I've been thinking about you for a long time.
My doctors told me it would be a challenge to have you. They said that diabetes would be a tricky hurdle as I planned for you. They said you might not happen. There were so many reasons to be scared and so many reasons to doubt, but I never gave up on you, Baby. I have always wanted you and have worked so tirelessly to make my body safe for you.
And at the end of August, at the Joslin Pregnancy Clinic appointment several weeks ago, I thought you could possibly be there. I thought there was a chance, because your dad and I were ready to try for you, so we took that leap.
"It's so early, so the test might not show a positive result, but we should do one anyway. But remember, it might not be positive because you wouldn't be very far along." The CDE gave me a warm smile while the nurse went to test the sample.
Your dad went into the waiting room to sit. We didn't know how long it would take to get the results back. And while I was waiting, the CDE and I were talking in the hallway about how great it would be if you really were there.
Then the nurse opened the door of the lab and came out with the test in her hand.
"Oh, she's definitely pregnant. Look!"
And I saw two lines. And the CDE began to cry. And then the nurse began to tear up. I cried, too, because I was so scared and humbled and in love with you already.
"Chris, Chris!" Even though we were in a waiting room with people who were there for their own appointments, the world sort of stopped for a minute so we could have our moment.
Chris heard the commotion from the waiting room, and came over, his eyes shining. And Baby, I wish I told him about you with even a scrap of grace. That I'd whispered, "We're pregnant!" or "We're having a baby!" or even, "Oh my God!"
"It's on!" is what I said.
We hugged. And we kissed. And the family in the waiting room burst into a quiet applause.
There have been many weeks that have passed, and they haven't been the smoothest. There have been some very scary moments, and I'm still scared to be writing this all down. There have been so many doctor's appointments since that day. Thankfully, everything seems to be just fine and on track, and my diabetes is under the best control I've ever achieved. (Last A1C, taken Friday, was 6.2%!) You are growing fast, and we've slowly told our friends and family about you. Everyone is very excited, and I'm working really hard to make sure that we both remain safe. You're coming next spring and we couldn't be happier. Being your mom is the most important job I will ever have, and I'm ready.
When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw the rounded baby bump and felt such a surge of happiness. I don't know if I'll be the best mom, or the most "together" one, or even if I'll be one who has any clue what she's doing. But I'm so excited for you to arrive, even though I am scared and careful and preparing as best I can.
You are so wanted.
Baby, I can't wait to meet you. I've always wanted to be your mommy. And in just under six months, I'll be able to hold you in my arms instead of just in my heart.
I love you so much. And now everyone knows.