Case in point: last week.
First off, my frustrations about diabetes are at an all-time escalation point. The blood sugar logging, even though it is working and my averages are already in a better range, is very time-consuming and is a constant reminder of diabetes and all its trappings. I'm logging my blood sugar tests, the food I'm eating, the exercise I'm doing, and the boluses I'm taking. Everytime I go to jot down a result or log a carb, a little alarm goes off in my head. "Ding! Diabetes! Ding! More diabetes! Ding, ding!"
Secondly, I called Joslin to follow up on the photos they took of my eyes. "Oh, hi. Yes, you look good. Twenty-two years, huh? Wow. Well you only have mild retinopathy in your right eye and barely anything in your left."
Well there's a word I've never heard before. Not directed at me, anyway.
"Excuse me? What's that?"
"Mild is when there are less than five spots. So the right one is mild. The left, too, but less than the right." She said this like I was aware.
"That's news to me. I had a dilation in January and there was a little bleeding, but he didn't say that's retinopathy."
"Well did he say you had bleeding?"
"Slight, yes. In the right eye." Am I an idiot? Bleeding IS retinopathy, stupid Kerri. So since it's been there for months now, why are you getting all freaked out? "So yes. Sorry. I just haven't heard that word yet."
And she explained the follow up and what would happen next, and we talked about how it might be handled if my retinologist in Stamford decides lasering it before pregnancy would be a good idea. And the more she talked, the more I realized I wasn't getting teary or upset or sad about it. I felt pretty damn mad. It's never enough to really beat this thing, or at least it feels that way on some days. After a certain amount of time, no matter how hard you work, something gives at least a little. And in this case, it's the blood vessels in my eyes. Now that box is checked - the one that says retinopathy - and slowly my dance card fills up.
My body feels like it's caving in a bit these days, and I'm trying to stop that avalanche from devouring my optimism. Between the constant logging and the wrist issue and now this checked box, I'm frustrated with diabetes in general. I need to find a little extra grace to get me through these moments. Got any?
And thirdly, added to this pile is the fact that my literary agent and I parted ways last week, and I'm now searching for new representation. (If you are a literary agent or publishing house and you're reading this, email me at kerri [at] sixuntilme [dot] com. There. I said it. I'm actively looking.)
So last week sucked a wee bit.
But waking up Saturday morning to awesomely warm weather and spending the afternoon with one of my best friends? Spending Sunday cheering another buddy across the finish line and gossiping over breakfast? And rounding out the weekend with a long hike in the woods and then taking in a movie? All enough to pick me back up and set me straight again.
Last week knocked me around a little bit, but I'm trying to stay positive. I'm done bitching and moaning. Time to move on.