scared about the weeks to come and the complications that may come with it. I am excited but also scared. Thanks for letting me share Kerri!

my son has T1D, and as much as i know that i didn't cause it, i secretly worry that i didn't do something right, or i didn't do a good enough job.. and that's why he got it :(

i not-so-secretly wish that i could take the T1D from him, and carry that burden myself.

I said yes when my husband asked me to marry him because I was afraid that no one else would ever want to marry me, because of my diabetes.

Sometimes it really gets to me. Like I want to go and hide or bury my head in the sand or sit down and simply cry. I am blessed with a wonderful family, but sometimes I can't talk to anyone about the way this makes me feel.

I know I am depressed about Diabetes and other things. I would like to get help, but I'm worried my job could be in jeopardy, not to mention how scary it is to pour your heart out to someone you don't know. I wish my positive thinking would help me get better, but so far it has only done the opposite and I am just scared. Diabetes is such a downer sometimes.

I have diabetes and OCD. I've been in therapy for over 2 years and my family doesn't know.

I thought of diabetes as soon as I saw this too. Ps. "Should you be eating that cookie?" lol ;)

I try to be positive about the disease because I have a young son who, at the age of 10, feels solely responsible for "keeping me alive" by monitoring me through 'sneak peaks' all during day/night. I am so unbelievably thankful for his love and support!!!

What I hate.... that all the other adults in my life (ex, mother, sisters, brothers, friends, etc.) think all I need to do is take more vitamin D! They are clueless. I'm sure because that's where they're comfortable.

Just really wanted to get that off my chest, I'm too busy keeping a smile on my face so they won't avoid me like the plague!

I'm terrified that my boyfriend won't handle the hypos, and is going to leave me. Even though he says he won't.

I often go back to sleep and leave my lows untreated hoping diabetes will take my life and free my family from the burden of future complications.

I have had T1DM for a long time. Now, when I meet a teen that doesn't want to take care of their lives/diabetes (which seems to happen all too often) I get offended and want to say, "What? Do you WANT to kill yourself? Do you want to be on dialysis? Do you want to risk DKA?" because deep down, I feel helpless with my own life/diabetes/complication risks but want others to be empowered because of my epic fails.

I feel incredibly guilty that I actually feel jealous that one of my adult relatives is in remission from cancer while my 7 year old daughter with type 1 can't be "in remission"

My husband was diagnosed with T1 6 months after our marriage. I feel like his disease has robbed our marriage. He can't hold down a job as a result of constant pain, S*x is non-existent, drained our checking account dry, rendered him infertile. I want to shout out to the roof tops that it isn't fair. I wish I could have kids, a house and a healthy husband. Instead, we live in an apartment and our life is going nowhere. I'm going to be laid off from my job in June and I am scared to death of losing our insurance. Never in my wildest dream did I think 9 years ago, we would be looking at filing for Medicaid if I can't find a job with insurance. Both of us are college graduates.
I am in therapy trying to cope with this. It's just so hard seeing him pooped out from a very low sugar.or cranky from 475 that he just tested a few minutes again. We spent 7K on his medical care that is 1/4 of my income!
I haven't told him this but if I knew how my life would be 14 years ago, I would not have married him. I still love him but have thought about leaving. It's not just D, but his attitude and how it has manifested everything in our lives..whooo....feel better. Please don't judge me. I got the tears flowing now:(

I'm so sick of everyone thinking they know what it's like to have diabetes because (1) someone they barely know has it, (2) they had their finger poked once so they somehow 'get it', or (3) that it's so simple to take care of and must not be that bad to have because you don't look sick. My life is not simple! Not even with all this technology. Insulin pump + CGM does not equal a cure nor does it mean that I'm so completely out of control and irresponsible that I need machines to make decisions for me!

Also, I wish I knew what it was like to enjoy juice.

Most days I'm okay with living with Type 1. But I hate that I'm only 19 and one of my biggest fears is whether or not Diabetes will prevent me from being a mom. I should be thinking about parties and boys!

I resent diabetes for robbing my childhood, for robbing my twin sister's childhood (she is also a T1), for making me poke myself with scary-long pump needles, for making my boyfriend worry about me, for making me drink three juice boxes in 40 minutes because my count remains at a stubborn 54, for making me worry for my future children and what pain and suffering I may inflict on them, for making me have a count of 224 right now even though I have eaten nothing bad today, for not being "serious" enough to be considered as deadly or debilitating as the "big" diseases like cancer, for making me feel constant guilt (because I obviously don't test/exercise/monitor/care enough), for exhausting me, for making me cry...

I resent diabetes.

A Nonny Mouse, you should start a blog. TODAY!!! Do it anonymously if you have to, but do it. You'll feel better. :)

I fantasize about giving a black eye to the next person that assumes I have T2 because of my weight & assures me that if I just lose weight I can "get off the insulin".

P.S. No offense to the T2's out there. I know your battle with the Beetus isn't any easier than T1.

To you all: Don't feel judged and don't feel guilty. It's a difficult road but thankfully we've all found a place to vent and relate to one another. I wish you all happiness and a soft place to land when you need to let go for a little while.

I feel like the world's biggest failure for an A1C of 7.8 today when I thought I was doing better. And also for knowing part of it is that I'm afraid, as a single-ton, of going low alone.

I don't like feeling like a failure.

I have serious resentment towards others, mostly those close to me, who get to put things in their mouths without thinking.

I miss eating freely (diagnosed T1 as an adult). I miss fruit and smoothies. It just seems like too much work to try to figure out how to make it work for me.

I feel like my body has failed me. And that diabetes is my scarlet letter. I hate it.

I'm terrified that I'll never fall in love because I'm too scared to get close to someone just to have him decide that a girlfriend with diabetes is too much of a burden.

I cry alot and secretly do not enjoy being around pregnant friends or babies, because it is simply too hard. It is a constant reminder that I will not be having a baby now or ever because of this dam disease. and although I am forever grateful for the 2 children i have, it doesn't hurt anyless knowing that I can't have another child because my immune system has attacked me leaving me with non working ovaries. I always hokd back my emotions on this and keep it bottled up, but inside I am falling apart.

I am afraid to ask my husband his true feelings about how D has effected our marriage. I also know none of my friends or family really get it.


Sometimes, after I get my A1C test done, I consider the rest of the day a "freebie" and pig out a little.

Not posting anonymous, but I'll say that I feel guilty for being able to achieve A1c's in the low 6's without much effort, when people have struggled their whole lives to try and stay in the 7's or 8's. I feel like so many other people "deserve" a lower A1c and I dont, because I dont really even have to put in much effort.

I resent how much time, energy and emotion it takes to keep my son in good health. I hate being second guessed and second guessing myself. Somedays I just want to run away.

I wish my brother had diabetes too.

I'm still angry at myself for having DKA while I was pregnant.

I know I did everything I could have, I kept my A1C at 6 or below the whole time but but still... MY broken body put her though the stress around the 7th month. I had no right to do that.

The docs told me after the fact that had it been just a few weeks before her chances for surivial would have been 50/50.

I am angry....and thankful.

Sometimes when I'm in a crowded place and my blood sugar goes low I don't treat it. Because if I pass out I know I will get some attention and feel like someone cares. Even though I know my family does. I don't know why I crave the attention so much.

I wish my sanctimonious jerk of a sister in law's kids would get diabetes too. Then maybe she'd shut her pie hole.
(Yes I know that makes me a very bad person)

I fear the disappointed look on M's face every time my blood sugar creeps up. So I eat the cupcake and lie to the man I love.

Sometimes, I'm thankful for diabetes. I think I'd be a spoiled brat if I didn't have it.

My daughter is afraid I'll die in my sleep from a low, after having one that was difficult to control, so I run high all the time and keep my A1c over 8, even though it makes my doctor mad.

I sometimes feel guilty when I eat infront of my T1 husband because I feel like I am rubbng something in his face. Sometimes I sneak treats when he's not looking so he doesn't get angry. And I get pissed off when other family members dont see how hard he works everyday to stay healthy and in control.

Every time I see a movie or read a book about someone stranded or in an emergency situation, even if for only a few days, I secretly think about how I would die. I couldn't survive, physically.

It makes me feel like I wasn't meant to live past the age of 10 (D-Day). It really depresses me, I really feel like I'm a guest here in this earh, staying on special terms, like someone gave me an extension. It's as if i'm on probation and can't screw up (again), diabetes was my 1 strike.

I should be dead. THAT is hard to live with.

I refused to participate in a breast cancer bake sale in November because I was annoyed that breast cancer was trying to steal my awareness month.

I gave up meeting someone because guys I was dating turned out not to be okay with me having diabetes. Then I met someone and everything has been different--so far, at least. I tell myself I don't need to worry, but I can't shake the fear that everything will fall apart.

being dx as an adult a year AFTER my child was dx which I clearly know is strange...I get so tired of feeling like certain people some even family at first thought I was saying I had t1d for attention and may still think that...I mean really if im going to fake a disease I think I would pick one that did not include stabbing myself many many times a day :(

The thing I'm most scared about in leaving my husband is that people will blame me if something happens to him, even though his T1 has absolutely nothing to do with why I would be doing so.

I hate diabetes. It took my sister from me. It plagues three of my children. It robs me of sleep and leaves me feeling helpless, useless, and incapable. It has left my daughter hating her life and contemplating suicide. I feel like diabetes is ruining my life and there is nothing I can do about it.

I hate hearing about other mother's long nights because of their kid's cough and sniffles. Then I feel like I'm not a good friend, because I really don't care.

Then again, it seems like they don't care what our nights are like either.

So do you ever really have a friend on this journey?

I'm dealing with complicatiions from my lack of care when I was younger and I resent having to explain 'why this is happening' to everyone who asks...I know they are concerned, but it's hard to admit to everyone you meet that you screwed up years ago and are paying the price now.

4years ago today my daughter was diagnosed with type one. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will never forget that. Is it bad to think that that this stupid disease has ruined my birthday?? I never want to celebrate. I just want the day to end. I hate that diabetes have made my nights sleepless, though cgm are great, hate the delay. Hate that diabetes made my girls grow up a little more than other kids their age. Their school nurse tells me she can't see other kids their age do what they do. I hate that I can't just give my kids food or go out to eat with out thinking carbs. I hate that I when i think about their future i worry about how they will be.

To the anonymous mom with the birthday tomorrow - my birthday is tomorrow, too. I'll be celebrating with my husband and my daughter, and I will be raising a cupcake to you. Happy birthday, my friend. Thanks for sharing your story.

To everyone,

Thank you. I don't have words other than that to properly express how much your comments today moved me. Thank you for being there, and for reassuring me that we're all in this together, through the good stuff and the stuff that picks at our soul.

Much love,
Kerri.

I'm afraid I'll never find someone to love me. I'm afraid I'll end up alone because there isn't anyone out there for me who wants to deal with all this diabetes crap.

And I hate diabetes for ruining food for me. I hate eating. It's just too much work.

And I hate that I'm overweight and that people think I'm t2. No offense to t2's out there, but I'm embarrassed that I'm so fat.

I'm a mom of a T1. I no longer want grandchildren. I don't want this disease passed on to another generation.

(my mom is the only other person I ever told that to...thanks.)

I'm scared that b/c I used my diabetes in my application to PA school that I won't even get an interview. Why choose a candidate who could have a ton of health issues after dealing with this disease for over 22yrs when they could get someone else who is healthy?

I'm having a hard time mentoring a current student who likes to put herself into DKA for the attention. She just does not get what she is doing to her body...

I cry alot in the shower. Im scared that my son will die from a low or have future complications from a high. I feel like what i do is never enough.

I miss being a wife and woman.
I miss our life before.
I miss my son being able to just be.
I check him almost every hour while he sleeps.
I too hate when people bitch about colds and flus. Live a day in our shoes.

I posted under my name. I trust the DOC.

Love you all.

secretly crying in the bathroom on a D-versary because your family doesn't 'get it' like the DOC does but feeling guilty because how can I expect them to...I need a giant cupcake tonight...no,no I don't...xo

If one more person asks me if my child will outgrow Type 1 I might just beat the shit out of them.

T1 has robbed my child with D and my two other non D children of a normal childhood.

When the doctors told us all we had to do was give insulin, I actually believed them. I thought it would be the same amount everyday, carefully calculated by the doctor like when he decides what dose of blood pressure medicine to put someone on.

I know exactly which asshole parents have decided to exclude my T1 child from social activities. What goes around comes around.

I sometimes eat naughty things in my car to avoid a confrontation with my T1 child.

I used to believe taking care of my T1 child meant running her a bit on the high side so we never had to worry about losing her to a low blood sugar.

If only we could always be this honest, and it was ok.

To share: It's a struggle to feel like two people with this disease. The first person inside me worries every single night about dying from an overnight low and wakes up feeling so drained and closed in from either hypoglycemia/hyperglycemia during the night. These feelings cause so much depression and anxiety that is causes a domino effect of problems.

The second person smiles and acts as though having Type 1 is no big deal, and is ready and open to share any little detail, but at the same time regrets it the moment someone just doesn't understand.

I also wish they changed the name because it is just way too different from Type 2 to be linked together. That angers me a little.

I lie awake at night and worry that my son will develop complications one day because I am not doing a good enough job, caring for his T1. I wish I could be the one, I wish I wish I wish. He has had two seizures and I am so afraid, so afraid, so afraid.

I have waited 30 years for a cure and now i don't believe there will be one. I had tough teen years now i have hypoglycemia unawareness and have a diabetic service dog. I have a hard time dating with having a service dog. Sadly my life is reduced to praying every night i don't die in my sleep.

When other parents talk about T1 like it's no big deal, and brag about their kids A1C being below 7, I secretly tell myself their child is a misdiagnosed Type 1.5

I'm 17 years old and I am a type one diabetic. I feel like I am a burden to my parents. My dad just makes that worse when he calls my need for cartridge changes and battery changes "drama". It hurts. I just want to feel normal again. I don't want to get stared at for drinking juice in the middle of class. I don't want to be that girl with diabetes anymore. I just want to be Caitlyn.

When my T1D daughter is with me I sometimes can't wait for her to go stay with her dad so I can have a break from the sleepless nights. As soon as she goes to her dad's, I can't wait for her to come home so I know that she is taken care of, alive, and well.

I just turned 18, I have been T1 for 2 years..
I try not to let the D stop me form doing what I want in life.. I want to me a hair stylist, but no.. I have to go to college and get a job with insurance so that the rest of my life, I can have all of my supplies to LIVE. I hate the way some people treat me like I am diseased. Most of all, I hate that pregnancy (Lord forbid, unplanned) will not be easy. Like many others with the D, I think about a natural disaster or something that will leave me without supplies and I will just die.... why did this have to happen to me?

I hate that I can't just sleep through the night anymore like a normal person, because Im so afraid something will happen to my son if I do. And I hate the nagging fear each morning that when I check on him he might be dead.

This is something I wrote at the end of particularly bad day. It had been hidden in the recesses of my computer until tonight, where you have given me the opportunity to let it go...

*****

diabetes

circles above me
every second of every minute of every day
mocking my futile efforts
laughing at my fears
waiting for my mistakes, which are many
preying on my ignorance
denying me my security and my happiness
drawing power from my silent tears that my shallow pride won't allow me to share
wallowing in my failures
cursing my few successes
lusting for my surrender
knowing that sooner than later
it will devour me
body and soul
and there is nothing I can do
except stare at the clock
and listen to the crescendo of its staccato ticks
as diabetes waits patiently, knowingly
to take me in pieces
eyes, limbs, kidneys, heart
until
I
am
all
gone

That type I diabetes is slowly robbing me of my life as I age. It will catch up to all of us, one way or the other- so my Type I can go to Hell, ha, i feel beeter. thx Kerri, interesting post today. It's good to finally see more people being more honest about their problems & concerns with type I !! This is much more real. As it's a chronic disease.

I'm tired of feeling that on some level, people think that as an adult T1 DX, I'm some sort of second class citizen, who doesn't 'get it', or deserve a cure because I was never a cute kid who struggled through childhood with diabetes.

I'm scared to leave my job, where my boss and colleagues understand.

I'm scared to move house, or for my roomate to leave, because he's the main part of my support system.

I'm scared of showing weakness to my parents, who don't fully understand.

Secret 1: Some of the times I think about having a baby, a "Steel Magnolias"-type scenario comes to my mind. I don't know if this would be the same if I've had taken better care of myself in high school and college (half of my diabetic life actually).

Secret 2: When my sister-in-law and my friend fell pregnant, I felt it like a punch in my face. I resented all the planning I knew I need to do and I feared that I will lack the will-power. Still this was a wake-up call and now I'm more determined than ever to do it. I've assembled my care-team and I'm working on my numbers. Although Secret 1 type situations arise :)

I'm afraid that one day at the same time I'll be planning my son's graduation and my daughter's funeral.

I'm a teacher and no one that I work with knows about my diabetes...

I wasn't going to post but trying to get pregnant is about the hardest thing in the world to do with T1. Without T1 I think I would have 3 or 4 children already. I run a daycare and spend all my time with other people's babies, I just want one of my own and I am terrified about everything I am going to have to go through. I even wish my husband had a clue about how I feel. No one understands that I can't just get knocked up whenever I feel like it. I have to plan and be ready, healthy and smart about it. My family has been bugging me for years..."When are you going to get pregnant?" Geessh...if I thought it was going to be so easy I would've done it already, don't ya think?!! I am tired of taking care of other people's babies, please God, give me my own. Please. Diabetes sucks. I would love to vent like this everyday. Thanks.

For the twin above: I have had stage 3 cancer and I now have type 2 diabetes. Diabetes is a big scary disease. It is as scary as cancer.

i saw the endo yesterday. my A1c was 7.3. not bad. so i didn't admit to her that i hadn't checked my bg for weeks! i think i'm waiting for some consequences and 7.3 just wasn't bad enough. why can't i just do the right thing?

When I see posts from T1's that are frustrated with an a1c of 7.x, I just want to scream and give up.

I sneak food and lie to my husband about my blood sugar. My blood sugar stays over 200 most of the time! I hate having T1d and being a food addict! I am mad at God for giving me a disease I dont know how to control. Sometimes I wish I could just eat myself to death!

Thank you Kerri for posting this blog. It gives us a chance to say how we really feel instead of painting a smile on our face and carrying on fighting the good fight.

To all: we are all scared, worried, upset, not wanting to be a burden, feeling not good enough etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! The DOC has taught me that and that we are here for each other. We can only do our best and try to enjoy the ride we have. Take care all.

I am the mother of a T1. I hate that it has stolen my daughters childhood. I hate that I have to tag along to birthday parties with her so I can count her carbs and bolus her appropriately (she is still too young) - at this point, I am the only mom doing this because of thist stupid disease. I hate not sleeping through the night anymore. I hate feeling guilty that this is MY fault - I have two auto-immune diseases myself. I worry about the teenage years - I worry about her moving away from home some day and taking this disease on herself ... will she ignore it? Will she be on top of things like I try to?? Will she worry about her health as much as I do?? Will she give up like previous posters on here have mentioned and just want diabetes to take her away from us?? Will someone want to marry her someday knowing what they are getting into? And I hate that we're broke as all hell from buying an insulin pump for her that hasn't made a freakin' difference in her a1c results - AT ALL. I hate that other people's children have better a1c's than she does and we work our asses off to keep her numbers in check and she's still all over the board.

I hate this disease. I hate it - I hate what it's doing to my child and I hate the worry that it has inflicted on me and my husband. I hate that it has made her sister think we are giving our D child more attention than her. I hate the turmoil this disease brings into a family. I hate that our diabetes clinic says that they have NOT had a child in their entire history DIE of T1 ... I'm scared mine will be the first.

Diabetes can rot in hell.

I just stumbled upon this blog via Facebook. I have had this damn disease for 25 years! I have had two children successfully and they are healthy young adults now. I deal with depression too. I am a high school teacher and I share with everyone once a semester that I am diabetic so that they know. If something should happen to me they will get help. I also share because so many teachers walk around like they are 'perfect' and do not want the students to know their problems. So many teens are dealing with lack of self esteem and figuring themselves out. Teens knowing that we are human and not perfect helps with my relationship with them as a teacher.

Oh it is good to see that my feelings are normal.. I have days when I get up wanting to dive into all the bad stuff that I'm not allowed anymore.. Just throw my hands in the air and shout,"Diabetes, I give up"
My arms and hands are starting to go to sleep and I wake up with tingling fingers.. planning to get acupuncture to see if that helps

Sometimes I feel bad that no one in the real world remembers that type 2 isn't my fault. And then I feel bad that some people in the blogging communities don't remember that either.

It feels lonely to be diabetic and fat and judged for both things. I would much rather have type 1 just so people wouldn't be able to blame me. (not saying that type 1 is easier or anything like that but it isn't looked down upon. not like type two is)

I am constantly walking the fine line between having my T1 daughter healthy and keeping her from hating me.

I fear that some day my son will have complications that could have been prevented if only I was doing more for him now. I wish I knew what doing more for him would entail so that I could be assured that he would be okay when he is older.

The so called Dead in Bed syndrome. Just the idea that my T1 son could die in his sleep regardless of good control scares me. I have told no one close to me about this fear because I think they will think I am ridiculous and being melodramatic. I know the chances of Dead in Bed are very low, but I also know if my son wasn't T1 then the chances would be ZERO...so Diabetes can go to Hell.

I have this fantasy that there is some tangible, real object that represented Diabetes. I could go to it and beat the holy beep out of it in the name of my son just to make myself feel better. I just had an idea, maybe I should get myself a punching bag and name it the D-Bag. Then when my diabetes stresses and frustrations are about to boil over I can go hit the crap out of the D-Bag. Ha!

I wish my bro and sis would stop telling me horrible stories about all their friends who lost toes and feet, even legs to diabetes...who went blind and ended up in a wheelchair yada yada yada to diabetes...I am doing all I can...I dont need to hear this. Saying things like this to me is cruel...say something nice or leave me alone!!!

I've never ever ever wanted this disease. Who has? I have used it to my ABILITY for the last 23 years, but honestly, it sucks. It has made my marriage wreck. We've had numerous miscarriages and my husbands thinks he need to "take care of me" instead of just be my husband. I'm very frustrated by this, BUT, I will not let diabetes defeat me. Thank you Kerri for always posting just the right thing!

I sometimes wish that more people died from type 1 so that it would be taken seriously and people would understand just how difficult it is.

i only have dt2 but my numbers are allways in the 200,s i have neuropathy as well and arthurites and at times the pain is unbearable,,,, i often wished that i could just die preferably in my sleep,,,, forget about finding love in my life,, being almost 60 dosent help,,,,,, bless all of you who are worse off then me,,,

I have a diabetic service dog and have been shunned by quite a few type 1's because they don't think i need my dog. Sadly i would of died this past October and January if i had not had my dog. Why does not anyone understand I am trying to just survive and i need help making it. I have tried Cgms and it did not catch my lows it would alert after i passed out. Just wish i was supported by people who also are stuggling with it too.

Dear moms of kids with type 1: Here is what I have learned over the years: Diabetes makes kids resilient. They will be FINE. They will go to parties and go to college and get drunk and live life. Diabetes is not life, just merely a small part. It is not "our" diabetes or "our" pump. It belongs to your child. Be their #1 cheerleader and support team, but let them grow up to own their diabetes. And lastly, send them to diabetes camp. It will give them the independence and courage that you may not be able to give them.
Sincerely, a successful adult with T1 whose parents did it right.

FUCK YOU DIABETES! FUCK YOU!

my dream in life is to marry a Joslin boy.

I'm scared to death of passing out.

I'm scared my future children will be born with a complication from my D and I'll have to see it like a slap in the face every day.

I'm scared our economy will one day leave us all unable to afford medicine and we'll die of DKA.

I expect the worst but hope for the best. I try to be strong and speak as if I'm strong, but deep down I'm not - not in the least.

As a Type I diabetic I am very judgmental towards overweight/obese Type II Diabetics! Do not try to talk to me like we share the same experiences, because when all is said and done
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS OR CAUSE THIS!!!
This was not self-inflicted. You decided to let yourself go and you are reaping the consequences of your shitty choices. I was a healthy girl and I did nothing to deserve this!

Diabetes sucks!

You know what? As much as I hate diabetes, I also wouldn't be who I am had I not had it. I met my exhusband because of a diabetes support group when I was 16! His best friend was a friend of mine. Diabetes Complications took that friend from us. Without both of us having diabetes I wouldn't have my daughter. She had complications at birth where she was rushed to the NICU because she was almost 10lbs and couldn't breathe. I blame myself for not doing more to take care of myself. I wonder if the delays she has now are because I had diabetes. The medical community can't give me an answer. I worry every day that she will be diagnosed with this disease. I cringe everytime someone says she looks just like me. Does that mean her genes are like mine? On the flip side I could not mange life without her. SHE was the reason I had to take care of myself. I just had a little boy in October. My A1C stayed at 6.5. He was still 9 lbs. He's still huge but it looks right, unlike when my daughter was born. I stupidly got pregnant after being irresponsible one night. I have wondered if subconciously I did it to get medical coverage. Thanks to the state, I now have an insulin pump.
I realized a couple months ago that when my kids are around my age, I will have had diabetes for fifty years. Will I still be here for them? Will I still be taking care of them or will they have to take care of me?

I sometimes wish that someone else in my family would get diabetes just so they can feel the pain and the stress of ths disease and i wont haveto feel alone.

When I had a miscarriage last December, even though I was told D didn't have anything to do with it, I blamed myself. I blamed the years of my diabetic Rumspringa from when I was a teen. I blamed the a1c of 6.1%. I blamed t1d.

Even with all of the reassurances, I still do and I can't stop.

I wish my wife cared. I've had diabetes for 10+ years and she was with me before I was diagnosed. I would bet a lot of money that my wife couldn't even tell you what an A1c is... Sad huh. Nobody gives a shit, but I keep trying to get to the magical

I hate that my husband freaks out every time i have a low and makes me feel like a complete idiot.

I hate that because I am overweight people assume that I am T2 and not T1.


Amen to the poster above's advice for moms of Type1 diabetics. I've had this disease for 21 years (since I was 4) and have been administering my own blood checks/shots since I was 6 years old. I'm sure it brought tears to my mom's eyes to watch her six year old daughter giving herself injections three times per day, but what it gave that six year old girl is priceless: control. I know that I can control this disease (well, care for it, some days it has a mind of its own) and I know that I am capable of keeping myself alive.

I was able to move 800 miles away from my parents at age 22 and have been living on my own this entire time, healthy, independent and strong. To say this disease is awful is putting it lightly, but this disease also gave me something that I may not have otherwise had: strength.

My spouse doesn't want to hear anything about my diabetes. She resents it and sometimes it feels like she resents me.

No secrets here....I battle everyday against one of the most unforgiving and relentless chronic diseases there is. However, I refuse to allow it to be in control of everything about my life. And actually, I am grateful for what it has "given" me. Because of Type I DM, I am more conscious of my diet and level of exercise than I would have ever been. So, for all it has taken from me, it has given me double.

Diabetes has created a shell around me, and I let very few people in. I just can't take the judgment, pity and second guessing.

Diabetes always sucks. But sometimes it's funny and I try to laugh as much as I can. One time when my husband I were having sex, my pump tubing wrapped around his penis. I am laughing outloud writing this!! It was embarrassing but hilarious - and I've never told anyone about it. And when I take my pump off for sex and it does that triple beep, I call it the "get lucky" beep because we're both about to get lucky :)

Hooray, a funny secret!

One time, when my pump battery died, I didn't have any spares. So I used the batteries from my vibrator instead!

I'm scared. I have been T1 for 4 years and am 25. We are trying to get pregnant and I know he tries, but he has no idea how much work it is. I can't talk to anybody because no one can know we are trying for a baby, and I feel so alone. I try to keep my BS's down, and i did great until we finally decided to stop taking Birth Control. Ever since then, I can't control my numbers at ALL. I want to just give up and say, FUCK YOU Diabetes for making this so hard for me. I just want a baby of my own, with out all this crap in their life. I have no idea how we will afford it, how I will be able to manage everything, work my crazy hours and still function. I cried when my period finally came so i knew i wasn't pregnant yet, and can try to starve myself just to get better numbers to carry a baby better. I'm so sick of your T1.

I wish I could hug all of those people who spouses don't care about your disease.

Thanks Kerri for this. I needed it.

I hate how expensive it is for diabetic patients to manage their disease. When you consider all the costs involved with the medications, the insulin, and the testing supplies it can add up quickly. It is really a financial burden for those that suffer from this disease.

What really struck me about all of the other comments left on this blog was the emotional strain that diabetes puts on patients and their loved ones. I'm used to talking with patients about the physical complications related to diabetes at work all the time and but this can take an emotional toll on patients as well that can be just as devastating or even worse than the physical toll.

It really becomes a lifestyle for those that suffer from diabetes and their families and loved ones instead of just a disease because of the impact it has on everything a diabetic patient does in their day to day life. It takes a strong person to deal with diabetes.

I hope one day that there will be a cure and that everyone will not have to suffer from all of these problems anymore. Until then it my job and the jobs of other pharmacists to try and help diabetic patients as much as we can to manage their very labor intensive disease.

All I can say is good luck to everyone. I hope you will beat this disease and live your lives!

Yess. I noticed this right away. I want to blog about it this week. I had lots of secrets about D until I found the community. Now i can share them without fear all of the time. It's pretty freaking awesome.

I worry about my T1 son (14) on a daily basis. I wonder....

Will he take good care of himself once he leaves home?

Will he stand up to rude people?

Will he be able to get and hod down a good job, with a boss who understands?

Will he have trouble dating?

Will he find a good wife who can handle D?

Will he ever rebel?

Will he never be 100% happy with his life because of D?

Will he die in his sleep because he's alone?

I want to take away his burden, yet I know I couldn't handle it as well as he does.

I wish my in-laws would stop reminding me that I'm getting older (31- practically AARP material), so I'd better get pregnant quick if I want kids- listen, bub, I JUST got my A1C below 8 after YEARS of 8.7s, 8.5s, even a few 9s. So yeah, I can risk my life, my sight, my overall health, and the health & survival of your grandkid, or you can shut up & let me get healthy enough to even decide for myself if I want kids. (Somehow, I feel this speech would put a bit of a damper on our typical Christmas dinners, so for now, I just smile & nod. Save the crying drama for my own family...)


On another note- I work with middle schoolers after school, and am not shy about my diabetes (having it for 23 years gives you a certain "yeah, I'm injecting myself with something in the middle of a restaurant/library/mall/etc- what of it?" attitude) and the vast majority of them get so excited to find out, because their math teacher has T1, and does a month-long unit on diabetes for the entire 6th grade every year- they calculate carb ratios, what they can eat, and how much insulin to take, a typical meal plan, learn about advances & complications- it's an amazing unit. And now, because of him, I get to have some really cool discussions with these kids, and for the first time, I can talk to non-diabetics & get the feeling that they understand at least a portion of what I'm talking about. So teachers, coaches- everyone- talk about your diabetes- the more people who know SOMETHING, the better & easier it makes it on all of us.

I have been a T1 since age 13. I am 36 and my body is aging twice as fast as it should be. I had open heart surgery a year ago due to diabetes and poor decisions - I was a smoker. I can't remember what it is like to be pain-free and happy. I sometimes wish I would die in my sleep. I hate this damned disease and the heartache it has brought to me.

I feel guilty that I fund raise for a cure while people die every day because they can't access insulin.

I want to have kids, but my husband isn't ready yet. With T1 for over 25 years, I can't wait much longer. Complications will catch up with me.

If I were normal, we could do things on his schedule. I'm not normal, so we either have to do it now or I have to leave him. I don't want to leave him, but I want my own kids.

As much as I would like to say that diabetes doesn't define me some days it does, like today. I feel like I've done everything right today and I still can't keep a number below 300 today. I try not to blame myself but it's hard. I hate diabetes about 100% of the time and I'm always asking myself, why me?

A girl told me a few months ago that there was a CHANCE that my future child would get diabetes...then said that I shouldn't have them because of it. I should have punched her in the face.

I'm trying to get pregnant. Going to pee on a stick tomorrow morning, afraid to hope that it will be positive in case it's not. I'm in the best D "control" of my life, my hba1c is 6.0, I'm finally in a place where this. could. happen, and I'm so terrified that it won't. Maybe I fucked it up too much when I was younger, and didn't test but maybe twice a day on a good day, ate tons of everything but didn't pay attention to boluses, and ran high b/c I didn't want to take time to take care of lows. I don't have a ton of time left to get knocked up--waited for a while until it felt right, but don't know if the universe will grant me this now. I feel like I'm about to burst. And BTW, fuck Steel Magnolias. I asked my dr. to "just tell me the truth, am I going to die if I get pregnant and have a baby?" Because I honestly thought that was the end result for all type 1s who try to have babies. My mom still thinks that's the case, and I can't tell her about this b/c I don't want her to freak out at me. No thank you.

I hate that diabetes makes me different.

But the worst part is not the physical highs and lows; rather it's not always being able to tell my family about it, because it is devastating to know how guilty THEY feel that I have to deal with this disease. Seeing my parents' guilt hurts more than diabetes sometimes.

as much as I advocate for my child to be able to test anywhere and everywhere and to not be ashamed to test in front of people ...it still embarrasses me when I have to check and especially treat in front of strangers and I hate being fat and t1d everyone assumes I did this to myself...to bad loosing the weight wont make it go away

I only test a few times a week because I am burnt out by diabetes. However, I make up my numbers when I go to the endrocrinologist. My A1C comes back fine (7.1). I want my doctor to call me out on it, but never seems to catch the fact that I'm a fake. (Yes, I still give insulin!)

Actually jealous of my husband since HIS cancer has a 90% cure rate and my T1 has a 0% cure rate.

1. I drove once so low I don't remember where went for about a two hour span because I did not want to give up my independance and ask for help.
(reckless, stupid)

2. I snap at anyone who asks me how my diabetes is doing because I don't want to admit how out of control I am. (W having tea with M ALL THE DAMN TIME! uugghhh!!)

3.I'm just so sad all the time I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. :(

I hate that a woman I work with had a daughter with complications from T1 Diabetes that died a month ago. She got it in the early 70s before we had half the technology we did 15 years later when I was diagnosed. She was never controlled. I was and have been. People keep trying to tell me I can't eat a candy bar or drink a regular soda when they see me in the break room. What they don't understand is if they didn't see me drinking that soda, I would be on the floor and they're so stupid they don't realize that big shot they keep in the back IS SUGAR. I don't have bad diabetes, I don't have good diabetes. I just have t1 diabetes. I resent the fact that T1 and T2 have the same names when, to be honest, they are different diseases. I hate that statistically I should have babies with complications and I worry all through the pregnancy and have perfect, beautiful babies while my friends get blindsided with babies with heart problems and other problems. I hate that my mom constantly worries about me. I hate that congress has made healthcare into a politics thing rather than a life or death thing. While they spend their time arguing, many of us go without our medications or leave the pump site in a couple days longer just to stretch the supplies that we pay for without insurance.... I hate that my exhusband refused to buy me the insulin I needed to live and I ended up in DKA and my daughter had to see it.

T1 for a little short of two years now - and I'm so frustrated that I'm ready to chuck it all, drive to Wyoming, and just go out watching the sun go down over the Rockies.

I resent my parents, after meeting parents in the DOC. I feel like their lack of attention to my D in my childhood/teens makes it harder for me now (I have little self control when it comes to eating, blow off self care, etc). I wish they had micro managed like some other D-moms did. I am frustrated that my actions when I was a teen mean that I might have complications - soon. I'm only in my mid-20's. My hands and feet go numb, things float around my eyes, and i'm too scared to see the doctor about these things. When my boyfriend talks about growing old together, I cry because I don't think I'll make it much past 50 - which is scary because my parents are 50 and I need them, not just because of D.

D makes me want to run away so that I never have to be close to anyone, so that I Never have to hurt anyone with either the madness of this illness nor the complications it will cause.

I hate that Oprah and Dr Oz didn't do more about T1 diabetes. The only person they followed with the condition was a woman on kidney dialysis, not normal healthy people. Not everyone ends up that way.... Not everyone goes blind, not everyone loses limbs, not everyone has horrible complications. THANKS A LOT OPRAH FOR CONTINUING THE STEREOTYPE!

Sometimes I resent how much money we spend on my husband's supplies/insurance/etc. I think of all the other things that we could be doing with that money(vacations, buying a house, etc). Sometimes I resent my husband for allowing the disease to hold him back.

I have a vivid memory of my mom crying after a telephone call from a doctor relaying a particularly bad A1c when I was 11 years old. She asked me how I could do this to myself and told me that I was killing myself. I still feel incredibly guilty, but I am also angry that such a weight was placed on my shoulders at such a young age.

Nobody knows my biggest motivation to keep my numbers good is so that I never have to be a burden (from complications) to my husband or family. I am the one that they all come to for help. I don’t know if I could ever ask for help…

Reading these comments... this is the first time in 24 years with T1 that I don't feel alone. Thank you for this. I've thought pretty much every comment here and I thought I was the only one and that there must be something wrong with me because everyone else seems ok with it. We suffer in silence because otherwise we hear "well, at least it's not ______ (fill-in-the-blank horrible disease.) But it is a horrible disease. I always hear "well, at least your alive. be happy." What? Why should I be? I have no fucking clue what's in store, or not in store, for me but I'm pretty sure it's not full of carefree days with puppies and rainbows. I could have a horrible path of complications in front of me or die in my sleep tonight from a low but yeah, be happy. Great. I want to tell these people they have no fucking clue what it's like and never could until it actually happens to them but instead I just smile. They don't get why I'm bitter. They don't care about what I've lost along the way. I'm alive and that's all that matters. Right? Sure... what ever makes you, non-diabetics, feel better and think diabetes is some sort of 'manageable' disease. Yeah, I'm not dead right now but I could do everything 'right' and still get screwed.

Thanks for the venting.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church..a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the face people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our ATTITUDE...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our ATTITUDE."

i read about parents in the doc and i resent my parents because they have never taken the initiative to learn anything about my diabetes. i am a college student so they aren't around it everyday but it breaks my heart when they made dumb remarks. shortly after i got my pump, my dad saw me checking my blood sugar and he asked me why i was still doing that. he was appalled he had spent so much money on a pump and i still had to check my blood sugar. when i was still on shots, we went out to eat as a family. i lifted my shirt just a little bit to give my shot and my adult sister asked me if i really needed to do that then. she said i was embarrassing the family. deep down i wanted to yell and her and then bawl.

Every day I feel like a failure because it feels too hard to have Type 1 and raise a kid.

I hate that I can't be as spontaneous as I want. Run when I want, eat when I want, etc.

I'm tired of the combination of eating and calculating. I just want to eat! As someone wrote earlier, diabetes has taken the joy out of eating.

After 22 years, most days it just feels like too much.

When I'm having a bad day, I think about the benefit of having diabetes because I can easily end my life by overdosing on insulin.

T1, DX '74 @ age 14

I haven't called my bf from HS because I've heard she is going to be a grandma for the first time in a few months. I just don't think I have it in me to fake being happy for her. I thought the pain of not having kids becacause of the D would go away when all my friends passed the "child bearing age". It didn't, it is now round two of the pain because they are now all having grandkids. This hurts twice a bad. No one told me this would happen.

i resent my t1 husband's family for not recognizing before he wound up in dka and the icu for a week that he was too depressed to take care of his D. he's now dealing with some nerve issues in his feet and i wonder how things might have been if they had realized what he was doing to himself, skipping shots and just wanting to die.

i resent the fact that now that he's gone to therapy and gotten his D under control that they tease him for counting carbs and sometimes forget that he has to take a shot before eating (asking where he is as they all start diving in). drives me nuts and i just want to smack them sometimes.

wow...while I admit I have thought many of the same thoughts here I refuse after living with this for 38 yrs to let diabetes win. I believe you have to be tougher than this disease is and never ever let it get the upper hand. It may knock you down every now and then but you gotta keep getting up and keep moving forward.

I think this thread could use a little inspiration from Rocky.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY

So many of my fears are listed above. I feel guilty for crying because I'm not the one with the disease.

Mom of just turned 10 year old, diagnosed when she was 7.

A little on the lighter side:

Even though I test, count the carbs and bolus as needed.....I still hide the wrappers from the chocolate in the console of my car. Not sure who I am hiding it from....my husband is very understanding and actually "gets it". But I still do. Residual guilt from the '70s and '80s!! (Add to this the fact that I'm 52 years old!)

Ever since I was diagnosed with T1D at age 21, I have been slowly sinking deeper and deeper into depression and alcoholism. It's gotten to the point where I can't even fall asleep at night without getting drunk. I know the health implications of this, but... I just don't care.

As a mom of a T1 daughter (age 8), I resent diabetes for so many of the same reasons many of you have posted (sleepless nights, anxiety about her health, her future, living alone, etc.)

I now worry more about my own mortality because I want to be around as long as possible to watch out for her.

It frustrates me when people ask if she's "stablized." People just don't get there's no rhyme or reason to T1.

I hate that my daughter's childhood has been disrupted and that she has to handle issues that no child should have to encounter.

I hate that she feels "different" from her friends and that people define her as the second grader that has diabetes.

I hate that she understands the ramifications of this disease and at age 8 fears falling asleep at night because of going low while sleeping.

What brings tears to my eyes is reading all of these comments and knowing that more than likely these are feelings that she has or will have.

If I had known that my child would be cursed with T1D (since infancy), I never would've gotten pregnant. Most days I'm glad I didn't know...

my daughter was diagnosed with t1 a year ago when she was 10... I spend most of my time second guessing her insulin doses, waiting for her to text me her numbers, waiting for her to wake up in the morning, or not, wishing she wouldn't have sleep overs or school camping trips, dreading the trips to the dr and her A1c numbers, and hoping she grows up healthy... I wrote the following on a particularly bad day:

words
words like
dead
in
bed
all strung together
dead in bed
nightmare
nights
hours spent
laying awake
waiting
waiting to test
test again
and again
waiting for morning
waiting for what?
hypoglycemia
ketoacidosis
blood sugar
time to test
test again
how high is high
low
chasing it
round and round
and test
again?
yes, again
panic
and falling slowly
sliding into the darkness
nope, not yet
gotta test
again
and again and again
and tears
and smiles
and hope
shine bright my little star

-Like momoft1daughter said, I also worry about my own mortality (almost as much as my daughter's) because I am pretty much the only person in her life to help take care of her.

-Every morning I breathe a sigh of relief when I go in her room and see that she hasn't died in the night.

-I make her text me in the mornings that she's not with me so I know she is okay, but I tell her it's so we can start the day off with each other every day on a happy note.

-I hate my grandmother for not taking care my type 1 dad the way he deserved to be taken care of. And sometimes I am mad at my mother for the things she says to him about his diabetes even though he is very healthy.

-I feel guilty that I never got diabetes, even though I have very high risk genes, especially since I passed them along to my daughter.

I am hiding the fact that I am a diabetic smoker from most people IRL. Except the guilt is killing me. At work today, I stood there and had images of myself with no legs. Because I smoke. And I hate myself for it.

T1 for 15 years since age 9.

Sometimes I think that natural selection should prevent me from having children and passing on my flawed genes.

Sometimes I think that the world has labeled me as flawed and it's hard to not buy into the lost-cause mindset.

Every day I feel like I'm sharing my body with diabetes and no matter how hard I try to play games and treat it badely, it always wins.

Sometimes I get angry reading about T1's diagnosed later in life, not because I wish ill on them but because I wish I had more time to be a kid.

Sometimes I wish the people I knew could experience a low and I mean a real low, like the 16 I lived through a few years ago (and treated with cereal).

I wish older people, particularly my grandparents, would stop referring to my diabetes as the DIA-BE-TIS.

I have a twin and I am so thankful every day that I was burdened with this terrible disease, no matter how much I truly hate it.

I hate that people (especially some in the D community) think I did this to myself as a T2. I hate that resentment. I am at a healthy weight. It is in my family. I am struggling just as hard as all of you on a pump, etc. T2 is not easy and I am sort some of u feel this way.

I lie to my husband all the time. He has no idea how out of control my numbers are. I'm so afraid of blindness, I'd rather have everything cut off than be blind. I was an abused child, I don't give a shit about myself, I am a selfish asshole. I don't even care enough to stay alive for my son.

I went and bought a vibrator so I would always have back-up batteries for my pump.

I love diasecrets! Why didn't I think of this earlier!

AS A T2 I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS EITHER! I DID NOT INFLICT THIS ON MYSELF as others may think. I am a healthy weight T2 with a strong family history. I struggle evey day as well. Pumping, testing, dealing with lows, etc. I resent that many believe I did this to myself. Trust me, this is not something I would chosen to have done to myself.

I hate that my A1c was 7.6 and I feel like I could do better if I went on MDI but I don't want to. (I'm on a pump.)

I, too get angry with cancer and remission and am reminded that I don't have a cure. I was really mad during Nov, because everybody was 'breast cancer! do something' and no one cared about diabetes.

I'm sad that I waited too long to be able to go to D-camp... I'm 17 and the one near me only goes up to 16.

I'm also scared that I'll get complications because I don't have the best sugars... And I never test at lunch.

I sometimes wish my brother had it too, because he doesn't get it at all.

I'm kind of happy my cousin has it because I actually have somebody who knows exactly what goes on.

I really hate that so many people, almost MORE so in the D community, think that T2's have it easy, or COULD have it easy, if only they would .
I hate that people think T2's "did this to themselves".
I hate that people think they're different diseases when they aren't. For whatever reason, your body's insulin isn't working.. whether there isn't any or its just not doing its job, its the same thing.
Learn more before you claim to know what is and is not diabetes.

I am a T2 on insulin and I have lied and told people I am a T1 because its so much easier that way.

I resent that I have to eat a healthy diet now because after ten years of T1, I have married a man who just recently became diagnosed with T2 last week. Now I have to eat better so he will. I have to tell him no to foods he loves and I feel mean when I do.

T1 here, coming on 20 years this March. I'm 26.

I get really tired of the "don't let diabetes stop you from anything" or "don't ask for pity, because you don't need any, you don't have anything you can't handle" rhetoric. It's pretty useless to me. I never actually planned to let diabetes stop me from doing the things I've wanted to in my life, like graduating, getting the career I want, planning for a family etc.

But, there are days (and MANY of them) when I feel like my life IS different, and no one understands that because I have to hide it beneath this veneer of "I'm managing just fine despite this!"
Days when I'm trying to write a paper for school but I can't focus because the bad low the night before and the ensuing rollercoaster all day has left my brain feeling like I'm totally wasted. It's NOT the same for me as for everyone else. It's NOT an equal playing field. I WANT to feel sorry for myself. I can't say it to anyone without sounding like I'm fishing for pity that I don't deserve, because my disease isn't that serious, and others are suffering more, and I can treat my disease, and this and that.
I get so sick of having to act like it's hard, but I'm doing fine overall, just to make others feel less uncomfortable. I want to scream but I can't.

PS. From a T1 to T2s: I have total respect for what you're going through each day. I'm sorry for the accusations you have to deal with from ignorant people. NO ONE asked for this or did this to themselves. I'm sad that rhetoric still goes on, even in a place like this where we should know better.
Love to you all.

I am T1 and 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. I've been planning this pregnancy and preparing for over a year and a half. Doing BG checks 12-20 times a day and every night to get the control I want. My a1cs have been But... I am TERRIFIED of telling ANYone except my husband about this pregnancy, because I'm afraid of the judgment and questions I'm going to face.

I don't hide my diabetes, in fact, I'm a diabetes educator, but for some reason I want to hide this, and I hate that!

I fucking hate the movie Steel Magnolias and all the fear it instilled in me as a kid and teen.

I hate that I have less money than most people because I have to spend so much on medical supplies and medications. I hate that people assume I have T2 just because I'm not a size 2. I hate that I have insulin resistance as a T1 and take an insane amount of insulin especially compared to most other T1s. I hate my old doctor for treating me like crap and landing me in the hospital by changing my bolus ratio without telling me. And most of all I hate that I can't just up and quit a job, or even take one that might be better paying just because there might be some lag time with insurance. I also hate all the extra stress and worry it places on my husband and family. And most of all I hate that I want to have a baby so bad and that so many people take for granted how lucky they are that they can just get pregnant and not even think twice about it. I WILL get there and I plan to start trying in a couple of months. Diabetes is NOT going to ruin this for me!!!

I had a miscarriage last summer, and I've just had another. I wonder if diabetes played a part, and I feel guilty that I maybe did not do enough. I want a child with all my heart, but right now my heart is breaking

I think diabetes is a convenient excuse and gets blamed for too many things.

It sucks and it's scary but we make our own choice about how much we are going to let it control who we are.

Feeling alone. I've been dealing with the for nigh on fifteen years now. I'm twenty. It's the one thing that has defined me and I hate it for it. It's had more to do with shaping my life than just about anything except losing my Father. It's shaped my career choice and it never sleeps. It is my own sword of Damoclese. I cannot escape and for every time I forget it I get hurt by it in response. I can't get away and take a break as it doesn't sleep.

I am so desperately proud of being part of this community.

I feel constantly guilty about all the years I tried to pretend I wasn't diabetic. I feel guilty that I did that to my body and no amount of perfect blood sugars levels will ever be good enough to take that guilt away.

Thank you for showing me how deeply kind human being can be.

I'm 23 and fear not reaching my 40's or 50's with good health.

I fear getting complications anyway, after working on better control.

I'm working toward an a1c of 6.5 so I can have a healthy baby in a few years and I'm afraid of unforeseen complications, and what scares me the most is not being able to have 3 or 4 kids like I want.

Sometimes I just want it to go away. I don't have any T1s around me and never met one (yes, never!) and I feel so alone in this sometimes. Because you just can't fully understand it unless you have it.

Then I remember it's manageable and it's not a death sentence. And I look at my insulin pen as a weapon, not an intrusion.

I resent people judging me, ESPECIALLY if they know other T1s who aren't in their best management-mode right now.

I resent decision/policy makers who make life difficult for researchers. If you were affected by D, you'd pour in the dollars towards research for a cure.

And I deeply resent that insurance doesn't (yet??) cover pumps and even strips, in a country that has SECOND HIGHEST DIABETES RATE IN THE WORLD!

I get so upset and hurt when my friends think I am over-reacting about becoming pregnant and being a Type 1 D. They almost roll their eyes at me when I talk about trying to lower my blood sugars and the frustration that is always with trying to gain better control. I wish for just one day they would understand I am not over-reacting!

as a diabetic, type 2, i feel i am always blamed for being fat; and now for forgetting things; and not having the energy to be the mom i want to be. i hate it; i try so hard and then give up; and try again... trying doesn't do it.

One of my best friends has Type 1 diabetes. I remember in high school we used to get bags and bags of sweets everyday after school, giving her biscuits and cake we didn't want... Doing the same and then recoiling when she went into hospital for a few weeks.

Sometimes she doesn't take her insulin to make herself thinner and shes been in hospital twice. She drinks and she doesn't follow her diet or exercise. I'm scared she'll hurt herself. I'm more scared she'll die.

(And deep down I'm always worried, although I know it doesn't work like that, that i'll end up with it too)

growing up my stepmom was dx t2 diabetes and the only thing she changed was we switched to skim from 2%milk..now her eyes are going...i have a friend dx t2 a couple years ago and most of the time it is hard to tell...she still drinks sugar soda, eats sweets...doesn't worry about insurance and getting her insulin...i have hard time not hounding her about it like i did for a while....was that horrid of me? to lecture her? knowing it is by the grace of god that i don't have it?

My boyfriend was diagnosed with T1 diabetes almost a year ago. Last weekend, I had to take him to the hospital because his blood sugar was consistently high and he wasn't taking his insulin shots right. He was in the ICU, and it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. He dropped down to 91 pounds and looked like he was already dead. After all that, he is still stubborn about taking his insulin and eating right. What do I do? I can't force him. He's a grown man. But I can't watch him kill himself.

I'm terrified, too, that if I was in an emergency situation for more than a few days my diabetes would be a problem. And I'm also terrified that my pump is a turn-off to guys. I use my diabetes as an excuse when I'm late for work or too exhausted to go somewhere, but I also hate when low or high blood sugar gets in the way of the work I should be doing and the life I should be living. But is it weird that I'm glad other people have these same fears? I think diabetes is a disease of contradictions and self-recriminations. Maybe the only way to deal with the self-hate and fear is to recognize that we're not the only ones.

I'm borderline Type 2 and am so terrified of needles that I'm keeping my carbs below 90 a day. I do cheat every once in a while, but I don't want to have to do what so many of you have to do multiple times a day. You are all so much braver than me. I know it's a terrible disease to have but you're doing what you must to stay alive when you might not always want to. Sometimes I just want a piece of cheesecake but knowing that it could be enough to force me to need to take shots some day limits me to a spoonful of someone else's. My situation is genetic and I wonder how long I really can control it.

Maybe I'm ignorant or clueless or whatever, but I've never thought that someone having diabetes was a big deal. I mean, I realize how much of an impact it makes on a person's life (both my parents have, I believe, Type 1 now. Both started out with type 2 but it became type 1, I think.), but I don't see how it makes a person any less of a person. My parents are still caring real whole people, it's just another aspect about them. You know what I'm trying to say? I don't know. *shrug*

Maggie - You aren't ignorant, but you are wrong. Diabetes is a huge deal for people. for a PW type 1 diabetes, it can literally kill you at any moment if your blood glucose numbers go out of range. Long term damage includes kidney failure, blindness, amputation, organ failure of all kinds ... just because PWDs make it look easy (it's not like they're in a wheelchair so you KNOW they're sick) doesn't mean it is. Diabetes is so, so hard. My kid was diagnosed at the age of 10 and it's been five years and he's already had four seizures and I'm so afraid he won't make it through high school. Diabetes is serious. You aren't ignorant but it is such a big deal.

I don't know what's worse, when people overreact and care "too much", or when you act "so normal" they forget you have a disease in the first place.

I'm pretty well "controlled", I don't feel lonely or alone most of the time (though the comment above that talked about being two people - the one who sleeps badly and the one who handles it well in public, really hit home), but: if a supernatural being showed up one day and offered to anonymously take T1DM from me and give it to literally anyone else on the planet instead, including loved ones, I'm pretty sure I'd take it. In a heartbeat.

My brother has T1d and I have seen first hand my whole life what a terrible disease this is to carry. Every day when I wake up I pray that my brother has also woken up. There have been occasions when he hasn't. Everyday I also wish that I had this disease instead of him. I think anyone suffering from diabetes is a brave and amazing human being.

I am so SICK of comments from other people. I'm T2/1.5/in-transition. I'm on insulin. I have lows. I have a boss that thinks that because I go low, I must not need insulin anymore & am cured. Um, NO. I either couldn't eat everything I bolused for, or mis-calculated, or am having a LOW day in general through no action on my part at all.

He's an amazing boss in everything EXCEPT the D-front, but hearing a comment like that at least once a week makes me want to punch him in the junk!

Today marks the one month anniversary of my diagnosis. I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life like this. I resent the hell out of people eating cupcakes. I want to have a baby, but I'm afraid this disease is god telling me I'm not meant to be a mother after battling my husband's infertility for years. I don't know if I can live like this.

To all the Type 2s out there -- I was misdiagnosed as a Type 2 for a couple years, and I know the horrible things people say about T2s -- "You brought it on yourself," and all that nonsense. And doctors will resist treating you correctly, with the medications you need, because they're as prejudiced as the rest of the world. It's all bullsh*t, don't listen to them. You're a victim of the same disease, and we have to stand together to fight against it.

As for me -- my eventual, correct diagnosis was late- and slow-onset T1 (which some people call "Type 1.5"). I'm doing my best to manage it, but it's tough when my pancreas is less and less effective every month. I'm a young woman and I've always wanted kids, but I think I have to have them sooner than I otherwise would have, to make the pregnancies as easy as possible on myself and the babies.

I was lucky to have a childhood where I could eat normally. I miss that freedom.

I too am tired of people treating diabetes like it's no big deal. It's a huge deal. It will probably, in the end, cause my death in one way or another. It's a daily struggle, and I'm sick of people saying, "Well, it's not like you have cancer."

I fear I haven't been as supportive to my dad with Type 2 as I should be. =( I want him to live forever and I know he takes good care of himself but I'm still scared.

As much as I hate diabetes (T2 with an MIA pancreas), it did save my life.

I was for a routine diabetic exam about 9 years ago. My doctor noticed that I had a lot of moles and spots on me and sent me to the dermatologist "just to be on the safe side."

The dermatologist found an early stage melanoma on me that was safely removed.

If I had not been seeing my doctor regularly for my diabetes, we might not have found the cancer until it was too late.

But I still hate diabetes.

As someone living with Bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and PCOS I don't know what I'm going to do when they finally tell me I have diabetes. My meds have messed with my weight and insulin so much that it's only a matter of time until they tell me I'm type 2.

That kills me.

Both of my siblings have T1D and for a while doctors thought that I would get it, too. This disease has been very hard on my family. Over the years, there have been countless tears shed, thousands and thousands of finger pokes, and limitless worry; however, my family and I have found comfort in the possibility of making even the tiniest difference in the effects of Diabetes, or the Disease itself. That is the reason we have committed ourselves to educating our community about both T1D and T2D, and we have tirelessly worked to raise money that is given to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF), which is the only research organization that gives the majority of it's money to research about Diabetes.

I'm not saying that I never feel angry or resentful toward this disease, because that is far from the truth; however, this mission has given me and my family a productive venue through which we can funnel our feelings. If anyone has time, please take a look at Hope for a Cure Guild's website: http://hopeforacureguildorg.blogspot.com/
Though the organization may not be in your area, it may inspire you to take action and fight against this disease that has robbed so many of their lives or interfered with the way they wish to live. My warmest thoughts go out to all who have posted on this blog. When you're down, or you're asking "why me?!?," remember you're not alone. We are a community, and we need to stick together.

I'm thankful for a boyfriend who hears my pump beeping in the middle of the night - and wakes me up. I'm also thankful that he supports me, doesn't bug me or judge me for my "bad" food decisions, and is there when I get frustrated with the "forever" part of the disease.
I'm also thankful that he doesn't mind making adjustments for CGM sites and dangling pumps when we are being intimate. :-)

Like Kerri, I'm lucky to have a supportive partner and family/friends.

I love PostSecret. Thanks for posting this.

And booooo to all the ignorant diabetes-haters.

My sister has had diabetes for more than 10 years.

After 10 years, it has only just begun to destroy her relationship with my mother.

It breaks my heart to watch it happen... but I feel like there's nothing I can do.

Like M, I was incorrectly diagnosed with Type 2 because of my age (28) chubbiness (20 lbs overweight) and a long history of food issues. I can still remember being told my doctor that I "wasn't trying hard enough" while taking pills that had no possible way of helping me. I got sicker and sicker and all the doctor that was supposed to be helping me did was make me feel more guilty. So although I'm not one, in some ways I feel worse for T2s than I could ever feel for myself. I don't care what happened to you before you got it or what you ate - diabetes is NEVER your fault. If it was, every overweight/overeater/overindulger would have it.

In general, T1 diabetes has stopped people (especially doctors) from making me feel guilty, but they probably should - usually I only test once a day.

I wish I could take all of it away, bear it in my body so he wouldn't have to suffer. I want him to be happy more than anything, and this disease is taking that away from him. I wish u knew that if I could take it away I would in a heartbeat


pinky promise..

This has been a very refreshing and inspiring blog to read. Absolutely beautiful - especially when it's more common to see cure BS about diabetes than the background feelings you see here. Kudos everyone!

Of my 21+ years of being a T1Diabetic, the DAFNE course I did has been the BEST thing that has happened to me. What hurts though is this course never existed when I was diagnosed at the fresh age of 5. I'm 26 now.

Since doing the DAFNE course in 2009, it gave me the confidence to drive a car, ride a motorbike... stuff that I wanted to do ever since I was little, yet had my confidence snatched away because I convinced myself I would be a danger on the roads.

Words cannot describe how happy and free spirited the DAFNE course has made me feel now and, I think, forever. It has given me so much freedom back - I no longer live in fear of my condition - yet so late after my diagnosis, which is a huge shame but I cannot change the past.

Anyone who has been recently diagnosed and is able to take this course, you're so unbelievably lucky. Don't avoid at least trying it out, for your sake.

More information can be found here if anyone is interested (unfortunately it's UK based): http://www.dafne.uk.com/

I'm tired of my doctors trying to frighten me with possible complications of my T1 diabetes. I'm tired of people assuming that my diabetes is the result of my being overweight. I'm tired of being afraid that I won't get the child I've always wanted. I'm tired of listening to people who are new to diabetes whine about how hard it is when I've had to deal with it for almost twenty years (mean, I know). I'm tired of not being able to take a vacation from the constant checking, adjusting, food-watching, and guilt.

Mostly I'm just tired.

I'm 17 and I've had type 1 diabetes for eight years. I have more worries having read these comments than I did before. All the things that the doctors don't tell you.
One of my main worries is that I will have diabetes forever. Being diagnosed at age 9, I never really got to live much of my life without it. With diabetes you always have to be on the ball, always.
I avoid telling people at school about it because, like someone mentioned earlier, I don't want to be judged and pitied, and I don't like the assumptions people make.
Sometimes people know nothing about it and we just pretend it isn't there, I don't inject in front of them. Then there's the people (or their parents) that tell me there's stuff I can't do, whether they mean the best or not, I always feel like telling them that I'm the one that knows what I can or can't do. Surely if I've survived this long then I know what I'm doing.

My mum looks out for me, always checking that I've had my insulin or checked my blood sugar, and I do appreciate this. I can be very forgetful, but usually I'm okay. The thing that gets me is when they tell me off for forgetting something. They make it sound so easy. I struggle through this and I don't think they understand the emotional part. I try my best and I have good results for my ac1s, they don't need to tell me off as though I'm doing it on purpose. My mum always says "You have to remember to do..." and my answer's always the same "If I could make myself remember, I would."
In 2009 I suffered from severe depression, albeit briefly, but the moment I felt myself snap was when my dad said "You don't understand how serious this is, you will have severe complications" I do understand, I understand much better than him because it is happening to me. Not him, me. He doesn't understand at all, it's not his life in the balance, he doesn't suffer the way I do. I don't see him remembering I need to do my blood sugar, it's my mum who remembers.

Naturally, I wish I was "normal". That, on top of everything else life throws at me, I don't have to cope with diabetes.

To parents: You'll never truly understand the way your child feels. I know it sounds bad and I know that you suffer, too, but this will be following them around forever.

To those with diabetes: It's a challenge, as you know. There may be no light at the end of the tunnel but we must continue to live in hope that one day we will be cured and we can sit, sucking on sugar cubes, just because we can.

Don't neglect yourself for other people. In other words, don't be me.

I want my life back, but the happiest moments I've had are when I have completely forgotten about diabetes and been myself. Having read some of the comments I can tell you that it has changed who I am, not in a good way. I'm secretive, stubbornly independent and unemotional. This is me. This is diabetes.

Take care, all of you. x

I've been reading this blog for a long time and I've always found that when parents of T1 kids speak about their kids/fears/etc I get totally annoyed and feel like their trying to get attention for their kid's disease.

However, in reading these today I realized what my secret really is. I'm glad I was diagnosed with T1 as an adult because if I had been as a kid, guaranteed I wouldn't be here today. My mother would have sooner let me die than have anyone in the family get more attention than her. These other parents are fine - its just that I don't know what a normal parent looks like.

I've been diabetic (type 1) for close to 20 years, and am only 22 - suffice to say I don't know what it's like to be anything else, to not have to worry. It sucks. Every day in my life has a diabetic complication in it to a degree. When younger, I lived abroad, and my parents had to return to the UK to pick up the insulin I needed. I felt like a burden, and a chore. I also had hypos and was frustrated by the doctors who failed to notice that their set regime was what was causing it to begin with. Now, I'm a university student. These are the hardest days for my diabetes, and my hba1c levels show that, being about 9. I try hard, yet nothing seems to counteract the student life, even though I forego a lot of it. Living alone I am desperately afraid of not waking up again if I hypo overnight. I have several times been tempted to just let it all go, see what happens. Many people speak of long term complications - I'm already suffering from early stage neuropathy and I haven't had the chance to live properly yet, and I never got given a chance to fight this properly - at my young age, I have spent at least 50% of my diabetic years not understanding it due to being too immature. I fear that I will blame my parents for not looking after me better should complications progress... I know I will blame my father, who only recently spent 15 minutes berating me for taking up room in the fridge for my insulin when he needed it for Xmas. He ended with the phrase "Well it's not like we bloody need it". I have never felt so useless and degraded in my life.

I hate feeling like a failure, I hate not having even had the chance to fight this. I hate how nobody understands what I am going through. I hate being told "well at least it's manageable". I hate having a death sentence hanging over me. And I hate the fact that I may not live to the age where I could have kids, and if I do, I'm not so sure I would want to, for fear of passing this on. At least cancer lets you face your mortality - diabetes is the axe hanging over you, but you're never sure when it will drop. I wish I had somebody to go through this with me, like an AA sponsor. I wish people could know that I feel like this, but hey, I'm afraid of them knowing how deep down this affects me. I'm afraid of what they may think.

I don't open up to others because I'm scared once people find out I have diabetes, they'll run away because they don't want me to be an inconvenience to their lives and I'll be left all alone.

Everyone around me thinks I'm so strong for living a full and active life with this disease. Sometimes, I think I've deceived them. They don't know how many tears I shed, how many pillows I punch, or how much anger, frustration and fear I feel on a regular basis.

Sometimes, I get frustrated when people brag about how "awesome and amazing and kickass" their blood sugars are. I don't have a pump, or a CGM, and I do the best I can and still have an a1c of 7.7. I get upset when people talk for days about their 5.1 a1c. And then, when they have a rough couple days of high blood sugars, instead of understanding their struggle and providing support, I ignore them and think to myself "HA! That's what you fucking get. You aren't awesome." I hate being jealous :(

I ate a big chocolate dipped ice-cream cone tonight. Take that, diabetes.

I don't use sharps containers - all of my diabetes "trash" goes in the trashcan and gets picked up once a week with everything else, headed for the local landfill....

I think the fact that I grew up in and out of hospitals with severe asthma and allergies has prepared me to support my t1 husband and his physical, emotional, and mental health. We'd been together for 13 years and had 3 sons when he was dx'd in 2008 (age 31)
There's a balance: I don't get on his case if he eats a few sweets, and I cook d-healthy meals...I help him research meds and don't berate him if his a1c creeeps up. I don't know how diabetes feels, but I know how different feels. How helpless feels. How deathly ill feels. I will continue to support him, how he needs, to help him be as healthy as possible.

I've had T1D for 19 years now. I've lived in denial most of them. I now spend weeks in and out of the ICU in the hospital vomiting blood and unable to eat for days at a time because of gastroparesis. I know that I could be worse and have cancer or some other illness, but it pisses me off that these people sometimes can have two or three hard years of treatment and then go back to a normal life. It pisses me off there's no Susan G. Komen of diabetes. And it pisses me off that I don't have the courage to face this disease.

Beth K - please, please stop doing that. It's not fair to the people who pick up your rubbish - you may know you haven't got AIDS, hepatitis etc but they don't, and the waiting period to get tested for AIDS is six very long months. Use a sharps bin, for goodness sake. If I knew you I'd buy them for you.

My mother, aunt and maternal grandmother all died of Kidney Disease secondary to Diabetes. I watched my mom have dialysis for three years. It was torture for her. The techs treated the patients like garbage, and are only taught to interface with the machines. They would "punish" her for drinking too much water between appointments by refusing her ice chips during dialysis. Since the solution used is almost all salt, this was torture. Because she had early onset Alzheimer's, she forgot that her water was restricted.
If my kidneys ever fail, I'm just going to bypass dialysis and die.

I secretly wish I was diagnosed earlier than 15 so that I wouldn't remember life without type 1 so well. Also so that my parents could have understood better instead of me going through this alone.

I was diagnosed with T1 less than a year ago and I'm 18 years old. Reading all these comments reassures me that I'm not alone in this and I thank you guys so much. I try not to let diabetes control my life and I always hope that the doctors made a mistake with my diagnoses.. It really sucks not being able to tell anyone this.

I feel hopeless. I feel completely worthless and unable to take care of this disease. I try so hard and still, the random 300's or random 30's still pop up. I'm trying to not let this disease control me. It is relentless and unforgiving. Reading these secrets make me cry. I want to go punch a wall.

I wish that people would understand that I didn't do anything to get diabetes and dropping 10 pounds or running every day and only eating certain foods won't make it go away.
I wish that my mother wouldn't treat me like an invalid. I somehow made it through college, living on my own and having a baby. I think I can test my own blood sugar and determine if I need a snack.
I wish that though I know I can live a normal life with diabetes that more information on what is really happening with my body would be available and I wouldn't be considered strange for trying to understand.

I'm beginning to dislike T1's almost as much as they dislike me! Example posted on this site . . ."As a Type I diabetic I am very judgmental towards overweight/obese Type II Diabetics! Do not try to talk to me like we share the same experiences, because when all is said and done
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS OR CAUSE THIS!!!
This was not self-inflicted. You decided to let yourself go and you are reaping the consequences of your shitty choices. I was a healthy girl and I did nothing to deserve this!

Diabetes sucks!

Posted by: Anonymous | February 8, 2011 03:52 PM"

I didn't ask for my Type 2 either - and my painful neuropathy is just as agonizing as any T1's. I too have lows and rely on insulin. I also rely on handfulls of expensive pills and eyedrops and inhalers - just to go on living. Lots of people with lots of dibilitation diseases and conditions suffer just as much as or more than T1 diabetics - or T2 diabetics. Stop willowing in self-pity, and be grateful that there ARE ways of treating diabetes. In the not too distant past a diagnosis of diabetes was a sure death sentence. T1's didn't grow up. Period.

I ignore my daughter's alarms at night because I'm tired and want my husband to get up and deal with her diabetes for a change.

I argue with my daughter to take better care of herself but I KNOW I would be a horrible diabetic and would be out of control.

I have taken on being my daughter's pancreas as if it was my life's calling and another job I have to be perfect at. Is it because I'm obsessive, or because I love her?

I already consigned myself to being alone for the remainder of my days. I'm glad I was diagnosed at 27 with T1 so I could experience life and love. Now I see my future, lonely and empty. I put on a diabadass act for the world. But when I'm at home, alone, I sit and cry for hours. Everyone thinks I'm incredibly brave - the truth is I'm terrified and wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up.

People think I am so strong for living with this disease. I really am not, I cry and worry constantly. I'll be doing good with great a1c's then I'll slip and then it seems like it's just pointless. I worry that because of my lack of care in my early teens I won't be able to have children, and my boyfriend will leave me because of this.
I also fear that if I can have children, that they will get this awful disease and it will be my fault.
I fear that sometime when I am having an extreme low or an extreme high that my boyfriend will have no clue what to do with me.

Ultimately, I am afraid I won't grow old. Despite trying hard, I still feel like I won't make it, and there will be complications. Sometimes at night when I have lows I just go back to sleep and hope to slip away peacefully.

I put on a the brave front, but really I am nothing more than a scared child inside and my heart aches over this daily routine so much, that no one other than another type one would understand.

It pains me so much too when people tell me to just lose some weight and cure myself, or oh you don't look sick.

I am thankful there is insulin, and instant glucose testing, so I can have a life, but sometimes it just gets to me. Right at my soul, gnawing little pieces away.

I think it's hilarious when people who are unfamiliar with type 1 diabetes automatically assume I'm a druggy and addicted to heroin when they see me take insulin shots! After toying with their emotions (me - oh, the rush! the high! haha. them - I never would have guessed! You're better than this, Jenny!), I'll use it as an opportunity to teach those people about my inability to produce insulin :)

My son X has been diabetic a year on Feb 18 and he isn't even 2 yet. Not only will he be robbed of his childhood he was robbed of his babyhood.

I hate that people treat him and me like he's a leper.

I hate that my inlaws live 5 freaking miles away, but it's my mom who lives states away who has come to my rescue twice when I needed help.

I hate that when I was in labor with his little brother I was crying because I was worried about him. I wasn't crying because of the pain, I was crying because I didn't know what I was going to do when both of them cried at the same time.

I hate that when X arrived to where I was giving birth I told my husband to take care of him instead of staying with me while I was pushing my baby out. Lucky for me one of the midwives attending me has a T1D son too so she took care of him instead.

I hate that I felt like I couldn't breastfeed his little brother because of his D.

I hate that X can't talk yet and tell me when he's low. He's gone as low as 30 and almost passed out before I noticed.

I hate that if X isn't over 200 at night I'm terrified he's going to go low and die.

I hate that I'm scared that his brothers will get it especially his younger one. We almost lost X before the Dr's figured it out. Now whenever his brother is sick I use his BGM to check and make sure his sugar his normal.

I hate that when both X and R cry I have to always pick X first and make sure he isn't low.

I worry about having to watch him die if there's a natural disaster.

One thing I love though is my son and that he's alive. Everyday I see his smile and he's worth the worry and the hate and I have hope that he'll take good care of himself when he's big enough.

I'm sorry I didn't marry and have a child. I wasn't afraid to get married (but a beau rejected me because of T1 diabetes.) This really had a profound effect on me when I was in my twenties, and it is likely the reason why I never married.

I have convinced myself that I want to marry someone who is also T1 so that he will actually get it, but I really just don't think anyone without diabetes will ever marry me.

On a more positive note, you all have inspired me to go check my bs! Thanks.

I hate the fact that when I finally felt like I was treading water with my TI, my A1c was in the 6's, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. And everything went to sh*t.

Suddenly not only is my body a scary place, but the world is a really scary place because of gluten contamination. I hate the fact that when I am low I have to be extremely careful- I can't just eat my jelly beans, I have to bring the baggie to my lips so I don't accidentally touch my food with possibly "glutened" hands when I am in public, or I will end up having to deal with puking and being sick for days. Which wrecks havoc on my BGs, so I have been avoiding doing my A1c for the past year because I am afraid of what my number will be.

Sometimes I wish that my stepdad had been my father so I could have been healthy like my half-sister, instead of living with the legacy of my father's bad genes.

My father blames his diabetes for years of out of control anger and physical and emotional abuse, and when I am high and irritable I worry I am turning into him. He is going to die alone because no woman can stand to stay with him and I am going to be left taking care of him.

He has bad complications from 50 years of terrible T1 management. Both of his diabetic sisters died in their 30s from T1. I am pretty sure he has Celiac disease too, but he doesn't want to get tested because "he'd rather not know."

Sometimes I wish he'd hurry up and die so that I don't have to constantly be reminded of what is in store for me....

My life isn't all bad, and there are many things I am grateful for, but sometimes everything seems so overwhelming.

After 42 years of type 1, got type 1 in 1968 when I was 9, and now with complictaions, neuropathy of feet and hands, think about ending it all as lived for to long, then think sometimes am an experiment by the docs. and they will say " experiments finished your ok, and your pancreas is ok" sound like a kid at the age of 51, hate it when was worried when had kids, hate it when daughter recently had baby and all I kept asking are the tests on baby ok, hate it for the restrictions placed on you

sometimes, when my pump decides to randomly stop working at 4 in the morning I just leave till I get up 7 and deal with it then. I like to believe its because I'm lazy but truthfully it is just because I'm angry at the diabetes. On the flip side I decided to work in healthcare and took a job in an ED because at least I know should I ever pass out at work there are 50 people who know what to do. However, working in healthcare with people who arent always diabetes savvy to things like pumps and CGMs is a minefield. Some days I want to scream "what DO THEY teach you in medical school about T1 diabetes?!?!" Thanks for letting me vent 17 years is a long time to let things build up....

I resent the 40lbs I've put on since I got my pump.

I don't tell any of the people I work with that I have diabetes. I don't them to judge me when I eat lunch in front of them.
I am afraid that I'll get complications and be a burden to my kids.

I fear dying young. I turned 30 this year and that scares me.

My husband is deploying in a week, and I will be all alone for 6 months. What if I have a low in my sleep and nobody is there to wake me?

I hate to admit this to all of you who actually have D--but I wish I had it too. My dd was dx'd at 4 and she's 8 now and I hate that she has this alone. That doesn't even make sense, since obviously my having D wouldn't take it from her, much as I wish it every day.

I occasionally feel okay my blood sugars are in control, but when they aren't I often think of ending my life. I just hate the emotional stress of diabetes, and I get so jealous of all of my healthy friends. I see them enjoying life and know I will never be able to feel the same way. What's worse is that I was diagnosed at 3, so I've never known anything other than this prison, which I'm in for a life sentence.

I'm Type 2, diagnosed 15 years ago during pregnancy, the baby came, but the D stayed!! I've been insuling dependant for 3 years now. I hate that I had this huge appointment with a new endo today to talk about a pump and was told that I have to basically prove that I am compliant enough to qualify. I have to make sure I test four times a day, only eat 45 grams of carbs, use my new sliding scale (which now starts at a base of 20 units), start the metformin (which kills my stomach), and fax my blood sugars in weekly, for a month. This will show that I am compliant with my plan and can handle a pump. I hate that this implys that I'm not trustworthy, I mean really, other than the new meds, I'm already doing all this! Just give me the pump, for God's sake! It's really more of an insurance requirement, but I'm just so tired of it all. I hate that my A1c is 12! Freaking 12! I also hate that neither my sister, brother, or mom have called to see how the appointment went. They don't get it and don't care to try.

I wish I had T1 because I'm so afraid of getting T2. I'm at a huge risk for it and I prefer T1. It sounds so stupid and I'd never say it out-loud.

I also have been obsessed with the technology for diabetes for absolutely forever and I want to try some of it out.

Thanks for letting me say this, Kerri. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's true and the weight of these secrets was crushing me.

Please dont judge me I feel so guilty. But I am so scared that if there is a cure for diabetes I will be left out. I had my pancreas completely removed when I was 17. I feel like all of the normal T1/ T2 diabetics will be cured and I will be left behind. There will be no more pumps or new advancements made and I will be stuck by myself!

I too resent being T1. I hate hearing all the different ways people pronouced "diabetes". or the "Oh you have SUGAR!" They say "He can't have that" like you're not there. It gets very frustrating. I've been a pumper for a little under a year. BUT hang in there everyone. I've been a T1 since age 20 and that's over 30 years now. I have 3 great kids (16,20 and 23)none have the Beaties. I have some complications with floaters and numb and tingly feet. I exercise regularly and workinghard at getting my A1C below 8. We all just need to keep on working at it. We are all a big family so keep on blogging everyone

My mother had gone back to university and was in her second or third year of a CS degree when I was diagnosed at the age of 10. She dropped out to take care of me and never went back. I only found out when I was 25 or so. It brings me to tears when I think about it.

I hate that everytime I go to the doctor, I get so nervous I actually throw up (hopefuly before or after and not during!) I hate how I went to get my eyes checked today and I was shaking and holding my breath the entire time, wondering if this was the time that, after almost 30 years of T1 diabetes, I would be told I was going blind. I hate that I worry each day whether I'm going to be able to work next month or next year, how I don't really make career plans because my future feels so uncertain at times. I hate the copays and costs associated with T1 diabetes. I hate the emotional rollercoaster this disease keeps me on. I hate that T1 diabetes dictates so much of my life and has to be factored into every single decision I make. I hate that sometimes, when I'm alone, I just cry because it is all so overwhelming. I hate that no one, even my wonderful spouse or my awesome parents, can truly understand what having this disease means, how it's not just as simple as taking a shot and eating "healthy." I hate what diabetes has robbed me of, and how it's given me so little in return. I hate that T1 diabetes took my father's life. I hate that T1 diabetes is probably going to take my own life, regardless of how well I take care of myself now.

When I was diagnosed at the age of 11, I was extremely overweight so my doctors just assumed I was T2. I spent my entire childhood being blamed for my diabetes, and being told that it would all go away if I'd lose some weight.

Ten years later I did lose the weight, and it didn't go away. It was then that the doctors tested for antibodies and correctly diagnosed me with T1.

Worse than years of guilt, was the way my parents reacted. They saw the test results, but refused to believe them. They insisted that I just need to lose more weight, and I would be fine. No amount of convincing would sway them.

That was a couple of years ago, and I haven't forgiven them. At this point, they seem to forget i have diabetes, and I no longer want to forgive them.

I hate that I'm so scared of developing T2, and that I'm so young and at such a high risk of getting it.

I hate how it isn't my fault that I'm overweight (even though I don't look it).

I hate how, on bad days, I want to test every fifteen minutes because I can drop so low so fast and for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

I hate that I don't have diabetes, but everyone assumes that I do because I test my blood sugar.

I hate how I don't know anyone else with my condition.

I hate that I'm so used to lows that I don't freak out about them anymore. And that people think they aren't a big deal just because I don't go nuts when I'm low.

I hate that I consume unnecessary calories by eating candy all the time.

I hate that I can never really predict what my BG is gonna do on any given day.

I hate that I love my endocrinologist but hate his office.

I hate that I need to get a note from my doctor to be able to carry food with me when I go to Six Flags because they don't allow any outside food in their stupid park.

I hate that my PCP doesn't want to write the aforementioned note because he doesn't think it's necessary.

I hate that I hate my PCP.

And I hate that no one takes my condition seriously because there are no medications for it and I only deal with it by testing my BG and eating "right", whatever that means, since that term is permanently screwed up in my mind.

My son was dx at age 6 and now is 16. I constantly fear that I don't and can't do enough for him. I also worry that I won't be able to ever go back to "normal" when he grows up and moves away-and no longer needs or wants me to partner with him in managing his T1D. I've spent the last ten years helping him grow to be independent of me, how will I learn to be independent of the need to take care of him?

I used to take extra insulin before bed in the hopes that I would go low enough to have a seizure, and not go to school the next day.

I hate it when my friends remind me to check "my sugar" and constantly ask me if I'm ok, even though they mean the best.

I hate having to explain T1 to people, and then hear that their grandparent died from "complications with the disease".

I hate calling it a disease.

My son was diagnosed as a T1 when he was 4 years old, and is now 6. He was diagnosed with celiac disease Nov. last year. He is such a bright child, inquisitive, and brave, dealing with the finger checks, insulin injections, and the "cant't have that unless you get an injection" routine. And in addition to counting carbs, he can't have the usual breads, cakes, birthday party stuff, etc. because of gluten sensitivity.

My wife and I deal with this as his parents, and spend the sleepless nights checking for lows or highs, and worrying about the long term complications that EVERYONE ON THIS BLOG are dealing with. We have the fears, the hopes, and the dreams for our little man as every parent has for their child. The desire to give him a life as full and as "normal" as possible is our mission. He acts, plays, dances, sleeps, and cries as any normal 6 yr old boy would do, and we will do everything possible to see that he continues to have a normal life.

The point of all of this is that my wife and I are C's parents. We have had our lives forever changed, we have the expenses, we have had the dietary modifications to make, and have had to change travel plans. And we have to deal with relatives who are insensitive or non-caring to our son's issues.

We are inconvienced, tired, a little less flexible in who we can socialize with, and a little more broke because of expenses. But we don't have diabetes, our son does. He is the one who has to deal with diabetes for the rest of his life.

Everyone of you who have blogged are HERO'S who fight daily for life and for the future. YOU are in the trenches every second of every day for life. No days off, no vacations, no sleeping late, no eating "normal" because of diabetes. YOU are the inspirations to my wife and I, to be strong and involved for our son.

The fears, emotions, peer pressure, resentment, feelings of second class person, and all that he will face, drive us to show him and teach him that he is not alone, and that he is stronger and more special than "normal" kids.

Non-diabetics can't understand what you go through, and for the most part are ignorant about diabetes. We won't let our son be beaten by others, and we won't let diabetes beat him either.

God bless and keep all of you. Stay strong and fight on, because my son is fighting every day for the rest of his life, too.

I hate that my T1 diabetes is always on my mind. I can never fully clear my mind without being reminded, "Did I bolus for lunch?", "I should have eaten the salad instead of the sandwich."
I hate how this disease makes me feel like no one fully understands me and the personal battles I face everyday.
I hate how I had to run off and get married in a courthouse on June 23 so my insurance would kick in on July 1st because I had no insurance...(I have now been married for 3 years and love him dearly!)
I secretly hate how diabetes is diabetes...no one makes a distinction between the 2 and think that if you would just eat right and exercise everything would be ok...but no my body has failed me and there is nothing I can do about that.
Because I am overweight, many assume I am type II...I want to scream and say NO! You try to manage weight when having to pump up so much insulin!
Yes diabetes has influenced me in good ways (becoming a RN as my career choice, marrying a man who loves me unconditionally), but at the same time, I curse living with this awful disease on a daily basis!!!

My husband posted earlier about our young son having Type One diabetes and I want to echo his comments and add a few additional of my own.

I wouldn't trade my little guy for anything in the world and I cannot imagine life without him, ever. Yes, I wish he didn't have diabetes and celiac disease (and potentially anything else these autoimmune disorders throw his way) but I would gladly take these things in lieu of not ever having known him. How as a parent do I let him know how special he is? I know I don't have the disease(s) and maybe it seems easy for me to say "I would take these things" because he may grow up to feel as though he has somehow been cursed and wish he were never born. I want to make sure he understands that he isn't a burden, rather such a very special blessing. He has brought joy and laughter and silliness, and yes tears. He has made me a stronger and more sensitive person.

I cried so many tears while reading the posts all of you have written, especially those of you who feel you are a burden to the people you love or hate your disease so much you think of ending it. It is just so sad because I don't ever want my son to feel that way and I hate there is anyone in the world who does. Everyone is a gift from God.

For those of you who felt your parents empowered you, how did they do it? Am I doing the right things with my son? Am I loving him enough? Am I becoming overly involved with diabetes foundations and trying to raise awareness or fighting for a cure....am I focusing too much on these things rather than on just living life? I question everything I do and I throw blame at myself if his A1c is too high. He is only 6 years old.

I, too, get the stares when we give an injection in public. I get the nasty looks when someone knows he has diabetes and sees me giving him an ice-cream treat and looks at me with disgust. I had a mother ask me if I fed my son too much candy when he was little and that is why he got diabetes. I had a close family member tell me that I needed to get a grip on his celiac disease and not be so defensive 3 months into his diagnosis because I asked for some compassion when dining out with family and everyone sat around us eating as normal.

Do I miss getting a full nights sleep without setting multiple alarms? Yes. Do I hate having to figure out carbs with every meal I make? Yes. Is it really that big of a deal to me though? Not at all, because I am doing it for my son to keep him healthy and I would do anything for him.

I hate many of the things
so many of you expressed you hated too, but I agree with things other parents have written about loving their child, wanting to give them their pancreas or take their disease for them. If only...the infamous words.

I read something recently about someone wanting to make a 3rd type of diabetes, type 1-1/2. That is for the parents of caretakers of people with diabetes. This angers me and I will fight to see it doesn't happen. We don't have to get the multiple finger pricks day after day after day. We don't have to get the injections day after day after day. We don't know the feelings of being high or low. We don't know the internal struggle or the fears. We don't hear all the comments. We can only imagine.

I just want to be the best mom I can be to my Type One diabetic son and I am not sure I know how. I have met so many wonderful people through him having this disease. At 48 years old, diabetes has taught me that there are so many things in life that really don't matter and you shouldn't sweat the small stuff. I still think my son can be anything he wants to be in life. I want him to feel strong and brave and very, very special because he is.

I wish instead of this being a week long blog that maybe it remains continuous because there have been so many emotions that need to be released from individuals living with diabetes as well as the parents and spouses feelings. Maybe we could all share our experiences or feelings with each other and help each other through this.

I wish I could hug each of you that feel you are a burden. Please don't because you are so, so special. You are brave, courageous and strong...more than anyone can understand. We need to raise awareness, we need more compassion, we need people to understand the seriousness of the disease and it needs to be as important as any other disease out there, we need to find a cure and ways to make life better until then, we need to rename Type One and Type Two diabetes to distinguish that they are two totally different beasts, and we need to stand united and fight this fight together.

God bless each of you.

My husband and I have had trouble conceiving. We get our results for his fertility test tomorrow and part of me hopes the problem lies in his body because I'm so tired of secretly feeling like the weaker link. The countless appointments (and the subsequent guilt) I've had in order to meet and maintain the safe pre-pregnancy A1Cs for the past two years has been exhausting. I feel jealous of his seemingly easy ride through the process and I don't know if I can take another hit at my body's inadequacy.
Thank you for letting me get that out.

I hate my daughters school for treating her T1 so casually. For making us both feel like we are over-reacting. For not providing sufficient support so I can get a job so we can pay endless medical bills. I hate having to ask my parents for money because we can't live on one income and pay for all the supplies that keep my daughter alive.

Fuck you Type 1 Diabetes!

I hate how you made my pancreas dysfunctional and therefore make me feel dysfunctional. I hate how you refuse to let my body produce my fat-storing hormone and therefore make it 10x harder to control my weight. I hate how you have the same common name as Type 2 and therefore make me be judged so fast, my head spins. I hate how you give the impression of an easily manageable disease to those that don't understand it. I hate that you AREN'T that easy to manage! I hate how you made my ex-boyfriend feel like HE was being judged when I was doing a shot at a restaurant, which led to our breaking up. (yes, i know that doesn't quite make sense, but it's still your fault!) I hate you, Type 1 Diabetes, with all the fibers of my broken pancreas.

But you SHALL NOT WIN. I have suffered with you for almost 25 years but you will not win. I will continue to fight no matter how hard the struggle. I will eat right, i will exercise, and i will get my A1c lowered, despite your evil plan. You may be a part of me, but you do not define me. I am the wonderful person that i am not because of you, but IN SPITE of you. Someday, and someday soon, you will finally see-

YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.

I hate that I look forward to not having to count carbs for my other kids while my daughter with T1 is at school.

I can't afford to be a diabetic.

I'm tired of diabetes, and tired of managing it...so I ignore it. I don't test my blood sugars or take my insulin like I should. I've avoided going to the doctor and having my blood work done because I'm scared of the results. I hate being lectured by doctors and nurses who can't possibly understand what it's like to live with this disease. I've walked 13 years in these shoes, and you will never understand no matter how much "know" about diabetes unless you have the disease yourself.

I am going to the Dr's today for my D check up. These appts stress me more than paps. Been D1 for 30 years and I hate it.
I hate checking Blood Sugars
I hate thinking about having a "back up" snack" all the time.
I hate when my pump insertion bends and I get high blood sugars.
I hate feeling like anything I do will not be good enough.
I hate I have no control...
After all that, I think I would hate dying more, so I just do what I have to and move on....still hating it!

I hate when I try to talk to family about my diabetes and they can't stop what they are doing for one minute to listen to me...I mean really listen to. Yeah maybe you listened last week but I still have the disease today and will have it tomorrow and the next day...why do you think you should get a break from listening...I don't get a break from having it.

Diabetes isn't that bad. Or maybe i'm missing something after having it 6 years?

i hate that my parents are always saying they wish they had it instead of me. well you know what, i'm glad it's me and not them. i'm glad there's atleast something about me that i don't have in common with them.

I love that my diagnosis with diabetes almost six years ago has made me realize what I was meant to do in life. But I hate that at the age of 20, I have to worry about so much more than the rest of my friends at school. I feel like I can't balance college, working, and diabetes successfully, and I tend to push diabetes to the side because of it, leading to many highs...and taking exams with high blood sugars is rough, but I feel like it's easier than having to explain myself to professors that don't understand.

I'm scared about what diabetes will do to me complication-wise. I'm scared that I'll never find that one guy who will accept me for not only me, but my diabetes too.

Also, I've been reading all of these D-blogs for years, but I've been too scared to make one myself...

My 9 year old daughter is T1D and I put on a brave face most of the time, but sometimes......I'm scared

Started insulin this week...and I hate how scared I am. I feel like a failure. I hate this. I'm only 25 yrs old, and I'm scared to death.

I have read many of the posts and to all who feel judged, shameful, scared, angry, depressed, alone - I am NOT judging you for being overweight, a smoker, a "bad" diabetic etc. because I have my weaknesses too - every body suffers and everybody has weaknesses and strengths - they just don't always wear their weaknesses on the outside for everyone to see. I have been t1 since age 12 (28 years - wow!) and I am happy and healthy, have a great husband and kids, but it hasn't always been that way. Frankly I am waiting for the bomb to drop and get diagnosed with complications or worse. My life has not always "seemed" so perfect - I have made plenty of mistakes and given in to my weaknesses and felt extreme shame and guilt for it, but now I know it is ok to be less than perfect - we are all in this struggle together - KNOW THAT PEOPLE DO CARE and are not judging - I am one who is not. My life looks perfect on the outside and people probably envy me, but I have terrible pain, struggles, memories that few know about. So be careful when judging the seemingly "perfect" people too - we are not all judging you AND WE MAY BE JUST LIKE YOU - just not on the outside. So take care of yourself and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. For every person that makes rude comments there is a person who cares. I hope this makes sense - sometimes I blabber!!

This is the first time I've ever posted to a blog. I have been a diabetic for almost 50 years. I feel fortunatel to have all the technology of today. When I was a kid, no glucometers, beef and pork insulins and glass syringes. Today, control can be achieved with the glucometer and proper basil/ boluses, no this doesn't make the dease anymore tolerable , but it's still there. I'm going to try and put a link into my writing about my daughter and how people do care about the person with diabetes.
http://casperstartribune.net/articles/2008/08/02/news/casper/doc4895399bea4f2490768859.txt

Hope this story has value to those of you with concerns.

Not to be cliche but does any else find that becoming a T1 as a young adult destroyed that feeling of "immortality"? That all of a sudden "death" is so close and we are so "weak". Whatever ambition I might once have had...destroyed. I don't think its depression, I don't feel bad per se--however, I don't feel like much in the world hold much meaning.

As a side, does anyone else find that diabetes is a disease that doctors chastise and judge you for. I agree with others that as a diabetic I am treated as though all of this I brought on myself. In the end, maybe we'll find that I did.

I am thankful for getting the serious diagnosis of Type 1. It has taught me to appreciate life and make the most of every single day. To never take health for granted. To give me a cause to fight for. To help me find my passion. I don't tell anyone because no one would understand.

I resent the fact that people think T1, and T2 are the same, they are not (but I know that T2's did not bring it on themselves either).
I worry that when I have kids they will inherit T1.
I miss Maccy D's strawberry milkshakes.
I hope my bloods are always as under control as they are now, and that diabetes won't ever rule my life, it hasn't so far.

YOU SUCK applies to all the people that ask my beautiful, graceful, kind hearted, brave warrior of a T1 9 year old daughter "can she eat this??" and "I bought sugar free" for her..........it makes me CRAZY how much people do not understand! And I refuse to fill her body with artificial sweeteners and sugar free crap!!!

I'm a first year medical student, and I have been diabetic for 11 years. Today, I was told NEVER to say that a patient is "epileptic" or "diabetic" or anything "ic". I couldn't disagree more. I am where I am because of this stupid disease. That doesn't mean I don't want a cure. It means I recognize that my life is a journey, and diabetes is such an important part-- for the good reasons, the bad reasons, the sad reasons... the reasons that keep me up at night asking God "why?!?" when I am low or high and too upset with it all to go back to sleep. We must own this disease before it owns us. We must be strong. We must own our ic with pride, strength, and hope.

I want to melt down sometimes when people I've known for 10 years ask me if I still have diabetes. And "Can you eat this? You know you shouldn't. It has sugar in it." STFU.

I'm also scared that I won't ever find anyone to love me. Most women see a pump and completely miss the person it's hanging from.

my diabeties has made me the person i am today, still hurts when people say "sucks to be you" though.

My boyfriend and I both have Type 1 (it's a huge part of how we met and fell in love) and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the thought of our children having diabetes scares me to death!!

when my son was recently diagnosed, i began reading everything about diabetes. one of the first terms i came across in the diabetes dictionary was 'bolus'....i was cracking up when i realized what it meant! i kid you not, when the nurse in the hospital was flinging all those fancy new terms at us and repeated 'bolus' a billion times, i swear i imagined a mini bong or something. i remember she said, "there are times he is going to be high. he is going to feel high. that is when the bolus comes in." so i pictured my 8 year old 'high' with a mini bong in hand and thought "wow! this modern medicine is wild!"
i AM happy to report that after a mere 4 months with this disease, if it is diabetes related, then i KNOW IT! i joke around with my son and tell him i will be receiving my PHD in the mail any day now.

our new family motto: we will 'DIE-or-Beat-this'

i cannot have all the answers. i cannot fix everything. and i will not be saving the world. BUT i will SMILE. there are far too many reasons to be upset to pass up any opportunity to smile.

Starting a new job that you hate because of the job itself, poor management and lack of training plus working under constant stress with all this isn't showing great BG numbers at all and then that in itself pisses me off because now my health is also in danger. Amazing since we look so healthy we get no "sympathy" for how we're actually feeling and the depression we are going thru on a daily basis. Is that taken into consideration at all? Hell no.

I was diagnosed as 1.5 when I was 35. Now I'm 40 and just went on the pump, left my husband a year ago and am trying to adjust to a new life with my daughters (50%). I'm trying to make food my friend and rebalance my life with my new best friend even though we live 2000 miles apart.
I struggle with being pissed off at my parents who are both type 2 and in denial, eat whatever the heck they want and yet act as if I'm some martyr. I try to let it go and just lead by example but it's hard. They get a choice. I don't.

My secret is that I cry a lot because of my disease. I worry about how my A1C now will affect college, my career, if I can get into vet school, and my future family. I get mad at my friends and family who think they know what having diabetes is like. I want to scream at them, at the world, for not realizing how we need support too. I know it's not right, but I refuse to participate in cancer awareness things because I'm jealous that diabetes doesn't get the attention it deserves. Every 3 months when I have a doctor appointment, I know my day will suck. And then I feel like a spoiled brat, because I can live a "normal" life. I just want to be a normal teenager. I hate when I get low in class. I hate having to tell referees that I am a diabetic before a soccer game. I hate telling teachers in the beginning of the year that I am a diabetic. I hate that being a diabetic can define me. But most of all, I hate that diabetes is the one thing that can scare the shit out of me, and I have limited control over.

I hate when people call minute illnesses like a cold or strep a disease. It pisses me off that they have the right to call something so simple and lame a disease when I get to live day-to-day with a real DISEASE. I hate when people complain about getting a shot or finger prick. MAN UP, because if you're fishing for sympathy, you aren't getting it from me.

i was diagnosed at age 20, a little over 12 years ago. and i have had a pump for 10 years. i was in the best shape of my life.
i hate the stereotypes.
i hate that i have no real friends with this disease that i can talk and really relate to me.
i hate the fear that my 2 baby girls will one day be diagnosed.
i hate that i am scared to go to the dr...that he will tell me more stuff is wrong and that the consequences of the disease have finally hit my little body.
i hate that writing about this now is making me cry.
i hate feeling sorry for myself.
i hate waking up low at night.
i hate that some days i don't care and i eat whatever i want (even though i do take the insulin to cover it)
i hate that i want to be low so i can feel ok about eating something sweet.
i hate that everything has to be so negative with type 1 because it is not all bad...in my 12 years of being diagnosed, i have had no serious scares or problems, i have had 2 very healthy pregnancies and babies. my A1c is always in the 6s. most of the time i do eat what i want. God is in control of my life and He is taking care of me. that is the only way i know i can live with this. I am not mad at God b/c this is how i have to live. i know He uses it to make me stronger, to increase my faith in Him. i do hate the disease though...and am sick of dealing with it most days, just praying i make the most of the time i am here. i hate reading all these comments that are so depressing and negative. i know what you are going through, but if you are looking for hope and some peace in life, please look to God. seek Him and you will find peace.

I've been type 1 since 2 years old, that's now 34 years I've been on MDI.
I feel cross that I don't know what it is like to be able to sleep in for just one morning of my life without it disrupting my sugar levels.
I feel frustrated that people think you are just not being careful if you are hypo or hyper.
I get upset that I can't be cross without my family excusing it on disrupted sugar levels! (Even though that is always the cause).
I feel annoyed that I can't have a full social life as I just don't have the energy.
I feel cross that I have to hide taking injections or doing sugar tests when eating out with friends, as it makes them uncomfortable. I also have asthma and no-one minds me taking a puff of my inhaler, so why discrimate with the diabetes?
Then when I feel these things I feel cross with myself: my burden is much less than what other people have to put up with in life, so the guilt trip starts.

I'm 59. Most of my 43 years of D I was able to keep my spirit free - You know, had a lot of courage and launched big for stuff I cared about, D-be-damned.

6 years into pumping now and what makes me so sad is that I've come to have diabetes even when I'm dreaming. Dragging some bewildered cast of characters along: I can't find my insulin and all the pharmacies are closed or I'm low and can't find glucose... always the scene is infused with a feeling of desperation. I wake up and wonder if I've really given up that completely. Sad.

30th Diaversary in 2011, dx @ age 15 (makes me 45 years old).

I've experienced almost all the feelings described above at one point or another during my 30-year journey. Many of them have changed with time (thanks, in part, to the support of a good psychotherapist).

I eventually married (late), went through infertility hell, and adopted a beautiful baby. I've had to change career plans, give up things I loved due to complications (mine are all mostly tendonitis-related -- trigger fingers, carpal tunnel, frozen shoulder, etc.), but also found new things to replace them with, and found I could be more resilient than I'd ever imagined when I was deep down in the hole.

I guess I'm saying I've survived the loss, trauma, anger, pain, suicidality, and eventually kept on going, and often got to a better place. There is hope.

Fears: Will I be here for my child? Will I end up on dialysis like my T2 aunt? Will more autoimmune illnesses force me to change my lifestyle yet again?? Will I develop heart disease like my non-d father? (I have a double/triple-target on my chest...)

Guilts: Making bad choices, bingeing, eating too much, not counting carbs, blowing off the whole cgm route bc I hated all the beeping; not working hard enough to "control" the dang d; everyone saying I'm so healthy and eat so well who don't see the crap I eat when I'm alone....

Nagging persistent self-doubts I try to heal in myself: broken, damaged goods, something wrong with me/who I am, will never fit in, am bad, unlovable; and will always feel, in some way, deprived....

I say that I want to give my doctor[s] a chance, but typically I ignore their advice because they don't seem to know anything about what i'm doing with my pump and CGM. They want to make changes that I know aren't going to work...and I let them talk, leave and do whatever I know is going to work. I've had diabetes for 23 years and the longer I have it, the less patience I have for doctors.

I'm a 18 year old college student that has ha diabetes since I was 1.
People don't understand how much work goes into this.
I don't take care of myself and I know it.
It's so easy to pretend like I'm a normal teenager and ignore my pump on my hip.
My boyfriend talks about how he wants to spend forever with me and part of me wants to tell him I don't have forever to spend...
Sometimes I think that taking the easy way would just be best.

I have had T1D for 11 years now (diagnosed when I was 12) and I feel like the odd one out on this board, because I don't feel like my life is ruined. I am happy, healthy, married, and in the process of starting a family. Diabetes never has held me back from doing anything I wanted to, and I feel in control of my life and my disease. I am proud to be diabetic, and I wear my pump with pride. I am not ashamed to test my blood anywhere and everywhere and I just say 'I'm diabetic' if anyone notices. Don't let it hold you back everyone! Embrace it! I know some days SUCK and make no sense, and sometimes I want to throw my blood checker against the wall because I did everything perfect and then a super high number pops out of nowhere, but it's fixable, just bolus it away.

SMILE everyone :)

I hate the Endo who told me to take my usual fast-acting insulin 1 hr before my caesarean - causing repeat lows for 12 hours after the birth of my daughter.
I hate the Endo who told me nothing about dosage adjustment - for 18 years! No wonder my A1C was always crap.
I hate the GP who told me diabetes was easy to manage (she has family members with diabetes, so of course she KNOWS) and then told me to eat the SAME food every day!!! No problem.
Where can I find an Endo and GP with T1D who does actually know how hard it is to manage TID?

I resent the fact that I've been a type 1 now for 18 years (dx @ 13) and neither of my parents took any interest at all. Now, my mum has been diagnosed with type 2 and both my parents can't stop going on about it, like she's the only one that has it. Why didn't they take care of me and teach me how to look after myself while I was growing up.
But, I do the good daughter thing and help where I can, even though they never did that for me. I love them both but resent them at the same time. Its hard work.

ya this is late but:
i'm 14 and I let diabetes sound like no big deal at school, (my (hopefully) future boyfriend seems fine with it :) a little worried but okay?)but really i think why me? and sometimes i think about how i should be dead. ya this is nerdy, but I couldn't survive the hunger games lol. I'm getting a pump this summer and considering a blog. My A1c after being diagnosed was around 11 and two months later its 7.3 yay!
Thank goodness its me, no matter how much i hate it. My friends have always laughedat my healthy eating, and i always have an a in math. But now i want to help someone, not just watch people die. Type 1 D has really given me perspective in my life. But I'm worried that someday I can't fall in love or have a baby or I cant have lab puppies always around (so cute but my poor pump) So its okay. And I am getting a little sick of needles. And juice. Okay, my post is finally done. :)

My son was diagnosed in December 2011 at 4 years old. 4 years old!!! Are you kidding me. No child should have to deal with this...no person should have to deal with this. I am resentful at the loss of innocence for him...daily finger pokes, insulin injections, counting carbs & talking about his meal plan. We are adjusting well as a family because it really does take a family to manage a child with type 1 diabetes. I refuse to let diabetes "win" and I will do everything in my power to support my son in all aspects of his life. I am not embarrased to do bgl checks in public and I try to give gentle education to those who question what we are doing or are curious. But sometimes when I'm alone I could just weep over the unfairness of it all. Thanks for letting me vent. I really appreciate those who have shared their stories (both success & frustrations); you are an inspiration to a mom who is trying to take diabetes on one day at a time.

i am type one and i am afraid my son will end up with it too...and if he does i think my husband would leave us.

I'm scared that no guy will ever want to go out with me because of my type 1 diabetes.
I'm scared that I won't ever be able to have my own children.
I'm seventeen and never had a guy even show a little interest.
I'm scared that I won't be able to get my driving license because of my diabetes.
I don't want to die for it because then I will just be an example of a person who didn't take care of themselves and no one will remember me for the person I really am instead of the awful things I did and how it destroyed my own life.
I don't want my kidneys to be damaged and every time my back hurts or ache it scares the crap out of me.

I want to marry this one guy I have met several times and talked to, I feel like he sort of gets my diabetes even though we are technically friends. I want him to ask me out but since he hasn't I think I will ask him out ha ha.He has asthma and even though it is not the same (he told me that, thank God cause I might have punched him in the face if he didn't)for that one second I thought at least he could sort of relate to having to sit out some times.

When my mom tells me she wishes it was her that had the diabetes inside I wish it was her instead of me.

I frequently dilute my blood to make my numbers lower.

I don't eat anything with carbs about three days before my endo appiontment and bolus anyways so I have a better chance at a good A1c

I want to have sex but afraid to because of my diabetes

I hate the firstpart of the school year because everyone asks those stupid questions. One day I will stand up in my desk and say something about my diabetes so everyone will leave me alone. Go to hell the d

I recently was stranded in an elevator with a few friends. As a joke my big brother, who was in there with us, asked "Who do you think will die first if they never get us out of here?"
I immediately spoke up and said, "Me, of course."
Not a word was spoken for the next 45 minutes.

I think the hardest part about being diabetic is forgetting about it. I forget about having it, and don't take care of myself; and the people around me forget about my having it and say insensitive things. Though at the end of the day, I do have a hell of a lot of interesting stories, I don't get involved in typical "girl drama" like all my friends, and I appreciate standing in long lines because I live on borrowed time and don't think the world owes me anything past the next minute.
Good luck my friends, find strength in your weaknesses, hate the disease when you need to, and don't forget to live because not everyone can appreciate the gift of life the way that we can!

Reading These posts got me through tonight without punching something. I just recently found this blog and am so greatful to know other people really do think about some of the things i do but have never said. I had a date night with the hubby and all I wanted was a brownie. Sounds pretty simple. So I get on my phone and google every restaurant in the area we are in and can't find one with less than 120 carbs. I kind of freaked out a little. I think I do really well for being diagnosed t1 less than a year, I'm 38, after being misdiagnosed t2 a year before that. I do ok. All I wanted was one brownie to feel like old times before d days. I know that sounds a little stupid considering what we all go through everyday but it seems like its the small things set me off the most.

I just learned about this blog the other day (at my first real Dr. Appointment in 2 years) and this is the first time I'm seeing that people do feel like I do and it's been very empowering. After feeling like i'm the only person with a negitive attitude about my situation for the last 4 years and hating myself for feeling negitive it's just so nice to know i'm not alone.

I’ve had type 1 diabetes since I was 3 and I managed it very well (with the help of my family) for 12 years, but once high school hit that wasn’t the case. And now at the age of 20 I’m desperately trying to get it back under control.

Being 20 there are so many things in my life that are starting to get set in place for the rest of my life. I just got new and pretty permanent job (with health benefits) a few months ago. I’m not going to school because I can’t afford it and not having health care scared the ever-living crap out of me. So I know I’m blessed with this job and I’m grateful. But I HATE this job and I HATE diabetes for making Health Care such a necessity in my life.

I wanted to be a dancer. Move out of my hick town and at least attempt my dreams, but dreams don’t come with health benefits or insulin or syringes. So I practice, study, and teach dance at my small town studio part time knowing I’m not going to be able to do a darn thing with the things I learn there.

I’m not a weak person and I don’t cry about anything, but since I’ve gotten this job and have seen my dreams dissolve around me I’ve gone home and cried into my pillow every night. I hate that after 17 years I finally let diabetes get the best of me. I hate feeling week.

This may be a little too long of a comment (sorry) but I didn’t realize how bad I need to share this until I finish writing it. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE MY TRUE THOUGHT ABOUT MY SITUATION FOR THE FRIST TIME IN 17 YEARS!

I hate how people obsess over food limitations and T1D.

What about how crazy difficult T1 is with activities? Like jogging, snorkeling, hiking, traveling to faraway places or just working at your desk job.

IF ONLY T1 was about greasy food and sugary beverages. OMG.

I hate that 1T is labeled as diabetes and that all the type 2 stereotypes are passed on to T1'ers.

I know God only gives us what we can handle, and for a while I felt blessed that God thought I could handle this. Like maybe he thought I was special, but I'm starting to feel like this wasn't meant for me. That maybe it was a mistake that I was given this disease because I don't feel strong enough or brave enough to handle this right now.... I feel like I'm letting down the people around me because I'm freaking out on the inside. (of course I don't let anyone else know that though)

The thing I feel most guilty about is letting down my parents who took care of my diabetes since I was 3 all the way up to my middle school years. They changed their entire lives around for me. To make sure I was happy and healthy. Even if it was a burden on them. Then when I finally got the freedom I wanted to take care of myself I screwed it all up. Now 17 years later (after all they've done for me) I repay them by making them worry about me consistently. I don't feel special any more. I just feel weak, like a failure.

There's a post above from a mother whose 4 year old son was diagnosed in 2011 at age 4.... I just want to say your post reminded me of my mother and family. It brought tears to my eye because its people like you who make this disease normal for kids like me. I was diagnosed at 3 and if it wasn't for my own mother and family treating it like it was the norm then I would have never made it through school! But because my mother and family turned it into a positive and normal thing within our family I went into school confident in myself. I was able to answer all of the crazy 5 year old question in kindergarten with a smile on my face and I made tons of friends because I wasn't ashamed. (I just thought my diabetes was normal and as the school year progressed the kids and teaches treated it as a normal part of the year as well)

And you're right it does take a family to manage diabetes! I don't know how women like you and my mother handle such a tragedy with such grace but I’m so glad you do!

And as a side note anyone who was diagnosed with diabetes in their adult lives (or even teenage years) you also inspire me. I don't know how you do it....if I wasn't diagnosed so early and if I didn't grow up with this disease then I don't think I could handle it. I know a lot of my friends say “You don't know what you’re missing”, when they stick a cupcake in their mouths or sometimes a family member will say “I wish I could take the diabetes away for you for just one day. Then you would know what it’s like to be normal”. And honestly my friend are right I don’t know what I’m missing but I don’t want to know. This does feel normal… it’s my normal. Anyways my point is anyone who has to tackle this disease later in life you inspire me to keep going….

I have had T1 for almost 20 years now (dx'd at 11)...it has made me obsess over food to the point of an eating disorder for at least the last 15 years.
I always wondered what my life would have been like without this disease. It is difficult knowing no matter how much you try, sometimes you are going to run high or face being dangerously low.
I feel bad that I resent those who are T2...but so many of them have it by choice. Trust me if I could treat this by diet and exercise, I would be the happiest and most grateful person in the world!

I have T2. I've known for 5 months now. I still don't have a handle on it.

For the first little bit it was easy... I eliminated all of my sugary snacks right before bed. My HbA1C dropped and so did my weight by 20 pounds.

Now, every day is a challenge. And I crave - I ALWAYS CRAVE - sugar and find it's easier to give in than to try.

I'm not on insulin yet, but that seems to be where I'm heading if I can't figure this out.

I commented before up there, but I have more to say...

Type 1 isn't no big deal like I pretend it is. It's a big deal. And sometimes there are stupid people that have no idea what you're going through. But it can be okay. Look at all the support we give each other, and the things diabetes teaches you. And it shouldn't have a huge negative impact on your life,either. Diabetes is an obstacle, but it will be okay.... Sorry to interrupt your day, now go live that good life! ;)

I've had T1D for 18 years, and for the first 17 of those 18 years I was fine with it. But now, I'm burnt out, and I have no one to talk to. I put on a brave face, but inside I hurt so much. I hate being "brittle." I hate when doctors judge me. I hate when people make assumptions about me. I hate when I want to exercise (to help control my BS) and I go low and cant work out, thengo high because I didn't work out. I hate that my dad thinks if I just try harder, then unexpected and unexplained highs/lows won't happen any more. I hate that people don't recognize diabetes as an actual disability. I hate that "it could be worse, I could have [insert any other CURABLE disease]."

After a rough couple of weeks diabetes-wise, I stumbled on this post (linked from one of Kerri's dealing with travel and diabetes), and a good dia-venting sounds like just I what I need right now.

I'm tempted to use the word "hate" to describe how I've been feeling about my diabetes lately, but in truth, I don't hate my diabetes - I've lived with it for over 26 years. And while I know life would be much easier without all the associated responsibilities and worry that go along with Type 1, being a diabetic has profoundly influenced who I am as a person, and I'm finally at a place where I love and appreciate myself.

So, instead, I think I'll use a much more accurate term to describe my relationship with diabetes these days: frustrated.

I'm frustrated I had to reschedule a meeting this morning because I woke up at 3am with a blood sugar of 42 and subsequently slept through my alarm this morning because I was so tired.

I'm frustrated that my health is now a concern of my new boss.

I'm frustrated that my blood sugars won't stabilize or at least become more predictable after being at my new internship in the Netherlands for two weeks.

I'm frustrated that I've been low multiple times per day lately, which has meant, among other things, that my diabetes has taken taken center-stage during what should be one of the most exciting experiences of my life, the first days of being part of a legal team in the Appeals Chambers at the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia.

I'm frustrated that I feel like I'm talking about my diabetes All. The. Time. these days because, basically, I am.

I'm frustrated that I had to tell a professor for whom I've worked for the last two years that I can't handle being his research assistant, interning at the Tribunal, and writing a huge research paper at the same time because I know that the stress of having so many obligations and so little free time will cause my diabetes to go haywire.

I'm frustrated I can't take on so many responsibilities because my diabetes goes haywire, which causes me to worry quite a bit about how I will handle a legal career and a family (fingers crossed).

I'm frustrated that to even think about getting pregnant, I have to get my blood sugars under such tight control that I'm scared of the lows.

I'm frustrated that wearing my new Dexcom sensor on the back of my arm makes it visible and even more frustrated that this embarrasses me.

I'm frustrated that the Dexcom doesn't seem to be so good at picking up how I'm trending because you'd think dropping 60mg/dL in the last hour would warrant something other than the steady arrow.

I'm frustrated that I'm so freaking tired as a result of crashing and rebounding constantly lately.

I'm frustrated I ended up in the hospital for my first night in The Hague because I started vomiting on the plane, couldn't keep water down, and had large ketones.

I'm frustrated that after a life seeking travel, new experiences, and challenges, the last two weeks have made me question whether I can continue to pursue such things, given how shitty my diabetes is making me feel right now.

I'm frustrated that no one I've met here understands what I'm going through and that instead I'm relying on reading Sonia Sotomayor's new memoir for support.

I'm frustrated I'm so damn frustrated with my diabetes.

Whew, I think that's all the venting I can do for tonight. Thanks, DOC, for listening and existing, and thanks, Kerri, for putting yourself out there so that we all don't feel so alone.

I'm so DAMN frustrated that I can't handle it anymore, so I'm posting here.

I've been having highs for years but my endo can't figure out what's going on. I'm not T1 (negative antibodies) and T2 doesn't usually present like this, either (young, thin, healthy, active, no family history, etc). I've basically been eating NO carbs, which seems to be the only way to handle my BG, but I'm really suffering for it. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT????

I've had enough and I want to switch endo's but am scared no one will listen the way my endo has. Despite all of this, I really do trust him. I wish he'd either just diagnose me with SOMETHING and give me medication (or insulin. Yes, I'm THAT desperate) or this would all go away.

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