I see diabetes as an unwelcome guest who will make a mess and invade every crevice if left ignored.

So I work hard to feed it with insulin, and make sure it's taken care of so that it doesn't go feeding on Brendon. Make it feel as though it's a welcome part of the family....our fourth child.

I pretend it's welcome just to keep it tame. But I'd just as soon boot it out and let shuffle lonely down the road kicking a can as it mosey's on its way.

Oh, Kerri, you said it perfectly. I don't know how you always do that. Some days you just want to QUIT! It would be sooooo easy to do that. But we can't quit! We have to keep on going. And maybe, one day, they will find a cure and get us out of this mess in which we live our lives.

Thank you so much! As a new diabetic I have been struggling quite bad and this is just what I needed to hear!

Mr. D and I have become friends. Maybe we can all have a picnic or something together?

Although I can totally see this from the perspective you write about here, Kerri, I HATE it.

It's not a part of me, the way my strength or my enthusiasm or my tendency to fly off the handle are - it's more like a beast that I didn't ask here - and that I don't want. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't accept its presence; that I don't realize its a piece of what makes me, me. My hatred for it also doesn't mean that I 'hate' myself in anyway. I love me - but I truly believe I'd love me just as much without diabetes (I couldn't say the same about most things that are a part of me.) For example, as much as I might not like being stubborn, as much as I want to work on it - if my tendency to be obstinant went away I'm sure I'd miss that piece of me...

I think of diabetes as something that lives both around me and in me - something that I have to be constantly mindful of. But in my eyes, there's no way it's friendly like Grommit. Nope - it's a beast - sometimes it's angry and kicking and completely uncontrollable - not matter what I do. Sometimes it sits lazy and quiet sleeping. Other times it sits - stalking, waiting for me to let my guard down.

I guess for all of us, it's a different force - a different character. But in my mind, there is nothing wrong with feeling a little spiteful toward the D.

Nicole - The thing is, I agree with you, too. Everyone's version of acceptance is different, and the only way I can think to not curse this f*cker out is to "play nice" for a little while. (And you are totally right - it's nowhere near as cuddly as Gromit. Or as that little sheep from the movie. For me, I can't distinguish between It and Me. It's like a blend. Like a smoothie? A chaos smoothie. )

Maybe I'm trying out a stealth move, and once it feels comfortable, I'll kill it while it sleeps. ;)

A chaos smoothie :).... Awesome.

I see exactly what you mean, Kerri.

Kind of like: I get up in the morning I brush my teeth, I test, I pick out great shoes, do my hair, and plug in my pump.... You can't see the edges sometimes...

My friend and I were talking about the issue of resistance the other day - the difference between having "fire in the belly" to be proactive and change what's wrong vs. festering and letting anger at something wrong take over and define you. This piece is really inspiring and puts the issue in a really beautiful light. Thanks.

I also try to take the positive route, knowing that my agreeable 8 year old will very soon become a rebellious teenager who will not want to test, bolus,go to the endo, etc . I like the sidekick/Gromit comparison. It's going in the mental notebook for when I'm ready to lose my mind, and things start to pile too high. I can always pull out that example and hope for the best.
On a side note, I am amazed at how well-adjusted you are Kerri. I would love to know how your parents did it. How they did the lettig go, knowing you'd be ok. i have a hard time and worry like crazy when Noah goes to a friend's house for an hour.

Kerri ... you hit the nail. Am still so grateful that I found your website after googling "diabetes, tired." Thank you for creating the awesome website and for being you!

Awesome post Kerri - and awesome comment NicoleP.

My acceptance level comes and goes in cycles, and I think that is pretty normal.

Now if I could just predict when I'm going to hate it and try to be busy sleeping or something...

I love the Wallace & Gromit analogy. Diabetes is a partner of sorts. Not a welcome one, but he's there none the less. For many years I ignored him and I was going downhill fast. Fortunately I got a heads up (Thank you, fellow SUM reader!) that changed my life. I now look after my partner. There are times when I could strangle him but I can't; he's invincible and inexorable. I just have to carry him round with me 24/7. Every now and then I get to run free, but he soon whispers "Hey, what about me?", which brings me back to his side. Like you, I don't hate him. He's a part of me and I love me. :)

Over the last two years I've gone from an A1c in double figures to consistently somewhere in the sixes, so I have to be getting something right. :)

Oh and if you ever find a way of balancing that see-saw perfectly... lend me your fairy-godmother please!

What you said (and Nicole, too) is how Greg definitely feels. His issues with it have become more "out there" since I was diagnosed and since I started blogging. But then there's that darn seizure right before all that...

As I have said before, and I'm sure I'll say again... the way you write helps me relate to what's going on in his mind. When he's not willing to express it to me.

Love it! I hated this so much for so many years and all it did was make it worse. Playing nice helps me too.

Kerri,

I just started reading your blog and you are a wonderful writer. I look forward to your book be published. I have been diabetic for around a year I think.....I will have check not really sure of the exact date...I digress. In the beginning I was all about managing it through diet and exercise because I was and still am producing some insulin. Then I got down on myself for several months and now I am back on top of the world.
For me my Minimed 522 was the key along with my new and wonderful endocrinologist who suggested using a pump. It was ruff in the beginning (2 days or so) but to those out there that have never used a pump I would strongly recommend one. Now instead of 7-10 shots a day I put a new set in every 3 days and that will do a lot for your psyche and for your body. It is hard but with a pump I feel a lot more free and my BG is so much better.
Having diabetes is like dealing with your boss some days are great other not so much--you have to learn the system so that you can get the most out of it. The second you stop working it--busted!!! For now and hopefully into the future I am thinking positively just like Kerri.

You are right. It's futile to use denial as a coping mechanism for burnout.

Keep hanging in there and the feeling will surely pass. I'm sure stringing together a few decent days wouldn't hurt, would it?

Wonderful entry--thank you.

Kerri - I love this post and it is so, so true. We all must accept diabetes and move on taking care of ourselves. Very inspirational post.

What a great analogy - Wallace and Gromit! Someday I'll use that, I just know it!

Don't forget to have a "bit of Gorgonzola"! : )