An Open Letter to my Pancreas
(With a tip of the hat to Julia and McSweeney's)
Dear Pancreas,
I’m not sure what the hell happened to you, but you’ve taken it upon yourself to stop working. You did have that job for about six years, where you got up early every day and produced my insulin, but apparently that was too much for you. You were laid off or fired or something. Don’t blame it on that virus again. I think you just slept through the alarm and were let go and you just don’t want to admit it.
All you do is sit around, hiding out behind my stomach, reading smut novels and watching reruns of The Facts of Life. Sure, you push out the occasional juices and you can sound important when you talk about “trypsinogen” and “chymotrypsinogen,” but you and I both know that you don’t do much. It’s not even like you empty the dishwasher or anything. The least you could do, after I’ve been testing blood sugar levels and bolusing all day long, is have dinner on the table when I come home. Is that too much to ask?
Oh no, you’d rather just sit there like a bump on the duodenum, letting me do all the work. Don’t worry, Pancreas, I’ll make sure I count the carbohydrates in every little scrap of food and bolus accordingly. No, no, don’t get up. God forbid you raise an islet these days to let me have a cup of coffee.
And I don’t care that you’re jealous of The Pump. I’m sick of listening to you whine about it. “She gets all the attention.” “Everyone loves her best.” “You never made me a special pocket in your skirt.” Sigh ... Pancreas, if you would just do your job, I could toss The Pump forever.
Remember what it was like when you were working? How happy we were? I was playing outside and drinking the Bug Juice Kool-Aide that Grammie made and you were secreting insulin and everything was cool. We had fun, didn’t we? Just you and I? A Girl and her Pancreas? No pump, no measuring cups, no medic alert bracelet. Just you and me.
And now this: Unemployed. Lazy. Would it kill you to even just make some glucagon? Or maybe cover a meal or two?
I miss the way things used to be.
That’s it: you need to find a job. I’ve had just about enough of this. Tomorrow morning, we’re going to load your resume onto Monster and see what happens. I know that the Wonkas are always looking for help.
Signed,
Kerri
Comments
How true!!!
Wouldn't it be great to really find out why the "pancreas" really stopped working. I guess that's what the scientists are getting paid to do. Hopefully soon.
Posted by: libby | November 15, 2006 09:15 AM
You better hurry. If we all do this there will be a glut of non-working pancreai (sp?) on Monster.
Your too much! Thanks for making me laugh!
Posted by: Keith | November 15, 2006 09:17 AM
Awesomely creative and humorous post, Kerri!
Being able to laugh about this crap is so important, especially during those really frustrating periods.
Don't lose that sense of humor no matter what, ok?
Posted by: Johnboy | November 15, 2006 09:41 AM
I love this! Thanks for the smile today!
Posted by: Alyson | November 15, 2006 10:00 AM
*snort* Funny
Posted by: julia | November 15, 2006 10:13 AM
You just made my day! 'Nuff said!
Posted by: Jana | November 15, 2006 10:15 AM
OOM-pah LOOM-pah pancreas juice... I've got another riddle for yous...
Apparently in my head the pancreas has a New Joisey accent when singing..
Posted by: Krista | November 15, 2006 10:18 AM
Well done.
Could you forward this letter to my pancreas too?
Posted by: Kevin | November 15, 2006 10:20 AM
Thanks for brightening my day.
This is HILARIOUS.
Posted by: Bernard Farrell | November 15, 2006 10:23 AM
LOL - this was hilarious! Thanks for the giggle this morning.
Too bad your pancreas (and all those with D) doesn't listen to you. *sigh* If only .....
Posted by: Jamie | November 15, 2006 11:16 AM
Too funny Kerri.
I sent this to Kim for them to read at their first support group in Helena, Montana on 11/28 at 6pm, if anyone is in the area.
Posted by: Gramma Donna | November 15, 2006 12:35 PM
That pancreas best not show its face in PA. Slacker! Great stuff, Kerri.
Posted by: Carey | November 15, 2006 12:35 PM
That was awesome!
Posted by: George | November 15, 2006 12:35 PM
Kerri, that was great! Thank you.
Posted by: Vivian | November 15, 2006 01:08 PM
Cracked me up-thanks!!!
Definatly the o'le pancreas is not performing its most important job, but don't toss it quite yet-it still produces digestive enzymes(without which,you'd be taking many horrible, large pills, like people with cystic fibrosis have to do)
Posted by: type1emt | November 15, 2006 01:37 PM
I'm sure my pancreas has a good reason for being lazy. i used to want my pancreas cut out because i didn't need it anymore.
Posted by: vicki | November 15, 2006 02:53 PM
What an awesome read. I love how you can write from so many different angles. Im mad at your pancreas too. How inconsiderate of him.
Posted by: chris | November 15, 2006 04:33 PM
Great letter! Love how the envelope's addressed lol.
Wouldn't it be funny if Wonka sold chocolate pancreas's?
The Pancreas Bar :P
Posted by: Alison | November 15, 2006 04:48 PM
So funny!
But I will say this...if your pancreas gets a job before I do, I might just have to hunt it down.
Posted by: Hannah | November 15, 2006 06:19 PM
Must be a glucose union job... one person works (you), and everyone else (pancreas) just sits around doing nothing.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 15, 2006 11:20 PM
Lmao, that was funny
Posted by: Gina | November 16, 2006 02:59 PM
Oh don't be so hard on the guy. I am sure he does plenty that you don't give him credit for. He may not be the perfect pancreas, but a good pancreas is hard to find. You can't exactly pick one up in a bar or online dating site that you would not reject in the morning.
Posted by: Jon | November 16, 2006 09:55 PM
What is this "pancreas" thing you speak of?
Oh - yeah, that's right. I think I've got one of those in there somewhere too. Although you wouldn't know it by looking at my blood sugars...
Posted by: Scott Johnson | November 17, 2006 12:01 AM
This is just soooooo awesome! I love it! :))
Posted by: Carmen | November 20, 2006 06:57 PM
God this made me laugh! You really do have a knack for writing. Just loved it!
Posted by: Chrissie in Belgium | November 23, 2006 12:06 PM
Speaking as another of the insulin-challenged of the world, I salute you for this funny little poke in the islets to the organ we diabetics love to hate.
Posted by: whatnext | November 24, 2006 09:00 AM
You're very funny! It's true about the digestive thing though...thank god we don't have to take those stupid big pills as well.
Posted by: ebbye | June 5, 2007 08:35 PM