I'm a tangled web of emotions today.
I'm nervous about tomorrow. The surgery itself scares me. I've never had surgery before, and the last time I was hospitalized was when I was diagnosed with diabetes, so this experience has really broadened my perspective on what some people have to go through with their health conditions. I'm afraid of the epidural, of the actual incision, and of how the recovery will feel. Despite other people's experiences and the "quick and easy" adjectives that seem to come up when people talk about c-sections, I'm still unnerved. But I'm sure you guys figured I'd be tweaking out, because I tweak out about everything. ;)
I'm a little overwhelmed. This is only the second time I've ever been in the hospital in my entire life ... the first was 23 years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes. So spending almost three weeks here has been physically draining (all muscle definition I once had is now completely gone - I'm like spaghetti girl) and emotionally insane (no sleep at all, too much focus on "what's coming down the pike," and barely any social interaction with anyone other than nurses who want my blood pressure readings). I'm pretty sure that on Monday, I'll run screaming from this place.
I'm homesick. I haven't slept in my own bed for weeks. I haven't showered in the comfort of my own bathroom. I miss the comfy couch, the sunshine coming in through the giant windows, the closet where my shoes are strewn all over the place. I miss those stupid cats. And I miss my husband and being alone with him. Even when he's here at the hospital overnight, we can't be close to one another because when nurses come in the room and we're sitting together, we feel like high school kids who were caught with the door closed after being told "DO NOT shut the door." I really can't wait to be home.
I'm absolutely shocked at how quickly this has all happened. I feel like it was literally last month that I was talking about lowering my A1C and thinking about taking the leap of faith to make a baby. Spain seems like a very long time ago. All those Joslin appointments when I wasn't pregnant, and then the dozens that followed after we found out that we were expecting ... seems like a very long time ago. But it's almost over - and tomorrow is her birthday.
I'm thankful, too. So thankful for all the support and well-wishes from you guys. The comments, emails, packages that have arrived at the house ... everyone has just been so overwhelmingly supportive and kind. Chris and I really appreciate all of the love you guys have been sending our way, and we are excited to share our daughter with you all. Posting here will be light, from me at least, over the next few weeks, but there are some really generous people who have offered to guest post while I'm learning to change diapers, and once I'm recovered a bit from the surgery, I'll post an update and hopefully a picture of the BSparl. Time online will be very hard to come by in these first few days of parenthood, especially since I'll still be at the hospital for a few more days, but as soon as I can update you all, I will.
I'm worried. What kind of a parent will I be? I'm completely goofy and ridiculous ... will she think I'm too bizarre to be friends with? Will she listen when I tell her "no?" Will she think I'm mean when I let her cry it out? Will she and I be able to handle breastfeeding? Will she like me? Will I have the patience to be a good parent? How on earth do people do this and seem to be so centered and confident?
I'm excited, too. Despite all these fears and worries about the actual surgery and what kind of a parent I will be, I can't wait. I can't wait to finally see her face, and hold her little hands, and give her a big hug. She's done such a good job in there, and now she joins my husband as the other hero in my life.
Tomorrow morning will hold one of the most life-changing moments for me, and while my body is literally shaking with anticipation and nerves and excitement, I am so excited to meet my little girl.
Baby, you're almost here!!!