Empty or Full?
I am not the one who just lives in the moment - I'm the one preparing for the moments to come, as well. I live it up and have a great time doing whatever it is I'm doing, but as I'm hanging with my friends or having dinner with my fiance, my brain skips ahead a few hours.
"Do I have juice in my purse for the drive home?"
"Is there enough insulin in my pump to get me through dessert and coffee?"
"How many test strips are left in that bottle?"
"I called in the prescription, didn't I?"
"If this train ends up being delayed, do I have enough snacks on me to get through?"
"Don't forget to bring home the charger for the Dexcom."
"Shoot, did I send out that article?" (Whoops, not diabetes-related.)
"I need to buff out that scratch on my car." (Okay, not diabetes-related either, but it looks terrible.)
It's hard for me to tell if I am this way because I'm diabetic, or if I would be this way regardless. Would I be so prepared and fastidious if I didn't have to worry about the minutiae of diabetes? Whatever the case, I'm always noticing how much juice is left in the fridge. I know exactly how many bottles of insulin are in that styrofoam container. I keep track of the co-payments, the medical insurance, and when it's time to make a doctor's appointment. (Yet I can't keep track of my email inbox to save my life, but I've digressed yet again.)
I notice how many AAA batteries are stashed in the bathroom cabinet. I think about when my next site change is. And when both the insulin and battery life indicators on my insulin pump start pinging, those facts burrow themselves in my brain and stay there, gnawing until I fix the problem.
Diabetes causes me to keep a constant tally of moments, a ticker tape of tasks that run through my mind and has me always thinking ahead to the next possible scenario. Diabetes requires so much preparation in efforts to enjoy even the smallest moments. This is not a depressing fact - just an honest one. But after more than two decades of doing this, it becomes autopilot. And not just for me.
Friends: "Ready to go ... and do you have your meter?"
My Mother: "Do you need the carb count on that?"
Chris: "Is there juice on the nightstand?"
Me: (smiling because I know they love me and I know they care) Yes.
It's good to be prepared. Thinking ahead keeps me safe. (But after I refill my pump, I'm going to buff that damn scratch out of my car and send out that article. And move closer to my wedding - 17 days!)