Two Heartbeats on D-Blog Day.
The first time we saw him (or her), it was at the emergency room back in Connecticut. We were only seven weeks into the pregnancy and barely had caught our breath from finding out when the bleeding happened and I panicked. We spent five hours in the emergency room, poked and prodded and with an IV line at the ready, only to finally be wheeled into the ultrasound room.
"Just relax, Mrs. Sparling. And we'll take a look and see if everything is okay."
And the screen switched on and Chris and I saw our baby's heartbeat, strong and steady and fast, beating inside of me. Everything changed forever, even though nothing had changed yet.
The bleeding stopped that day, and we moved forward, cautiously, frightened, and so hopeful. A few weeks later, my mother and I (Chris was in LA on business) were at my Joslin appointment for the first "official" ultrasound, hoping to see the baby growing strong and steadily.
"Oh, there it is. There's your baby. Those parts there at the end? The feet. Those are the little feet, ready to kick."
And I watched as the teeny, hamster-looking creature inside of me kicked his little feet. So small. So ... surreal. I couldn't wait to see him again.
Two weeks ago, Chris and I were at the Joslin Clinic for the first of a few second trimester ultrasounds, and from what my eight months pregnant best friend had already told me, this ultrasound was very different than the first one. "It looks like an actual baby at that point," she said, her blue eyes wide.
Chris and I talked with Dr. T, the OB/GYN, for a while about how I've been feeling, my numbers, and overall how the pregnancy is progressing.
"I feel good. Tired a lot, and doing a bit more traveling than I'm used to these days, but I'm feeling better now that I'm in the second trimester and past that fall-down exhausted bit from the first couple months."
"Good, sounds like you're doing great. So ... wanna see the baby?"
"Yes!"
I hopped up on the examining table and Chris took a seat by the ultrasound monitor as Dr. T. moved in with the external ultrasound wand. "A little bit of this warm gel right on your belly and ... okay, there we go!"
On the screen was a baby. A whole baby, all big-headed and waving arms and kicking legs. Our baby. Hands with fingers, legs with knees. This baby looked like a real baby.
"Oh my God, is that him? He's so big!" I couldn't believe this was the same little hamster from just a month or so ago. He took up the entire space of my uterus, which was a big change from all the room he appeared to have a month ago. Now he looked like he was out of room in there (and I knew that meant my own expansion was coming fast).
"Yes, that's the baby. Calling him a 'him,' are you? We'll find that out next month, right?"
I watched as the baby turned and squirmed, raising his arms up and his body lurching just a little bit every few seconds.
"Dr. T, does he have the hiccups in there?"
She looked closely and smiled. "Yes, that looks rhythmic and steady. Looks like hiccups to me. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?"
She turned a knob on the ultrasound machine and suddenly the room was filled with a steady whump whump whump sound - the sound of our child's heartbeat. It was incredible, hearing my own heart thudding in my ears with excitement as my baby fluttered along inside of me. Chris held my hand as I brought the other one up to my eyes to catch the tears that collected there.
Two heartbeats, both inside of me.
And today, on D-Blog Day, I wanted to share this story with you guys. You have been with me from when Chris and I first moved in together, back when the dream of a heartbeat other than my own was something I only hoped to one day hear. Now, every day that passes brings BSparl closer and closer to meeting his mom and dad.
When I was diagnosed, they said that children would be near impossible for me. And while I know that nothing is certain until that baby is in my arms, I am already so proud of where we've come, as a Sparling family and as an even larger diabetes community. We have hope now, hope for lives that are wonderful and meaningful, despite diabetes. Diabetes is a heavy load to carry, but with the support we get from this community, the burden is so much lighter.
Happy D-Blog Day, you guys. And thanks for being part of my extended family.
Comments
celebrating w/you!!!
Posted by: Nan | November 9, 2009 12:03 PM
thank you for all the years of posts - downs and ups and all arounds. So happy for you now and what is coming in 2010!
Posted by: Rachel | November 9, 2009 12:07 PM
Kerri, I so needed inspiration from you today and boy did I find what I needed. THANK YOU.
Posted by: Lindsay | November 9, 2009 12:13 PM
That sound is the best sound ever.
Congrats again and again and again!!!!
Posted by: SuperG | November 9, 2009 12:19 PM
While in the hospital after my daughter was diagnosed, my older daughter and I were in the first level bathroom and I got a call from my husband that the dietician was there for our next session. I called to my oldest we needed to get upstairs and a lady, who was leaving, paused, turned around and asked why we were there... I explained about my youngest. She said to me that she was in my shoes 20 years prior and that her daughter, also upstairs, had just delivered a second healthy baby. In my numbness, I didn't realize the power of those words, but I will always be thankful for them and her in a time when my world felt like it was falling apart.
I am so thankful you share your journey with us (and I can't wait to "meet" bsparl).
Posted by: Andrea | November 9, 2009 12:59 PM
Made me cry..again....
Really so happy for you!
Posted by: Amy | November 9, 2009 01:36 PM
beautiful. congratulations, again!
Posted by: casey | November 9, 2009 02:15 PM
Just beautiful, K. Seriously, gorgeously beautiful - than you smuch for sharing these moments with us. xoxoxo - N
Posted by: NicoleP | November 9, 2009 02:16 PM
you got me crying too! I remember those moments (yes we had ultrasound in the olden days) and was lucky enough to see my grandson's ultrasound before he was born. Way too cool!!!
Posted by: Anonymous | November 9, 2009 02:24 PM
You got me crying too! You made up for the "it's on" comment you made in an earlier post. I remember those moments (yes we had ultrasound in the olden days) and was lucky enough to see my grandson's ultrasound before he was born. Way too cool!!!
Posted by: Anonymous | November 9, 2009 02:25 PM
Such a touching post! Congratulations again, and thanks for sharing this journey!!
Posted by: Nicole | November 9, 2009 03:17 PM
Such a touching post! Congratulations again, and thanks for sharing this journey!!
Posted by: Nicole | November 9, 2009 03:18 PM
Oh, the bleeding thing - We thought we lost my daughter too. Early ultrasound also (she looked like a peanut, so that's what we called her till after birth)
She's a 5ft6+, 130 lb 12.5 year old now - Almost taller than her Mom and I
Posted by: KG2V | November 9, 2009 03:28 PM
Just reading your title I thought you were having twins.
Even though I was diagnosed much later, (19 and a soph in college)Steal Magnolia's was all I knew about being diabetic and prenant. I am now pregnant with my second (due 4-24) and totally enjoying reading your posts and being right there with you.
Also, just a coincidence, but you just moved, and I am moving next week.
Posted by: Christine | November 9, 2009 04:10 PM
Awesome. Although I have to tell you, if I keep reading your post through tears my computer is likely to short out one of these days!!
Posted by: Karen | November 9, 2009 04:18 PM
Many years ago, when the ultrasounds were a "new" thing, we saw son #2 for the first time. He also had the hiccups. I can still remember watching the screen in awe. It's the first photo in his baby book!
Posted by: Colleen | November 9, 2009 05:14 PM
Wow! I can't even imagine the fear you must have felt. Then, to actually see the baby and hear the heartbeat - how amazing! I'm so happy for you.
Posted by: Shannon | November 9, 2009 05:22 PM
it's magical! I still remember the first ultrasound for my daughter and she's 16 now!
Congratulations again!
Thanks for sharing this precious moment with us!
Posted by: Sandra | November 9, 2009 05:24 PM
oh wow..thank YOU. It's been an honor to share this weird surreal diabetes journey with you over the past few years; me as "just" a mom, trying my best to watch out for my son, you as a woman who shows me that with good care, a great life is possible.
thank you!
Posted by: Michelle | November 9, 2009 06:00 PM
Kerri, this brought me right back to those second trimester ultrasounds with Joseph and Evan.
I am so happy for you guys.
((Hugs))
Sandra
Posted by: Sandra Miller | November 9, 2009 06:06 PM
Kerri, you've done it again - I've teared up something terrible at work. I panicked when I started to read this post. I'm so happy that all is well. Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us. Hugs xxx
Posted by: Susannah | November 9, 2009 06:15 PM
((hugs))
Awesome. Thanks for sharing with us.
Happy Dblog Day!
Posted by: Crystal | November 9, 2009 06:27 PM
Kerri,
I'm so excited for you and BSparl. (and Chris too!) Thanks for sharing your journey with us. :-)
Happy D-blog day.
Posted by: Molly and a big, black dog | November 9, 2009 06:44 PM
I love BSparl posts! That brought back so many happy, happy memories for me- 11 years and so many months later, and I remember each ultrasound like they were yesterday. You will, too!
Posted by: Lea | November 9, 2009 06:45 PM
When is the online baby shower....I am so excited for your. As your baby grows we should do a baby shower toilet paper game. Guess how many pieces of toilet paper it take to get around the new mom.
Posted by: dargirl | November 9, 2009 07:46 PM
Congrats! What an amazing miracle!
Posted by: Hallie | November 9, 2009 08:29 PM
The best part of having D while pg is that you get to see the baby a LOT more often :-). I loved that! It kind of helps to make up for the extra stress of the whole high-risk thing. Enjoy those sneak peaks. And thank you for sharing this with us all. I get all choked up going through this with you.
Posted by: Jen | November 9, 2009 08:35 PM
I was in tears when I read your post this morning;) thank you for allowing us to be apart of you and your families life.
Posted by: Cherise | November 9, 2009 10:06 PM
Congrats Kerri :)
I am loving these posts about you being pregnant with BSparl :D It brings back so many memories of my pregnancies and how magical they were (even through the morning sickness, it's truly an incredible feeling to know that a little person is growing inside of you!).
Just wait until you feel those kicks - those are the BEST (well, until the very, very end when there is no more room for those shenanigans in there lol). We're all right there beside you as you go through this. Thank you for sharing this story with all of us Kerri.
Posted by: Jamie | November 9, 2009 10:12 PM
I am a T1 diabetic mom to three perfect boys. I now feel like I am expecting my 4th!! Life is good....
Posted by: Francie | November 9, 2009 10:25 PM
How wonderful. I remember that day well. You know you can rent your own doppler online so you can listen all you want at home? The bleeding can be so very scary. I had several bad bleeds with James - and he's 6 now! Jen is right - being high risk has it's rewards - namely LOTS of ultrasounds!
Posted by: Kim Doty | November 9, 2009 10:40 PM
Thank you for sharing and happy Dblog day... a trip down memory lane for me reading through your post...enjoy every flutter, every moment! every extra ultrasound ;-) ((HUGS))
Posted by: Jaimie | November 10, 2009 01:24 AM
Congratulations!
Posted by: rlbates | November 10, 2009 08:07 AM
Kerri, I'm in tears with joy. I really should learn NOT to read your blog at work. I'm thrilled for both of you. Thanks for sharing this update with me.
Posted by: Bernard Farrell | November 10, 2009 08:35 AM
Congratulations! I know this will be a road of both enthusiasm and anxiety for you, but wishing you much more of the former!
Take care,
Jennifer
Posted by: Jennifer @ Living in My Car | November 10, 2009 10:02 AM
How exciting!! Thank you for sharing with us
Posted by: NJsoozie | November 10, 2009 10:18 AM
Very exciting. I could never tell ass from elbow on those things (literally). Keep up the good work!
Your OB isn't Richard Gere, is it? Just checking... 'cause that would be weird.
Posted by: Kevin | November 10, 2009 11:58 AM
Awww....sniff
Another BSparl post that brings me to tears! That first time of hearing the whooshing of that little heartbeat - it still gives me shivers thinking of hearing it for the first time with our DD, and then DS 2 years later. Thank you for sharing. :)
Posted by: Beth | November 10, 2009 11:42 PM
Kerri, It is now Nov 2012 and I have found you just in time for your past experiences to help me through my own experience. I have had diabetes for 24 years and my fiance and I are embarking on getting baby ready. All of your thoughts, fears, joys are mine, I mean as I read your story I feel like I am speaking. I have found someone who really understands. Your blog is helping me to get through really tough times as I am getting better control so that I may get the green light! I wear my sensor every day and feel naked it without it too, although it can drive me crazy sometimes! I want to just thank you so much for having the talent, the words, the courage to live your life on a computer screen. I appreciate it all. Charleen
Posted by: Charleen | November 26, 2012 03:22 PM