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Moody, Pregnant Mess.

(This is one of those posts I'll write, and then promptly wish I hadn't written, but then revisit in a few weeks and be thankful that I let these emotions out.  But for now, I want to hide in bed and stay there all day, even though I can't sleep because my guilt is keeping me awake.)

Pregnant Kerri worries about EVERYTHING.  Except these flowers.  They seem self-sufficient enough.

I am not sure what's causing what, but my emotions feel like they're in a tailspin today.  Over Friday and Saturday, I had blood sugars that seemed like they came straight from the store - shiny, flat, and steady, with the Dexcom showing me a straight line for over 24 hours (aside from one very small spike after pineapple and cottage cheese on Saturday morning) and with the meter confirming this anomaly every hour or so.  And BSparl was poking and kicking around in there, letting me know that she was alive and okay and having a good time floating in her safe, amniotic sea. 

And then, for absolutely no reason, I had two rotten lows in a three hour span.  Rotten as in sweaty, dizzy, Dexcom wailing at me, orange juice spilled on the kitchen floor due to downing it too quickly from the carton kind of lows.  Lows that left me needing a nap and feeling physically compromised. 

And I worried about her - this little friend I'm building.  

Of course, these lows were followed by highs.  Tricky highs - ones that made my mouth dry and my head hurt and my blood sugar average leap up by at least 20 points all on their own.  Highs that made me test, bolus, and then go into the bathroom and cry because I felt so guilty about what I was doing to myself and to this little kid.  (Granted, the crying part may have happened because of the hormone influx, but I can't tell what's causing what these days.)

I have these books that I bought after finding out about BSparl - volumes with titles like "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "I'm Pregnant!" - and for weeks, I pored through them and read all about how the baby was growing from a little cluster of cells into a creature with arms and legs and a beating heart.  But these books all come with what I call the "scary chapters," about complications and all the crap that can go wrong during pregnancy.  I skimmed these chapters at the outset, felt completely overwhelmed and terrified, and decided to not read them anymore.  Then we had the scare with the bleeding back in September (where I was about 7 weeks along and there were no problems detected, but my heart remained in my throat for ... actually, not sure if it's come down at all yet), and I decided that I wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend that nothing bad is even possible.  Every pregnant woman has a healthy, happy pregnancy, and that's it.  There are no other options.

I know that diabetics have healthy babies all the time.  And that in the grand scheme of things, it's not about each individual blood sugar, but the general gist of how my blood sugars are running.  But I've only read about other people's pregnancies.  I've never been pregnant before, and all of these feelings, both physically and emotionally, are so new to me.  Even though there are so many examples of families before me who have taken this journey and come out safely and happy on the other side, I've never done it before.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm scared a lot of the time because I don't want to hurt her.

This morning, after going to bed at a blood sugar of 119 mg/dl, I woke up around 5:45 am at 293 mg/dl.  I bolused, tested for ketones (none), drank a bottle of water to hydrate my sandpaper throat, and then climbed back into bed. 

(Mind you, this high was on the same basals that have had me waking up under 100 mg/dl for three days running.)  

And couldn't sleep.

My mind keeps freaking out, going back to the scary chapters.  And no amount of rationalization (it's just a few hours high, it's just one blood sugar, it's just one bad day, everyone has those bad days, the baby is okay, you're okay) could make my mind quiet. I just feel like a failure, frustrated to tears because no matter how much technology we have access to as modern-day diabetics, we still have diabetes.  And this obscene disease looks so quiet from the outside, but it rages on inside of me every day, even when I'm working so hard to pretend to be cured for my daughter.  

It's going to be better.  Now that I've finished this post, my number is back down to 131 mg/dl and falling slowly, and within the next 20 minutes or so, I'll be back in range.  And I'm hoping that I can stay on top of things today and keep her safe. 

Six months pregnant tomorrow.

I've never wanted anything more than this, in my entire life.  I might sound overly dramatic or obsessive or frantic, but I can't lie.  This baby girl is so important to me, and she may be the only child we have.  She's what I've been thinking about for years, and she just rolled inside of me right now, as if to say, "It's cool, mommy.  Stop freaking out.  Let's have pancakes!"  

I should make her some pancakes. 

(I feel better now.  Thank you for listening, you guys.)

Comments

oh kerri :( i can't even begin to imagine how these scary times with the BGs are making you feel having never been pregnant myself. But you're doing absolutely brilliant hun! Keep up the good work and I know that BSparl will be fine!

Easier said than done, but don't feel guilty. You are doing absolutely everything in your power and doing fantastically too! Keep up the good work *hug*

Oh Kerri, my heart goes out to you. As you know I don't have diabetes but I know that when I was pregnant both times I also worried about what could go wrong. It was very stressful. I can just imagine how much more stressful it is for you.

From all of your posts that I have read.... YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB! You are doing everything that you are suppose to do. Hang in there... you are already a terrific mother, your daughter is lucky to have you! :)

Every time you write you sound like what you want to be---and already are---a mom. Diabetic or not, we all have fears that we are hurting our children. It doesn't end after the baby is born either. Kerri--you are doing a phenomenal job. Give yourself a hug!!

BSparl is very fortunate to have a mother like you. Now stop tormenting yourself and have some pancakes!! I assure you - one look in her little eyes 90 days from now, and all this stuff will fade into a distant dream...

The pregnancy emotions are a roller coaster. I've always felt they're there just to prep us for the parenthood emotions.
You are NOT being overly dramatic or obsessive or frantic - just being a mom.
Hope the pancakes were yummy!

The guilt of doing the least thing wrong (or having less than textbook-perfect readings) from pregnancy planning through completion of weaning is one of those things that society thrusts upon us to the point where it has scared some of us off the idea of ever becoming parents, even without the added social- and medical-imposed guilt burden of diabetes management.

You've taken on a task which, while necessary for the continuation of humankind, is one made nearly impossible by human society. I don't think it's possible to avoid those guilt sessions. What you need to know is that you are doing everything possible to give BSparl the best possible start within your means, and beyond that, it's a matter of trust in the baby's genes and in G-d/nature/the Universe that things will work themselves out.

Kerri, I know all I can tell you is "another person's story", but I had those scary lows and scary highs during my pregnancy too, and freaked out and tried to fix them as quickly as possible and felt guilty and worried....and I now have a perfect 7-month old baby girl! She's healthy, she's smart, and she's gorgeous!

It'll be okay. :) You're doing GREAT!

Kerri - I'm thinking great, in-range thoughts for you and your little one.

Hang in there. Hormones plus a person really tuned-in to their emotional health can equal a mess, I know.

You're already an exemplary momma, and in 90 days you'll prove it further.

xoxoxo - N

Sending a big hug your way! We'll always be hear to listen and support you through this amazing journey.

I'm sure it's far easier to sit in my chair and tell you not to beat yourself up over something your body will sometimes do even when YOU do everything just right. It's easy for me to say you'll get back on track and that it's the overall A1c that matters, etc. While all those things may be true, I know that in a year (or whenever) when I'm hopefully in your shoes, I'll beat myself up for the very same things. But that'll be okay! Because having people out there like you who are willing to put down into words everything we think and feel so the rest of us can relate will make me feel a whole lot less alone. And I hope knowing that does help you in some small way.

You're doing great and you are more on top of your numbers than anyone I've ever "known" and you are doing everything just right. Your baby is so amazingly lucky to have you as a mom.

Pancakes sound like just the ticket to help you feel a little better today!

Kerri - I know *exactly* where you are coming from and I am sending virtual hugs.

Keep your chin up and know that you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing. BSparl is cooking just right!!

Not only do I wish you well, Kerri, and hope for more store-bought D-numbers and feelings, but I also send a thought in Chris's direction. The guy tasked with comforting and fixing and doing the magic of being a husband even when facing the complexities of both diabetes and pregnancy. Here's to you, sir! (not meaning at all to gloss over Kerri, our guiding light in this DOC!)

Kerri...you'e doing an AMAZING job! I'm glad you take the time to write about diabetes and pregnancy, good & bad. It helps Mom's like me know that one day I will be able to help my daughter through a healthy pregnancy. Being pregnant is emotional enough and I can't imagine having to deal with it having diabetes as well. Once again, you're doing GREAT! :) I've enjoyed watching BSparl grow in belly shots and can't wait to see her!

Ah Kerri. I know that no matter what anyone says on here - those thoughts are still going to creep into your head (even though, you know they're not true). As a Mom, it's all part of the pregnancy - we worry about EVERYTHING. (and it doesn't end when the baby is born - there will be new things to fret over after baby comes) but it's all part of the package ... it's what us Moms do, and it's what we sign up for when we decide to have children.

Like everyone has said, you are doing such an incredible job - you are on top of your numbers and you are dealing with things this disease throws at you the best you can. It's the nature of the disease to be unpredictable at times and despite how hard a person tries, things go to crap from time to time, no matter what. But you are on top of it - you are doing what's best for you and BSparl and you'll both come out of this great!

Hormones do crazy things to you when you're pregnant (crying over pretty much everything - at least I did ... there were certain commercials on TV I couldn't watch or I'd bust out in tears!! lol) and even to this day (it's been 6 yrs since my last baby) I'm probably more emotional than I used to be before having kids. Must be the Mom gene or something .... even I shake my head at myself sometimes LOL.

Hang in there - you're doing great and I'm writing a novel here! It's all part of the pregnancy journey :)

Kerri ~ I'm with you. All of this is scary. It's hard when this disease is so much about control--and we really can't control it at all. And it's scary when it affects more people than just us.

But you're a fighter, and you're doing great. Keep up the amazing work. You're an inspiration to all of us. You make us laugh, draw us together, and help us articulate things we may not have been able to articulate on our own.

Not sure how you feel about prayer, but I'm definitely praying for you and your little girl. She's gonna be amazing!

Hey Keri,
I'm sure that was stressful but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and I can't fathom how a high BG here or there could undo the whole thing.

Maybe for some additional emotional reassurance, you could give a call to your doctor? (I'm not suggesting it's something you *need* to do.) I'm sure occasional highs are par for the course, and can only imagine how difficult it must be to stay on top of an ever-changing body; but maybe hearing it from your OB (as well as all your friends here) could reassure you.

:) You're OK. She's OK. It's gonna be OK. Big ((Hugs))

You are doing so well. Everyone goes through the feelings you are describing and throwing diabetes into the mix just makes it harder. You are already a Mummy, even though your baby hasn't looked you in the eye yet. She is yours and going from wanting a baby to having one wriggling around and so clearly alive and entirely your responsibility is HUGE. To shrug off the weight of it and not be freaked out would be stranger than what you are feeling now.
Hang in there and chat to BSparl about it all. She is wiser than most of us!

Kerri, you're not being overly dramatic. Pregnancy IS a scary thing - even for those of us who got to do it 'diabetes free'. We all worry about something, some obvious things make us worry(like diseases) and then there are less obvious ones that keep us awake at night (could my bad mood be hurting her? could the bumpy ride in the car have been bad? could that coffee I've been drinking, before they've told me it was bad, have hurt my bean? or the luncheon meat I ate? or the fish? or the fact that I didn't drink as much milk...or that I used smelly detergent,or got my hair dyed...or used alpha hydroxy lotion on my face -haha..those were my favorite worries )

We all worry. Not to make your concerns sound any less valid - they ARE. Worry is what keeps our kids healthy. :) It's what parents do to protect our babies. Pregnancy is just how we ease ourselves into the very scary (yet wonderful) world of being a parent - I'm convinced of that.

Your worrying shows that you're doing everything you can for your baby, and you ARE doing everything you possibly can.

And pancackes never hurt. :)

I too worry about things like this. Right now Im in the pre-planning stage where Im trying my hardest to obtain super tight control so my boyfriend and I can even think about starting a family and daily im thinking "omg high after site change!!!" and it makes me panic and the future seems so grim.

All the effort that you are putting in at this time outweighs the highs. Many women get gestational diabetes, so obviously their blood sugars must have ran high at one point or another before even being detected.

keep your chin up, you are doing an amazing job at being a caring mother to BSparl

I'm not even pregnant, but I have those same fears. From post-ovulation to getting my period (A.K.A. waiting hell), I'm so worried that every single high BG is a sign that I'm not ready to have a baby, or that if I'm pregnant, I'm doing major damage to the child. I know (deep down) that it's irrational, but it doesn't stop the fear or guilt. Then, I get my period and realize (once again) that it was all for nothing. Then, I eat a cupcake ;-)

You're doing the right things, Kerri! Don't ever regret putting your feelings out there. I know that when my time comes, I'll look back on each of your posts for guidance.

"The 2nd trimester is much more forgiving to the highs than the 1st" said Dr. B.
The worrying can be dreadful though, but for me it also served as a motivator to keep doing the best I could do. Keep sharing the ups AND the downs with us. You are doing an awesome job.

Hugs from Florida! You're going to make it! :) It's easy to get lost in the day to day trauma of emotions! Try to remember the big picture. Getting little BSparl from point A to point B! You can do it!

I'm echoing all of the warm, happy sentiments from everyone, and including this lovely distraction:

I always find that baking/cooking is a wonderful way to take my mind off things, and knowing your penchant for baking, and the pancakes mentioned, here's a wonderful recipe for yeast-risen pancakes from a fellow Boston blogger: http://veganyumyum.com/2009/07/slow-rise-pancakes/

It's so tasty and customizable, BSparl is sure to roll around in delight, letting you know that it's still cool, and hoping that your freaking out has subsided.

Oh my gosh. Those are the WORST days, when you are already doing EVERYTHING you possibly can and still, you are dealt infuriatingly high or low bgs. Makes you want to throw up your hands and cry and scream. But with a tiny life growing inside you, it takes on even more importance and weight. All you can do is get the BG back in range (which you have already done!) and move on with the day, staying calm, because it is behind you for now. And look to the voices of those who have been there and have turned out ok.

I know I will be going through this and I wanted to say thank you for posting this.

I love you guys to pieces. Now I'm all messy from reading your comments. Thank you for letting me know you've been there, you're heading there, you hope your children are there - but also for just plain being there for me today. I needed it. So thank you.

Sorry, I sent you a blank comment prior to this one. . stupid, fat fingers!
You're such a great mom already. I know you've heard that multiple times today, but really, this is what motherhood is all about. You worry about what could be, what is, what might happen, what didn't and then you worry some more. You'll never be able to stop it, even when your kids are all grown up. If you didn't have diabetes to worry about, I promise, there would be something else. . it's just nature.
We're all here, cheering you on! The love and care you provide each day, trumps a couple of highs.

Sorry, I sent you a blank comment prior to this one. . stupid, fat fingers!
You're such a great mom already. I know you've heard that multiple times today, but really, this is what motherhood is all about. You worry about what could be, what is, what might happen, what didn't and then you worry some more. You'll never be able to stop it, even when your kids are all grown up. If you didn't have diabetes to worry about, I promise, there would be something else. . it's just nature.
We're all here, cheering you on! The love and care you provide each day, trumps a couple of highs.

Sending hugs, love and good vibes...I know I've told you my stories as well but you have your own journey and all those emotions can be so scary and overwhelming..panicky...no matter what I say you are feeling all this for the first time yourself...and you are doing amazing and guess what NORMAL ummmm well for a D-peep ;-)

That "roll around" was exactly that I believe. She knows you more then you can imagine.

Thank you for sharing all this with us Kerri. You are doing such a great job of taking care of GSparl!!! I am proud of you. You can do this. You are almost there - 3 more months, then she is out and about in your arms.

I wanted to tell you that I have faith that you can do this and that you are not harming the baby. Maybe you can be carried these last few months on the belief that it will all be well.

It will all be well.

Oh honey. I know it's tough and scary. But you are doing great. And so is BSparl. You will both make it through and be nothing short of fabulous!!! Big hugs from me and wee kitty kisses from K.C. :)

Kerri--all the best. That little HEALTHY BSparl will give you hugs and kisses when she is old enough to understand how you tried to take care of her from her tadpole stage.

this post is so timely for me - i just found out that i'm pregnant this past thurs., have my first pregnancy endo appt. this wednesday and i have been freaking out since thurs. about my blood sugars...it has been frustrating me to the point of tears, almost - i am checking constantly and sometimes i'll bolus for a mild high and i'll check 20 min. later to find that it's gone up instead of down - ahhhh so scary and frustrating! this is my first pregnancy and it's helping me a lot to read of your experiences a few months ahead of me...

Kerri,
I know that you have already read so many encouraging comments, but I wanted to put my two cents in. Thank you for your honesty, it means more that you can realize! It's ok to have a bad day and be grumpy...we all do it! Part of the job of being a mom is worrying, whether she's in your tummy or out on her first date...Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy! Enjoy this first stage of motherhood! It is truly a blessing and your little girl will be here before you know it.

steer clear of the books, shows and advice from others... this is your journey. stay on path and make it your own - you are doing GREAT!

You are doing such a great job Kerry. It's ok to be a hot mess every now and then. My mom had a blessing she would say - 'It will be well' and she would say it to me as a wish when I would find myself in times of worry and anguish.

So now I bless you with it.
It will be well.

Kerri ---
I was diagnosed with Type 1 at age 34 and just married. It is now 2 yrs later, and I am 26 wks pregnant, and have been following your blog and feeling a lot of things you describe (the horrible lows, feeling almost cured, the fears, etc). I don't know if you are into this kind of thing, but I took my first "hypnobirthing" class last night, and it is all about positive thinking to make your body do positive things, and relaxation and meditation techniques. I slept better last night than I have in a few weeks, and I think it is really going to help me stay calm and not let my fears take hold of me so much. Have you read "The Secret"? It's a lot of the same ideas, but there are very detailed meditations and visualizations to help you through pregnancy and birth, and to keep you calm and relaxed. Maybe something you want to think about? Like I said, it's helping me already, and I still am (God-willing) a few months away from birth!!! Hang in there ---

Kerri
thanks so much for your honesty! Your guilt and anxiety are natural. I know I would feel the same way as you if i was fortunate enough to get pregnant one day.
Keep up the great work!
my thoughts are with you

Guilt is good. It prepares you to parent teenagers.

Kerri

I think you're doing a great job, and BSparl will be just fine. Of course it's scary, as others said that's part of being a parent. God intended this stuff to work, and most of the time it does.

I hope you have a chance to do some real relaxation. Get away from the numbers and listen to some good music. I hope the next 3 months pass really fast.

Kerri,

Thanks for posting this whole thing for everyone! I'm in the planning stages and it helps to know from you and the others that things are all normal and okay! Hang in there!

Crazy and scary. Now you need a hug. Where's Chris?! :) It's so easy to worry, but there's no way to stop. Not really. Not even when people tell you that the tests are fine or that you just have to trust God. Or whatever it is...

When your baby is born, she's going to be perfect because she is your daughter. She will love you no matter what your blood sugar is... or was. She will see how hard you work to be healthy and living for her and for her dad, and she'll be grateful you didn't let it all go.

Sorry to hear about the crazy hormones. for what it's worth, I cry coming out of a low episode, too. And I'm NOT pregnant! :D
Hope things hit an even keel soon.
~BEthanne

Kerri...you are gonna be the best mom! you are doing a great and conscientious job at this pregnancy thing + T1. i marvel at you and always learn so much from you. i hope the numbers will calm down for you so you can enjoy BSparl's turns and kicks...it is a remarkable time of life (before she starts pounding you hard!)

I'm type 1 for the last 14 years. A1c is 6.4 and
as I read this post it was like I was reading my own journal from 2002 and 2006. I have two beautiful daughters who made it through their diabetic Moms crazy pregnancy highs and lows untouched by MY disease. Now I am 14 weeks with our FINAL child and in the "cake walk" part of the pregnacy. I know though that these hormonal times are ahead. I also know though that thanks to the pump any highs are temporary and the ones that "hurt" are the ones that stay high for hours. Any one who is testing every hour definately doesnt have sugars that are hanging out in the high range for hours :)
You sound like a great Mom and it's easier for me to tell you not to let the guilt get to you then to tell myself. Maybe I'll re-read my post to remind myself of the same! The next hard chapter will be when they come into the hospital room to check your babies blood sugar every hour! WARNING: It's tramatic so DON'T beat yourself up about that either, they don't remember it :)
Sorry I just wish someone would have prepared me for that part. It's routine for babies of diabetic mamas! I can't thank you enough for the times your posts have helped me with my guilt. I look forward to the next!

Absolutely skip the scary parts of the books....they are useless and down right detrimental to your mental health! The odds of any of that crap happening are slim and it does no good to worry about things we can't control. Easier said than done, I know, which is why I never allowed myself to read those parts of the book! Stay strong. You are already an award winning Mom!

Oh I feel for you - even tho' I never had the chance to have a child due to stupid GP's saying "thou cannot have a child" - old silly farts back in the 80's. Anyway, I wish my friend Trisha Pulliam could talk/email you of her experiences. She's a PWD, just had her 2nd little child (a girl) too. Look for her on my FB page - and maybe you can connect - that's if she's not too busy with her daughter Allison Claire born back in back in November - http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2814973&id=501582231

Kerri-

I remember feeling like this when I was pregnant with Niya. Pregnancy is scary but being a diabetic and prego is way harder than most people think. Hugs and prayers!

Hi Kerri,
I want you to know that you are such a great resource for me. I have a 13 year old daughter who was diagnosed April 2008 and knowing how well you are doing helps me realize that Kaitlyn is going to be okay. First thing I thought of when she was diagnosed was that she could never be a mom but knowing how well you are doing has really put me at ease. I'm sure it is scary, I have no idea how you are feeling but know that you have so many people praying for you and your baby girl. Kaitlyn even keeps up with your blog. I was so impressed with the Dexcom you have that we finally got one approved for Kaitlyn since she is on such a rollercoaster of lows and highs. We got it but still need to be trained to use it.
Please take care, know how blessed you are and we are all praying for you. Thanks for being an inspiration to a lot of girls out there and their parents.
Kathy

Having diabetes or not...guilt is an emotion that ALL mothers get. Wait until that little bugger gets outside your tummy! :\ Honestly...you are doing an awesome job of taking care of yourself and that sweet little babe. You need to cut yourself some slack.

As far as the books go...I would highly recommend to stop reading them!!!!! Seriously! When I was pregnant with my first child, I started reading that What to Expect When You're Expecting. When I got to month 8 and started reading about labor and birth, I literally started having hot flashes and panic attacks!! Everyone is different and every birth is different. I would also recommend not reading books about raising babies either. Same thing goes for babies...every child is different (even within the same family) and no book is going to cover it all. You need to do what's best for you, your husband, and your child--no guilt about it! :) I think when we read books, we are quick to find what we are doing wrong (according to who?!?!?) and immeadiately take on guilt.

Seriously...thank you for putting yourself out there as an example to my daughter (7) and others!!!

Kerri,
I couldn't have said any of it better. Not that it makes it easier or better, but you are not alone in feeling exactly how you described... every word, I'm just too scared to even blog about all those fears and the highs (darn resistance... what's the point of it, a cruel joke?!). Just keep on keeping on, that's all we can do, right? I just know in my heart it has to be enough.

I wish I could hug you right now! I'm not diabetic (my 6 year-old is) but I had major pregnancy complications.... I'll spare you the details, but despite the odds, I have two healthy, happy children today.

I spent countless hours during my pregnancies praying, crying, and feeling guilty about the medical issues-- none of which were my fault, just like your crazy highs/lows are not your fault. Between the hormones and the guilt and the worry, though... it was hard. I think I can relate to how you're feeling.

I am an information junkie... I HAVE to know the possibilities. If they're going to cause you nightmares, don't read them. But if you can read some of those things, realize that you DON'T have those signs/ symptoms, and feel less stress... then by all means, I say read away. Maybe the "unknown" is more stressful than arming yourself with the facts. (And maybe not... that's just how MY brain works.. YMMV!)

I did everything I could to help my babies, just as you're doing. I frequently read your blog and I'm in awe of how exactly you control your blood sugars... and that's while pregnant! (I'm praying we get my daughter's that controlled someday!) I'll be praying that you and that precious little girl make it through these last few months smoothly!

Just wanted to say THANK YOU for posting this.

I'm 11wks and a couple of days and I recently had a total breakdown about how hard I'm working to control my BGs and STILL sometimes there is a random number that makes no sense at all.

It's hard not to let those random times totally freak me out but I'm trying and it's nice to know I'm not the only one trying to deal with all these crazy emotions and BG and.... :)

Kerri, you are already one of the best moms I know. Please take care.

A little late comment...I know you feel better...
You're doing fantastically!
Someone mentioned meditation and I think it's a great advice.
I know you can do it and soon your baby girl will be fine and in your arms smiling to you.
I wish you the best.

Three months and counting, so just hang in there Kerri Its almost over, then on to the other joys of parenthood.

I do remember one of the very new, very weird low symptoms I had while pregnant, and only while pregnant, was that I would get a feeling of doom. I mean, the "what if my whole family dies in an earthquake" kind of doom. It would keep me up at night and only after tossing and turning, would I realize that I needed to test. I was always low. This has not happened since. I would chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and the very drastic lows that come with them.

Kerri

I am on the subway and writing in notes on my iphone because I cannot get on the Internet from here. I just read your sixuntilme post. I was thinking about you and how much better you are doing than I was able to do when pregnant with each of my 2 wonderful (well 95% of the time) teenagers. I was on NPH and Regular (novalog and lantus were not even around) and the doctors said I should test before and 2 hours after meals. No pump, no CGM. I was no where near your under 7.0 let alone near 6.0 - I couldn't get there and did not have the same medical and emotional support you have surrounded yourself with. My children were born overweight- they made insulin to digest the sugar I wasn't able to, but they are wonderful healthy kids. The best best things to ever happen to me. And I still can't believe I did it and I'm still doing it, being a mom. I have always wanted to have children. From the time I was a child, and my pregnancies were far from perfect but from what I read-- you and your pregnancy and your little girl will be. Many good positve thoughts are being sent your way.

Flashbacks, only 4 years ago when I was in your shoes! You are doing such an amazing job and all that anyone could ask of you. I certainly wasn't in your control (150 is high?!?, I wasn't supposed to eat cheese, huh?) and have a perfectly healthy daughter.

It seems like the standards for what you are supposed to do get higher and higher as the years go on (my endo was cool as long as I was under 7), until they reach the point that they are nearly impossible to achieve -- hence guilt.

We have a disease that reacts to anything from stress to hormones to food. Keeping all of that in balance is near impossible, but you are doing amazing. I really wish you all the best and send you support and hugs.

Kerri as i sat here reading this you brought me to tears. Every single thing you said hit home to me. Sitting here holding my just turned 2yr old son it made me think of my pregnancy with him and the two before that. Everyday day I am so thankful that although I have type1 I was blessed with 3 beautiful pregnancies and 3 beautiful children!!I never thought I was going to be able to have one. Each of my children was a challenge with the ups and downs, appointment after appointment and I don't think I was ever in good control of anything. All 3 of my babies came 4 weeks early but all were beautiful and healthy. You sound like your doing an awsome job and will be a great mother!!! Good luck to you both!!

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