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Seed.

"Test."

I said it out loud.  Siah was tucked flat against my legs and she stretched out her furry arms at the sound of my voice. 

I can't breathe right.  The room is so hot.  Tangled in my bedclothes, wrapped up in the blankets, trapped.

There is juice on the bureau next to the bed but my fingers and arms and hands are unresponsive, palsied by the weight of the hypoglycemia.  Body sinking lower and lower into the mattress and I knew I would eventually be swallowed.  Part of me welcomed the warmth.  I just wanted to close my eyes and go back to sleep and fall deeper into the mattress until the morning.

I could see Chris lying next to me but he was miles and miles away from my unresponsive hands and I couldn't reach out to tap his shoulder.

My brain entered an eerie calm, all panic smothered by the sounds of my heart beating in my ears and the steady lull of Chris' breathing.  Just reach out and touch him.  Let him know you need his help.  It's okay. 

My hand, lifted by strings I couldn't see, leapt up from the bed and flopped against his shoulder like a fish.  He woke instantly.  "Are you okay?" 

"No."  My voice was eerily calm and dead in my throat.  "No." 

Seconds yawned by.  I aged a thousand years, shattered into a million pieces.

He pressed the bottle of juice into my hands.  I drank the entire thing without breathing.  The stain of the vineyard on my bottom lip, I tested.

34 mg/dl. 

Slick with sweat, the bed damp beneath the small of my back.  Cats circled like concerned sharks on the floor near the bed.  Abby meowed pitifully.  One small seed.

It was the dinner from that night, where I was 202 mg/dl going into it and over-compensated for the Italian pasta meal.  I over-bolused.  This was no one's fault but my own.  These lows toss me deep down the well and I can't even hope for a bucket because I put myself here.  But I didn't mean to.  I didn't realize I had over-bolused for the meal.  I was 180 mg/dl before bed.  I thought I was okay.  I just wanted to go to dinner with my fiance.  I didn't even have a glass of wine or a dessert treat.  It was just dinner.

I did not mean to. 

The next morning, with dark circles under my eyes and guilt a small seed at the bottom of my stomach, I awoke.

Comments

Wow Kerri! I know how that feels. I'm glad you're okay & I'm glad that Chris was there to help. Luckily that doesn't happen to me often (especially since I live alone), but I hate the feeling it gives me and the morning after is a million times worse in my opinion. I hope you are already feeling better.

Every time I read about one of your lows it makes me so sad. No person should have to deal with feeling that bad, especially someone as wonderful as you! Stupid diabetes!

It is scary how lows call us to not respond sometimes. I have felt that Kerri. So scary. It is like we have to fight even harder when we are at our most vulnerable.

Beautfully written. You really captured the terror of going low.

BTW - very glad you are okay.

What if CGM systems were free and they reduced the cost of the supplies 50%. Wow, what a concept. It may save some lives.

Kerri, Wow! I am so glad, as I am sure your mom is, that Chris was there and that you are ok. I have only helped Daniel through one this bad. I will never ever forget the fear in his eyes. He could not speak but he knew, I could see it. Thank you for putting words to what my baby was going through.

Kerri

I could really feel the low. Don't blame yourself for getting the dosing on the meal wrong. Until meals come with nutrition labels lying on top of them, that's always going to be difficult.

I'm glad you got through it. You really might want to try out a CGMS of some sort.

I do have a Dexcom, but the sensors are so expensive. I need to just suck it up and spend the $200 on four sensors. Then do it again. And again.

Managing this is expensive. And frustrating to me these days.

Hey Kerri, glad you're okay. I understand completely how you feel, but the good thing is that a) you woke up and b) you got help. Be kind to yourself today, don't beat yourself up for something none of us can truly control.

Hang in there!
Best,
Kathy (araby62 on TuDiabetes)

glad to hear you're ok after that.. lows can be extremely scary and you capture that so well.

Kerri I'm glad you're ok. Please don't feel guilty! Blame the pasta, blame the damn diabetes, but don't blame yourself.

Perfect words here:

"Seconds yawned by. I aged a thousand years, shattered into a million pieces."

I'm glad you're OK.

OF COURSE you didn't mean it. And you deserve to have dinner with your fiance - and not have this happen. Damned diabetes.

Hey Kerri,

That was so scary but so well written. Always a pleasure to read. I really appreciate your writing. I have an aunt who reads your blog to help understand more about what diabetes is about.

So I've got a question. I'm going to my doctor tomorrow to get apporval for getting a pump. How expensive is all of the equipment? Why do you need to get four sensors? Don't you only need one? Any info from anyone would be really appreciated.

I've helped my daughter through her lows and reading what a six year old could never explain truly breaks my heart. So glad you're okay.

Kerri - These posts are so scary and sad to read. I wish you didn't feel guilty, though. You can't carry a scale with you all the time, you are not a machine and you aren't perfect. I know it was a serious mistake, but I think you acknowledge it and try not to let it eat away at you. Easier said than done; I know, since I am the Queen of Guilt.

Jess - your insurance should cover at least some of the cost of the pump. Have your doctor write a letter of medical necessity.

My hubby had an icky 41 this morning, can never quite figure out why these morning lows happen. I often have to insist he drink the juice as he gets in his own little world and refuses to cooperate. My 11 year old seems to find him quite amusing though.

Sorry you had a horrible low too, your writing it out really helps me as my dh is not very verbal about the whole thing.
Michele

This had an Alice in Wonderland vibe to it.

Please don't ever feel guilty for not managing your diabetes perfectly. At least you're managing it for christmas sake even if it doesn't behave the way you need it to.

I'm glad Chris is there to help you and that you are OK.

Lows are scary, and even with the best diabetes management skills, using insulin is in no way an exact science. The thin line you walk between protecting your organs and causing harm is tricky. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!

Oh Kerri--Sofa King sad! No one should feel such guilt from eating pasta with their handsome fiance. Damn diabetes!

I had a similar low that scared me so much yesterday. I can't write about it eloquently--it just sucked the life right out of me, though. The last time I tested I was at 150 so I thought I was okay, too.

Numbers don't tell the whole story.

I'm thinking of you and thank you for writing this sad but beautifully written post.

I second the comment on the cost of living these days. The actual cost of keeping myself alive, I mean. I have an individual health insurance policy that is costing $500/mo. until January when it will go up to $622/mo! Yes, I am a type 1 with an insulin pump, but I am in great health and 28 years old! I previously had insurance at work, but I recently resigned in order to spend more time with my preschool-aged daughter. Adding in my husband and daughter's policy (with the same company), we pay about $800/mo. on just insurance premiums. Plus the co-pays and deductibles. It kills me. I could have a second house...

LMAO @ Amylia: "Sofa King sad...." That was funny.

Hat tip to Hannah for my Sofa King comment!(dorkabetic.blogspot.com, Nov 3 post)

Wonderfully written, Kerri. Must be so terrifying. Thanks again for so eloquently describing what it feels like.

Kerri,
It makes me sad to think that you have blamed yourself for the low. Nobody is perfect every second of every day, and it just plain sucks to have to claculate and be precise all.the.time.
How long does it take for you to feel normal after a low like that? Or do you end up feeling crappy for the rest of the day? It sounds like it's so draining.
Hope your feeling better.

OMG the guilt. I know exactly what you're talking about. My husband is not comfortable with a bg lower than 130 at bedtime. This has happened to me on many occasions. When I have a big dinner, I use the Dual Wave Bolus feature in my insulin pump. It gives you a large dose now and then distributes the remainder of the dose slowly. You can set the percentage you want right away and set the rest at whichever rate of time you want. I love this feature. Helps me to avoid the over night lows.

There are thousands of possible reasons for going low, and we can't anticipate everything. Don't feel guilty Kerri.

My one suggestion would be to wake up once a night to test your blood sugar. Since I've been pregnant and waking at least twice a night to test, I haven't had any "lows" overnight. I catch myself in the 60s or 70s and can have a sip of juice before I drop too low.

Just an idea, but if you set your alarm for the middle of the night, say 2:00 or 3:00 and that way you might catch a potential low before it gets really bad.

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