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Empty or Full?

I am not the one who just lives in the moment - I'm the one preparing for the moments to come, as well.  I live it up and have a great time doing whatever it is I'm doing, but as I'm hanging with my friends or having dinner with my fiance, my brain skips ahead a few hours.

"Do I have juice in my purse for the drive home?"
"Is there enough insulin in my pump to get me through dessert and coffee?"
"How many test strips are left in that bottle?"
"I called in the prescription, didn't I?"
"If this train ends up being delayed, do I have enough snacks on me to get through?"
"Don't forget to bring home the charger for the Dexcom."
"Shoot, did I send out that article?"  (Whoops, not diabetes-related.)
"I need to buff out that scratch on my car."  (Okay, not diabetes-related either, but it looks terrible.)

It's hard for me to tell if I am this way because I'm diabetic, or if I would be this way regardless.  Would I be so prepared and fastidious if I didn't have to worry about the minutiae of diabetes?  Whatever the case, I'm always noticing how much juice is left in the fridge.  I know exactly how many bottles of insulin are in that styrofoam container.  I keep track of the co-payments, the medical insurance, and when it's time to make a doctor's appointment.  (Yet I can't keep track of my email inbox to save my life, but I've digressed yet again.)

I notice how many AAA batteries are stashed in the bathroom cabinet.  I think about when my next site change is.  And when both the insulin and battery life indicators on my insulin pump start pinging, those facts burrow themselves in my brain and stay there, gnawing until I fix the problem.

Empty and empty.

Diabetes causes me to keep a constant tally of moments, a ticker tape of tasks that run through my mind and has me always thinking ahead to the next possible scenario.  Diabetes requires so much preparation in efforts to enjoy even the smallest moments.  This is not a depressing fact - just an honest one.  But after more than two decades of doing this, it becomes autopilot.  And not just for me.

Friends:  "Ready to go ... and do you have your meter?"
My Mother:  "Do you need the carb count on that?"
Chris:  "Is there juice on the nightstand?"
Me:  (smiling because I know they love me and I know they care)  Yes. 

It's good to be prepared.  Thinking ahead keeps me safe.  (But after I refill my pump, I'm going to buff that damn scratch out of my car and send out that article.  And move closer to my wedding - 17 days!)

Comments

I think it's your innate personality because Jeff is the same as you. It's like he's constantly playing chess where he thinks 4 or 5 moves ahead. He's like that with everything having to do with diabetes related stuff, paying bills, making plans for trips, Jacob's birthday party coming up on Sunday.

I'm the complete opposite. I plan by the seat of my pants.

Great point. Did you ever see "Stranger Than Fiction" w/Will Ferrell? I swear his character is me sometimes (apart from being a 6+ ft. tall hairy man, of course!). Especially the way he "saw" the numbers--! I'm sure it wouldn't have hit home so much with me were I not type 1, though it's a great movie besides. It's my favorite example of what our lives are really like sometimes.

Oh, and about that inbox...guilty here too :)

I think it's something you're born with and dealing with Diabetes tends to make it more noticable. Some of the little thinking ahead always on top of it things were there before my diagnosis at 5 (crazy right?) so I know that it's not just the Diabetes making me this way.

I find it really weird that the reservior doesn't have an exact number. On the Cozmo cartridge symbol is there with the number of units.

I LOVED that movie!

And yeh, my mind is a constant ticker of reminders. I can say for sure that diabetes did that to me - I've never been an organised person. I think diabetes is actually helping me get some practice in and become more organised in other areas of my life. *gasp* Whaddya know - diabetes has another positive point. Shocker.

Boy don't I know it! I think it's partly personality and partly due to having to be prepared b/c of the diabetes. I've always been a "prepared" person, but I definitely think it's become more pronounced since Charlotte was diagnosed. I'm still TERRIBLE about my email inbox too, lol.

My friends always make fun of me cause I pack so much stuff. I blame it on the diabetes. Even though all my stuff isn't always diabetes related, it comes from the constant need to be prepared with diabetes. I always also have to be sure I have shoes for every occasion when I pack. :)

I've always wondered if I'm this way because of being diabetic since I was 7 or if I would have been this way anyways.

And just this week, I had to get my husband to bring me supplies to change my tubing to an office dinner party because I planned poorly and had enough to bolus for lunch but not enough for dinner. So I totally understand about having to get help now and then even if you wish you didn't.

I call this the 'chicken or egg' of my diabetes. I was diagnosed at age 11 and think of some my OCD tendencies were there before, but wow did diabetes help them along! :)
I'm going to save this one, I love hearing it's not just me!
btw- working on another CT diabetes dinner, let me know when you might be available...

I think it's something you're born with. It's a bit easier to see on my end as a parent of a child with diabetes. I KNOW I was this way before diabetes, now I've just finally found a really good outlet for my innate boy scout (or rather girl scout) personality of always being prepared. My family calls me "charts and graphs" because I like to have a plan and follow the plan, be it grocery shopping with a list, or planning a trip, or diabetes.

So I think for you, your diabetes has simply brought out traits you would have had.

I can't help you with much, but I can help you with the scratch in your car problem. First, if the scratch is on anything but a painted, metallic surface, then forget it.

Second, rub your thumbnail over the scratch, if you can't feel it, then it will come out beautifully. If you can feel it, then you can probably get most of it out, at least to the point it's not noticeable, but it's likely to return over time.

If you have access to a high-speed buffer, that's best. If you don't, that's ok too. Put your pointer finger inside a clean, dry towel, and then apply a small amount of heavy-duty compound on your finger-tip. Then quickly, and with a lot of pressure, rub out the scratch in an "X" pattern. Once the scratch is out, be sure to polish the area with a wax that is heavy in carnauba and low in solvent. Works like a charm.

I think diabetes plays a part, but I'm not like this. I tend to be in the moment and since I always have some source of sugar or way to get it and stuff with me, I'm good. I tend to not be OCD about my diabetes and I don't have to be off in some future moment, but I know many people who are big planners like that and I think a lot of it is learned behavior from experience, but there's a chunk of it that's just their personality.

For diabetics--it's survival.

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